Be Good to Yourself

My morning ritual for the past handful of months has involved putting coffee on to brew, and sitting down to pull a card or two for various Instagram challenges. I enjoy these Tarot/oracle challenges because they give a focal point for the day (one I don't have to think up myself). But this morning I looked at the prompts for both of those I'm participating in and shrugged. Neither appealed to me. I sat there staring for a while - should I look up a spread? Do a Celtic Cross (those are informative and familiar, but maybe too many cards for now)? No... as I sat there a three-card spread materialized in my mind, something simple and "just right" for my mood:

How do I feel?
What do I need?
How can I get it?

I felt moody yesterday, that old and familiar impulse to be alone, to not have to talk with anyone, to not have to be around other people. The hermit and the cave. I don't feel much different today. But having just come out of a hurricane that shut the city down for a week, I have so much to tend to at work, and a lot of people who rely on my support. My weekly reading "warned" me of these feelings. Sitting on the couch this morning I started to daydream about taking a day off, and how amazing it would feel to be able to take a day to decompress. Then I remembered the 7 of Cups from that weekly reading: "if you can imagine it, you can make it happen." Making my own needs a priority, if not the only one. Perhaps I could make it work? I decided to draw my cards:

Pagan Otherworlds Tarot - Uusi 

How do I feel? 5 of Wands rx
What do I need? Queen of Pentacles rx
How can I get it? 8 of Cups rx

All reversals certainly reflect the choppy energy moving through me at present. The 5 of Wands speaks to a sense of inner conflict - my internal and external worlds not combining well. That is very much the case. I sit here reviewing my schedule for the day, and I don't want any of it. And yet I'm not sure I can relinquish those responsibilities.

The Queen of Pentacles tells me that I should focus on taking care of myself, on addressing the needs that aren't being met; she asks me to be good to myself. This Queen gazes over at the 5 of Wands, perhaps aware that it is the source (at least in part) of her discontent. She gives me permission to honor my personal, intimate priorities, rather than brushing them off in the face of the busy-ness surrounding me.

The 8 of Cups reflects a desire to abandon it all - to walk away. And yet inverted it shows that I'm not convinced that I can, or should. But this is about getting what I need, so what about finding a balance? I started to reflect on my day today, on what I ought to be present for (a morning meeting), and what I may be able to release in order to make space for myself (perhaps completing some work from home in the afternoon). As I thought, I realized that I do have some wiggle room. I do have options. And suddenly my day started to take on a different hue.

A New Moon Reading

Alaina, from Exploringly Yours, has once again crafted a lovely spread for use at the New Moon, which just so happened to have occurred yesterday. I enjoy these readings and find that they provide interesting insights into my current state of being - this one was no exception.

My reading layout was as follows:

1) What is my wild side saying to me this New Moon? 4 of Swords
2) What must I release to honor my highest self? 2 of Wands
3) What must I embrace to honor my highest self? Hanged Man
4) What can I contribute to the collective at this time? Page of Swords

Pagan Otherworlds Tarot

The first three cards mirror a message I've been hearing lately in some other small self-readings (in fact the 4 of Swords was yesterday's card of the day): pause, peace, and reflection are the requirements of this moment. It is not a time for action just yet, and even if I'm raring to leave the starting gates, it's better to have a course in mind first. I have only vague shadows of thought around what this is referring to, which means that I will certainly benefit from some mindful quiet time.

I love this Page of Swords. How can I contribute to the collective? The Page asks questions, seeks truth, and doesn't let uncomfortable lines of inquiry prevent the exploration of ideas that need to be considered. I've been asking a lot of questions lately, especially in my January blog posts. Most connect to how we can progress as a nation in light of the current political climate. Here is a recap:

• How are we supposed to move forward as a nation if we can't find a way to overcome the divisiveness?
• If facts don't seem to matter, then what does?
• How can we establish meaningful dialogue? 
• What happens if we never manage to see eye-to-eye, or learn to hold rich, fruitful, meaningful, and considerate discussions about our points of disagreement?
• How can we combat ignorance? 
• How can we protect the environment, and human rights, and healthcare, in the face of this new administration?
• What can I do? 
• How can I help?

Answers aren't always clear, simple, or readily apparent; the important thing is to keep the conversation going.

A Full Moon Ritual Reading

The other night, for the Full Moon in Cancer, I completed a reading designed by Alaina O'Brien and posted on Instagram:

While it was immediately significant to me, I was too sleepy to write about it at the time. A few days later, however, I find myself up early on a Saturday morning, nursing a hot and and strong cup of coffee in my Michigan Mitten mug, prepared to dive in.

The position meanings are as follows:

I used the Pagan Otherworlds Tarot:

1) In what areas of my life am I dimming my light? Hierophant

Work. I pushed myself pretty hard in the autumn, leading up to the holidays. I had a lot of coordinating to do, a lot of meetings to facilitate, a lot of information to disseminate, a lot of pieces to align toward a major project goal. I was feeling pretty exhilarated by the end of December, but also pretty wiped out. While I had two weeks of vacation immediately following that, I spent the first of those battling strep throat, and the next two (including my first week back at work) dealing with its remnants which led me to the doctor and another round of antibiotics before I finally started to feel "right." All of this combined, I wasn't feeling ready to sally forth into a new term. I was dragging my feet, feeling uninspired, wading through the drudgery of the post-holiday tasks. The big project was mostly set up and ready to go, but it still required some attention. Only now I wasn't feeling excited by it - if anything I felt like I was coming down off a momentous high, and feeling confused about what to do next. 

2) How can I best bolster my heart? King of Wands

This King was a fairly regular companion for me during the autumn. In contrast to the at times static-feeling rigidity of the Hierophant, the King of Wands burns with the energy of vision, creation, and self-mastery. His fire is directed, but not fully contained. And it is that fire that I've been needing to feel again. I started to recall some of the new projects I wanted to start in 2017, the farther reaching goals I hope to meet in the year ahead, and I began to feel that tug of inspiration pulling at the edges of my spirit again. 

3) Message from the High Priestess to my heart: 6 of Cups

This ties in to the upcoming self-love cards. The 6 of Cups represents memory; our deepest, most authentic selves; the care-free energy of youth; and the joy of innocence. The card here seems to say, "Be like a child again." When you dive under the pressures that accumulate over the years, the weight of adulthood's responsibilities, what do you feel? Who is there? When I was in Michigan over the holiday, one of my favorite moments was a woods-walk we took. Gabriel hung from freezing jungle-gym bars with bare hands, unbothered by the cold because of the fun of his experience. I laid down belly-first in the river mud so that I could reach my hand into icy waters to splash my face. When I was young I used to spend long hours alone in the forest, picking wild raspberries, building lean-tos, identifying animal paw prints in the soil. I saw foxes, rabbits, and sometimes deer. That was the whole world for me then. I distinctly recall one afternoon on a glorious summer day where I sat on a leafy footpath at the top of a hill watching the wind blow through the trees. Those moments of unadulterated bliss, of pure "being," are a key; a memory to tap into; a reminder of my innate and wild freedom.

4/5/6) How can I integrate more self-love into my daily life? King of Cups rx, 2 of Cups, 9 of Pentacles rx

I had to smile at the anchoring presence of the 2 of Cups, so perfect in response to this question. Both the King of Cups and the 9 of Pentacles are relevant to important elements of who I am and how I am developing. At its core this line reminds me that I often become too caught up in "not being or having or doing enough" and fail, at times, to honor and recognize the plentitude in my life, which ultimately impacts the strength of my emotional body. I am enough. 

November Cards: Believe In Yourself

Admittedly a bit late, I've decided to pull some "cards of the month" for November. Rather than use assigned positions, I simply pulled a line of three from the Pagan Otherworlds Tarot, and an oracle card from the Dat Black Mermaid Man Lady deck.

Judgment - 6 of Cups - Chariot

Ole Caney Sharp - Divine Opportunity

I sat down with cards and coffee on my son's race car rug in the early hours of Saturday morning as he played superhero next to me with his trucks and an assortment of miscellaneous items. It was a nice way to start the weekend.

I understood the significance of this line almost immediately. Though my job focuses primarily on directing an English language program, I have recently been called to give presentations on cultural awareness. Language acquisition is a small aspect of the overall theme, but much of the "weightier" material delves into concepts of religious diversity, racism, and cultural labeling. This sort of work is a passion of mine. My undergraduate degree is in Cultural Anthropology, and most of my adult life has involved addressing injustice, increasing awareness of the beautiful fabric and texture of human existence, and preserving ancient legacies - language, traditions - before they are lost in an ever-expanding globalized society. I am one half of an interracial marriage, and my children straddle a number of cultural and racial divides that will likely bring them (in addition to many joys) frustrations from an outside world that struggles to place things (and people) in tidy (and utterly limiting) boxes. Throughout my life I have worked in various roles in places that include Pine Ridge Reservation in South Dakota, central city urban neighborhoods, immigrant communities, and the Basque Country, Spain. Honoring and understanding the breadth and depth of humankind, and facilitating that understanding in other people, is extraordinarily important to me. 

An initial invitation to give a presentation to administrators who support international students gave way to a second invitation to present on cultural awareness to a group of faculty members from two different departments, which then led to a third invitation to present to yet another department at the end of the month. Judgment is an interesting card because it both represents the elements of this work that feel like a true "calling" and it also touches on how hard I am on myself. After that first presentation I ruthlessly beat myself up about "what people might have thought," and "how much more clearly I should have explained [insert topic]." My husband was a bit shocked at what he dubbed my "self punishment." And he was right - that is exactly what I was doing to myself. Ultimately I received so much positive feedback that I came to understand that it "wasn't that bad" after all (!) which was both a relief and a blessing. When the day came to present for the second time, my daily draw was Judgement. I didn't think about it at the time, but later I realized that perhaps this was touching on something deeper than I was acknowledging. (And that session went very well!)

The 6 of Cups represents this connection to who I have always been, my essential self, that part of me that has remained unchanged since childhood. In doing this work I'm tapping into a voice that has a lot to say; a part of myself that has gathered experience and perspective over many years, and is primed for expression. The Chariot gathers all of that up and carries it forth into the world. It tells me that I have a lot to do, and so much more to develop and explore in this capacity. As I approach my third presentation, I've already started to consider how to expand into a "part two." There is so much that can be discussed in the broad arena of diversity and cross-cultural understanding, and in the current limit of two hours I can only scratch the surface. I see that there is a need for it, and a place, as well, and that will spur me onward in the coming months and year ahead. 

Ole Caney Sharp represents the energy of Elegua, my dear friend and road-opener. When I read the advice on the back of the card I had to laugh in appreciation. It says: 

Let your questions go

you ain't got to know.

You thinks too much

that's why you stuck.

Get on up

and fly.

I have spent a lot of time lately considering how much I over-think, over-worry, and thereby limit myself. This card is a pointed reminder that (as illustrated by my intense - and unfounded - self-criticism following my first presentation) I tend to clip my own wings, and that it's a good moment to let go of that bad habit and see where the winds take me.....

New Moon Reading

Today is the New Moon, and the first day of September. It's a blessing to have finally reached the first month of autumn (even though the equinox hasn't arrived quite yet). Hurricane Hermine rolls up the Gulf shedding her bountiful rains, and while the associated cloudy skies have cooled the air slightly, the humidity is fierce. Needless to say, it isn't feeling much like a proper fall....yet! But there is a certain potency in the naming of things, and simply knowing that September is here brings relief, and anticipation of a gradual descent into fresh, dry weather. In Florida we do have the glory of a northern autumn - it just happens to come around during the winter months. In December there are certain trees whose leaves even turn shades of orange and yellow before floating gently to the ground!

Since it is a New Moon I decided to pull some cards: the relatively common Release-Embrace spread (also known as Waning-Waxing, or Fading-Increasing). However you like to call it, the idea is essentially the same! I decided to use the Tarot of the Cat People tonight.

1) What is waning in import at this time? World
2) What is waxing? 6 of Pentacles

Tarot of the Cat People

The woman in the World gazes at a glowing globe, and appears to be in mid-step of a dance. She looks happy - celebratory, even.

Meanwhile, the woman in the 6 of Pentacles appears ready to offer a steaming bowl of food to some very eager looking cats. The woman is robed, and the scene feels homey and comfortable. She provides these adoring creatures with physical sustenance, and they offer constant companionship: a harmonious exchange.

Just yesterday I learned that a major project that I thought would be months away from being relevant is ready to be developed right-this-moment. It's exciting. As a program director I'm largely responsible for steering this ship into what will very much be a whole new world, and I'm jumping in full force. I know that the outcome of this project will provide much needed refreshment to both the program and my team. I'm not doing a jubilant dance quite yet - there is much work to be done! But I'm invigorated by the prospects, and from my current vantage point I see so much possibility.

The 6 of Pentacles, in this respect, shows me that for the next period of time I'll be participating in some important give-and-take with other departments, people - even with my own team. Progress doesn't occur in a vacuum. I have knowledge to offer, but I don't have it all; I rely on others just as much as they rely on me to offer up some of the puzzle pieces that ultimately combine to create the whole picture.

These cards also address another layer of life that has been on my mind of late. After going back and forth over where to go for an upcoming vacation, my husband and I recently decided not to go anywhere at all (releasing the World). In the end we decided to nurture our bank account, and be around for our kids (despite their grandmother coming to visit!). In order to strike a balance between our desire to stay put and our need for a break, we are planning to go on a whole lot of dates while my mother is in town!

May your September be full of cider and cinnamon!

Daily Draw: Working From Home

I woke up reluctantly this morning. From the warmth of bed I mentally reviewed the steps I'd be soon undertaking in order to prepare both myself and the kids for work and school. I decided that it was safest to start with the coffee pot, and as I listened to those first, glorious, mahogany droplets fall into the carafe, my younger daughter sat quietly at the kitchen table with a bowl of cereal... which she promptly vomited all over the floor (sorry, I know it's kind of gross). Hm. Perhaps Monday would become my third day of the weekend!

I did manage to arrange to work from home, sending out a couple of text messages and emails to be sure that everyone knew where I would be all day and why (I did refrain from sharing the minute details, ahem). So with a rather low-key day ahead I settled my pajamaed-self in to enjoy my coffee, and pull a daily card or two (something that tends to be rushed rather than leisurely these days).

I was considering (based on one of Ellen's recent posts) what my "soul deck" might be as I was deciding upon which to use. While there are a lot of decks that I love for various reasons, I realize that the Fountain Tarot has become a common go-to. The reversible backs, beautiful art, rather traditional (yet freshly rendered) imagery, and amazing card stock has elevated it to this position. I almost grabbed it off the shelf, but then I decided to go for warmth instead, so I dug out my trusty Morgan Greer. This was one of my first decks, but I gave it away because I just couldn't deal with the Tom Selleck mustaches all over the place. (And then I regretted it, because it's really a gorgeous, brightly colored work of art, so I reacquired it in the Italian version). This is another deck that shuffles fantastically.

Morgan Greer Tarot; Bill Greer

So what would the predominant energies of my day be, oh Morgan Greer?

Page of Cups (ah, definitely my kids - not only is my daughter ill, but my son is battling bronchitis)..........

World (mhmm.... no doubt that I'd be spending most of my time and energy on them....)...........

Emperor (oh, right. Working from home.)

As I peered at the World card I was drawn to the fact that the figures on each side peer outward to the cards on the left and right, respectively. The woman in the center balances them all evenly. To the left the Page of Cups shows my attentions to caring for my kids, while the Emperor to the right reminds me that I will have to divide my time a bit between home concerns and my director duties: despite not being physically present in the office, I still need to hold down the proverbial fort, even if I do so via technology. But then, that's the benefit of living in this modern age, I suppose!

So off I go to pour another cup, organize the kids in their beds and blankets, and then...on to those emails!

Finding Your Spirit Stone

Steve Seinberg from Arrow In Flight created a very interesting spread designed to help the reader identify his or her “spirit stone.” The idea is that people often talk about their spirit animal, but there are many things in the natural world that can hold a similar influence in our lives and for our spiritual journeys.

The spread is designed thus:

And the positional meanings are the following:

Spread by Steve Seinberg

This morning I sat down to do this reading for myself (though I accidentally switched positions 3 and 4 in the layout, which ended up giving me some additional insights as I’ll describe below!). Because color schemes are important to this reading, I wanted to use a deck that featured as many elements of the color wheel as possible. But I also wanted a deck in which each card featured only one or two predominant colors, rather than one where each card displayed multiple bright colors (such as the Tarot of Holy Light or Navigators Tarot of the Mystic SEA). In the end I chose the Fountain Tarot.

Before I began I recognized that I was slightly hoping that the cards would hint at black tourmaline (probably my favorite stone of all time), but I was intrigued to find that the cards did not point in that direction. Instead, they told a beautiful story that highlighted a very interesting and lovely stone that hadn’t even crossed my mind.

Fountain Tarot; Jason Gruhl and Jonathan Saiz

Card 2, Color: 2 of Swords

I am starting with the “color card” because this was the first concrete clue as to what stone I might be dealing with. This was my first clue that it probably wasn’t going to be black tourmaline! The 2 of Swords in the Fountain Tarot shows a woman standing by the sea, blindfolded. She looks upward toward the cloudy sky and bears an upright blade in each hand. The predominant color in this card is a deep, sedate blue. After some contemplation two stones came to mind: iolite and blue kyanite, but after integrating the rest of the cards in the reading, iolite was the stronger contender.

Card 1, Essence: Devil

Iolite is said to help one resist the influence of intoxication, and to be a strong supportive stone for helping to release addictive patterns, codependency, and self-defeating behaviors, so the Devil fits quite well as representative of its essence.  Interestingly I have always felt like I had some sort of “inner rubber” when it comes to things that are typically thought to be addictive, like chips, alcohol, shopping, soda, tobacco…… I do indulge in sweet treats, no doubt, though not (usually) in excess. Perhaps there is some connection here.

Card 3, Ailments: Fool

The Book of Stones, by Robert Simmons and Naisha Ahsian, says:
“Iolite offers to take one on the inner path to the deep self. It is an excellent stone to use in shamanic journeying…It helps one let go of the belief that one needs to control inner experiences, and it dissolves the fear of the unknown…”

Card 4, Gifts: Sun

Iolite is said to be a stone of joy and happiness; by encouraging self-possession and inner strength it helps lead to increased power, success, and satisfaction. In addition, iolite was used to help locate the direction of the sun in ancient times (I discuss this a bit more below), so in that sense the gift may be one of help in finding the way forward, like a natural lighthouse.

Card 5, Connection: King of Coins

The Crystal Vaults website says that iolite, “is an excellent source of energy when used for the elimination of debt and the responsible management of money.” This connects with the Devil (learning how to manage material resources), which also connects to Capricorn (my sun sign).

Card 6, Changes: 6 of Wands

This card suggests that by working with iolite and incorporating it into my life I will learn to recognize, value, and honor my own unique offerings, and that by doing so I will find a path to achieving my goals (there is a connection with the Sun here as well).

Iolite crystal

Iolite is called the Viking Compass because in ages past thin slices of iolite were used as polarizing filters to determine the location of the sun on cloudy days. I couldn’t help but notice the position of the 2 of Swords next to the Sun in my reading. The woman stands on the edge of the ocean on an overcast day, appearing to look blindly upward as if attempting to take a measurement…and there lies the Sun to her right. Perhaps she is peering through iolite, estimating the direction she must take next.

I enjoyed this exercise and look forward to working more with iolite, a stone that I haven’t spent very much time with, to date. If you choose to seek your own spirit stone, please let me know what you find, and consider commenting to Steve via Instagram as well!

Five Things to Love

I have been participating in an Instagram challenge hosted by @violetauraphoto for the month of February. Each day participants receive a prompt for which cards can be pulled in whatever manner suits each individual. For the fifth day of February the prompt was: “Five Things to Love About Me.”

Honestly my first reaction went something like: “Ugh. Do I actually have to list things that others would love about me? I can’t do that. That’s weird. It’s a little self-centered. Can Jorge do this one for me?” Ultimately I decided that I would just have my cards and runes help me to identify five areas of value in who and how I am as a person. I chose to use: the Goddess Knowledge Cards (Susan Seddon-Boulet), the Earthbound Oracle (Andy Swartz), the Ancestral Path Tarot (Julie Cuccia-Watts and Tracey Hoover), the New Orleans Voodoo Tarot (Sallie Ann Glassman and Louis Martinié) and my homemade rune set.

In the end this turned out to be an exercise in self-love and understanding more than anything else, and I would recommend that all card readers take a moment to do this for themselves:

1. Changing Woman. I embrace constant evolution of my being; I meet people wherever they're at, no matter their gender, background, culture, or walk of life. I see the youth in the elder and the wisdom in the child.

2. Home. (A turtle carries its home on its back. In this image its slow-moving shell provides a perfect nesting area for birds to fly in and out, without ever losing track of their place in the world.) No matter where we are, I am home for my family.

3. 8 of Swords. (The imagery stood out to me here – a woman wrapped in beautiful but impractical clothes, in shoes not meant for travel. She looks longingly out toward the rising sun, as if wishing she could choose some other path.) I challenge the status quo, and outdated socio-cultural mores that limit self-determination and self-discovery.

4. Hagal. (The 9th rune, the deep, sighing breath). I look for the grace in difficult and unexpected circumstances; I don't hide from the dark.

5. Ace of Air, Damballah. I seek clarity and justice, the seed of truth in all things, the wisdom of Damballah Wedo.

Moon Reading

For the last full moon I decided to do a reading using a spread designed by Vickie Wilson @eternal.athena.tarot that was posted on Instagram for #newspreadsaturday. In regard to the inspiration behind this spread, Vickie says:

"In astrology the moon represents your emotional and instinctual reaction to things. As the Gatekeeper to the Underworld, we must ask her permission to pass through her gates and peer into the depths of our subconscious. Our pains, fears, insecurities, and weaknesses lie behind her veil, waiting to be confronted. That is where we find the Moon."

Credit: Victoria Wilson/Eternal Athena Tarot

Card 1: What makes me feel happy?

Card 2: How do I express my moods?

Card 3: What unconscious emotional needs motivate me?

Card 4: What is my greatest fear?

Card 5: Where do I feel insecure?

Card 6: How do I instinctively respond to threats?

Card 7: What are my emotional triggers?

Card 8: Where do I avoid taking action?

I appreciate the approach and the focus, and the results yielded were quite interesting...

A reading with the Fountain Tarot

1. What makes me feel happy? King of Swords

I recognize this King in myself - especially lately as I've embraced a leadership role at work and have had to cut through the emotional messiness impacting my team from a neighboring department. In the Fountain Tarot a row of rainbow colors flows across the ground, up through the King's body in a triangular form, and out through the apex of the King's head, at which point it becomes clear/white. In a way it may symbolize how the underlying energies from the environment are perceived and processed and then utilized by the King to understand and interact with it. It could be both metaphysical/unconscious (picking up on subtle influences or energies as information) and mundane (piecing together the smaller details of a situation or project in order to understand the full picture and formulate the next steps - microcosm and macrocosm as one). I do enjoy that. 

Also, emotions can me messy, and I like removing that filter and looking at the facts and reality when there is a benefit to doing so, and especially when matters of justice are concerned. 

2. How do I express my moods? 6 of Coins

I see the lemniscate embedded in this image, and it works with the 6 of Coins' relationship to reciprocity, give and take. I feel very strongly about people not taking out their negative moods on others. In a way this goes back to the King - I expect people to be able to discern the factors influencing how they feel and why (or at least know what isn't a true source of contention), and to be capable of filtering that, when necessary, in interactions with people in their environment (tall order at times, I know). Likewise, if I am in a bad mood (which is rare, but happens on occasion) I try not to pass that on to others. When you are upset and lash out, you send out ripples of negativity into the world. On the flip side, when I'm happy I like to engage with people and emit that joy - to smile at passers by, or chat amiably with strangers in line at the grocery store - sending ripples of positive energy out into the universe. Give and take isn't just about money and material resources, after all. 

3. What unconscious emotional needs motivate me? 9 of Coins

I like how in this image there are concentric circles rising up under, around, and behind this woman; it seems to be to be a symbol of incremental growth. It's not even an unconscious drive, this card. I have worked long and hard to be economically self-sufficient, and it has not been an easy road. I had my first child when I was 20 years old, in my second year of college. I raised her on my own, with the additional support of my mother and step-father, but I struggled. I was filled with a thrill of relief and joy when I graduated with my Bachelor's degree (it took me 6 years!). But the subsequent work I found never fulfilled me, despite being great experience. I felt lost for quite a while. It wasn't until I met and married my husband and we started our life together (and started to have more kids!) that I pursued my Master's degree, a path that ultimately has led me to my current job, which is so much better than I could have ever imagined. I have come a long way, and I feel good about what I have accomplished. And yet there is a special *something* that floats beneath the surface; a legacy left from those difficult years in my early adulthood. I imagine there are subtle aspects related to that journey that still influence me in subtle ways. Will my successes ever feel like enough? 

4. What is my greatest fear? 4 of Swords (reversed)

Stagnation. Plans that are made but never materialized. 

5. Where do I feel insecure? 9 of Wands

This is a card of the battle-weary but courageous. It's also a card of being defensive, which is an instinctual response to insecurity. In the card, the man has come a long way, and he's close to the top, but instead of focusing on the goal ahead, he's looking backwards and down. Is her trying to retrace his steps? Is he worrying about the past? Is he concerned that someone is coming up the ladder after him? Perhaps he is worried that the path he has forged won't hold his weight for much longer. I do have a tendency to worry about the past, and about things that I could have done, or said, differently. I worry about being misunderstood. Learning to express my voice confidently and freely has been an arduous journey because I often don't know what to do when I find myself under attack. I'm getting better at that, though. I believe it stems from some unsavory early experiences in life where I was ripped to shreds on multiple occasions (verbally and emotionally) by my father's wife (he remarried following my parents' divorce). It was totally shocking and unmerited, and my father never stood up for me, or my sister. There is something there that probably still hasn't been entirely healed. 

6. How do I instinctively respond to threats? Chariot (reversed)

This relates somewhat to the previous card. In the past I've never dealt well with threats. I would end up crying in anger and vulnerability, or else stand there frozen like a deer in the headlights (or a combination of both). I would totally lose any sense of focus and I'd crumble. The other entity would dominate me, and I hated it, but didn't have the fortitude or clarity of mind to do anything else. Over the years I've learned to pause, breathe, and let the initial wave of emotion flow through and out of me. Then I become ultra focused, determined, and prepared to use all of my faculties to do what is right on my own behalf, to stand up for myself. Instead of crumbling (okay, maybe after crumbling), I gather my resolve, determine the best approach, and put my full force behind it. I have always relished challenge. If it seems hard, I will find a way to do it. If it seems unlikely, I want to try it even more, just to see if I can. 

7. What are my emotional triggers? 6 of Swords (reversed)

This is an appropriate cards to represent the response of an emotional trigger. Upright it is about "mind over matter"; the ability to be objective about emotional situations such that one can make the choice to leave what isn't working, or what causes pain. Reversed it suggests an inability to move on, an attachment to past hurts that on some level keep us connected to history. In large part we are triggered emotionally by things that bring to our minds hurts that we haven't healed from. It's interesting because I don't have many emotional triggers, but I have never handled sadness well, or the feeling of lack of emotional control. This connects a bit to the Chariot - to situations in which I've felt stomped on, belittled, disempowered, taken advantage of. Those things can lie beneath the surface of consciousness, and if they aren't healed can become unconscious triggers, like freezing under threat and conceding to the other person entirely, even if they are in the wrong, simply because it hits a nerve, a soft spot, a fear. Channeling my own strength and using it in timed of challenge has been an ongoing learning curve, though I recognize that I've come a long, long way.

8. Where do I avoid taking action? 2 of Cups

Wow, interesting. On one hand this is a card of emotional healing. I wouldn't say I avoid healing, but since being out of control, feeling deeply sad, is so difficult for me, I may not always allow myself the opportunity to fully heal. I think I have improved in this area over the years, though. 

On the other hand it brings to mind emotional expression, which I am not a big fan of. I am a private person, generally speaking. I like people, I like collaborating, I like supporting others...but in other ways I am sealed up tight. I used to not realize the extent to which I wouldn't communicate even with close loved ones (my mother, my husband). I'd be worrying and stressing about a matter and it just wouldn't even occur to me to share that with my partner. So over time I've become more aware of that tendency, which is good, and I've learned to speak. However in general I still find that my emotional sharing has very clear limits. And I am sure I don't call my friends nearly enough.

Finally, I was reading my astrological chart the other day and one section made me pause and think of this... with Venus in Aquarius I tend to be friendly and pleasant to be around, but difficult to get close to due to my preference for personal freedom. Hm. That was interesting. I am notorious for avoiding making plans whenever possible. I don't like the feeling of being tied down that plans give me. In that light, the 2 of Cups as something I avoid makes a lot of sense!

Welp. That is a lot of food for thought!

The Need for Mothering

This morning I was feeling rather tender. Well, to be honest, I was feeling a bit tender last night as well. That sort of ambiguous sensitivity that makes you want to shut the door on the world, curl up in a ball, and drink loads of tea. It is subtle, though, that feeling; it creeps in around the edges of consciousness, such that each movement in the process of dressing, or in the simple preparation of toasted bread, becomes ever so slightly heavy. And then, *ah* - an inner acknowledgment that what I needed more than anything was to be mothered.

I wanted Ochun and Yemaya to bathe me in sweet and briny waters. I wanted to curl up in honeyed arms, and have my hair stroked by firm and gentle ocean hands.

I wanted mothering. So when I brewed my morning tea I added elder berries to the herbal mix. Elder has always felt like the earthiest and most prototypical mother tree. Perhaps it's because it tends to so many common ailments, like coughs, colds, and the flu. Perhaps it is because nearly the entire tree offers itself up for our wellbeing.

As it steeped I continued my last few tasks in preparation for the day ahead, and just before heading back to the kitchen to pour myself a steaming travel mug full of herbal blessings I decided to pull a card from the Tarot of Vampyres (which generally sits out on my bedside table). I shuffled briefly, and I cut with one hand; I didn't ask a question, I simply poured my sentiments, like tea, into the cards. And then, there was the Empress, reflecting back to me my needs and desires, and letting me know that in one way or another, she had her arms around me.

Goddesses of Empowerment

It is a time of many decks.

I don’t remember ever before being in the position to juggle (in the best sense possible) so many different manifestations of Tarot. Just in the last few months I’ve acquired – either through gift or purchase – the Cosmos Tarot and Oracle, the Dark Goddess Tarot, the Ancestral Path Tarot, the Fountain Tarot, the Tarot of the Holy Light, the Wild Unknown Tarot, and the Steampunk Tarot. Needless to say, I’ve got options. Not that I didn’t before – I haven’t counted lately, but prior to this new lot I had somewhere around 50 or 60 Tarot decks to choose from (not counting oracles). The difference is that I love every single one of these new acquisitions. There is not one that is underwhelming, or “not my style,” or just “nice.” There are no qualifications when I say that they are all wonderful. They all have a unique voice; they all draw me in and excite me with what they might show, and how they might show it.

This, of course, is a fantastic conundrum to be in (that of “which deck to use now?”), and I’ve thought several times recently that I could lose my entire collection, save these, and be quite fulfilled (well, I wouldn’t like to lose the New Orleans Voodoo, or my Thoth..! But you get the idea).

So over the past several weeks I have often found myself using one or two one day, and then switching it up the next. This way I am tasting them all, feeling them out in fairly regular intervals.

So it was that last night I decided to pull a card from the Ancestral Path Tarot – the Hermit – and immediately felt the relief of that simple reflection wash over me. In fact I had just leapt onto my bed for a much-needed (albeit brief) moment of alone time amidst what had been a busy-but-lovely Sunday. I drew the Hermit in the moment I was most aware of my need to embody that quiet, solitary energy.

This morning I decided to draw a guidance card from the Dark Goddess Tarot (this is such a rich, profound, wise, and moving set of cards) and I drew the Magician – Isis. This is my soul card (in terms of Tarot Birth Cards) and also one I’d drawn over the past several months as I moved through the change from my previous teaching position into one of departmental management. It all fit; it was as if the universe was saying: “This is you, it’s your time, you got this.” And here it was again.

I closed the previous week with an important meeting at which I provided a pile of evidence in support of a change that I knew needed to happen. I wasn’t sure what the outcome would be, but in the end the upper management team agreed with me and approved the change. I was walking on air (appropriate for the Magician!). I felt that I’d accomplished something that was as monumental as it was simple, and I was elated to have been able to pull it off. Today I will be sitting in another meeting where I will be explaining this change, and later this week I’ll be doing it yet again, so Isis was very welcome encouragement.  The guidebook for this deck reads:

“See what needs changing and step up to change it. Because you can. Energy is flowing through and around you now, available for you to shape and direct.”

It gave me shivers to read that. One thing that has been most satisfying for me as I walk this new path has been the ability to make positive change where I have seen the need for it for so long – change that benefits the faculty, the students, the program, and the school overall. It is extremely empowering, and there is a breath of liberation within that experience that I have not felt before quite in the same way.

I took a look at the bottom of the deck, and smiled at Baba Yaga, the Hermit, flying through the air in her mortar. It was a gentle reminder that I am still in Hermit-space, and that much of the work I’m able to do now has come from all of the time I’ve spent alone, gathering data, investigating, testing out my theories and making new discoveries. It’s funny because as I thought about my Hermit tendencies in relation to the workplace I recalled how I often call my office “the cave,” and when an instructor wishes to talk in private I often say, “Let’s do it, come into my cave!” The irony, of course, is that my office has no roof, and only three walls. The fourth wall is also a sliding door made entirely of transparent glass, which means that I’ve got a fish-bowl thing going on. Still, there is something to be said for boundaries, and these walls at least give me a designated space in which to sit alone, and a door that, while clear, can still be closed.

On the top of the deck I found Epona, embodying the 6 of Fire. When I made this rather large change last week I was nervous about what the global reaction would be. Would my team understand? A few that knew about it were supportive. I was very confident that they would all feel the same way after I presented the evidence, and yet I still battled some anxiety. Would a partner department be on board with it? It turns out that they are just as happy about it as I am, which was both a surprise and a tremendous relief. The 6 of Fire is not just “success” (though it is that, too). In the Dark Goddess Tarot it is about transformative work that comes about through caring leadership and working as part of a team. This is how I see myself – not as a boss, but as a leader, and honoring the role, value, and strengths of each member of my team is of utmost importance to me.  The guidebook reads:

“Sometimes it takes a herd. And a herd needs a strong, sensitive, balanced leader. Especially when the herd is not of docile sheep but swift, spirited horses.”

My “herd” (I’m not sure they’d appreciate that title, ha!) is most definitely the spirited type, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Accept the accolades, take in the blessings, and store that sunshine. Let it give you strength as you go forward.”

Experiences teach what instruction cannot. Often it is in the doing that the deepest learning takes place. I’m certainly “doing” these days. I don’t have a mold to fill, and every day presents new opportunities for growth and expansion. I will store this sunshine as I continue to walk my nebulous path that materializes with each step I take; and I am grateful.

Cosmos Tarot: A Reading

Yesterday I facilitated my first important meeting in my new position, after spending a couple of weeks preparing for it. Over the course of my various career paths, I've led a lot of meetings, and as a teacher and presenter I'm accustomed to speaking before groups, however this felt like a whole new ball game (so to speak). I was going to be presenting on various critical aspects of my program and requesting feedback from our department's advisory council, and I wanted to make sure that my data was accurate, clearly presented, and well-organized. Needless to say, I was slightly anxious!

Yesterday I decided to pull some cards from the Cosmos Tarot to provide some advice for how to approach this meeting:

1. Do this: 3 of Fire (Tucana)
2. Don't do this: 3 of Air (Hercules)
3. What to be aware of: Judgement (Capricornus)

As I was shuffling the cards, Strength (Puppis) leapt out at me. This was comforting for many reasons, but one of the connections I made was that when I had read on my ability to do this job (during the interview process) I pulled Strength, and found its message of calm confidence and compassion very stabilizing and encouraging. So I saw this as a reminder that the same skills or traits that brought me to this place would sustain me throughout this experience.

In the image on this card we see a ship moving forward between two towering cliffs. Surely the channel is narrow and harrowing to navigate, but the shades of deep purple give a sense of being calm, cool, and collected, and the golden hue in the sky foreshadows success. There are oars in the water - someone is navigating. However the greatest force propelling this ship onward comes from the many beings under the water. Bulls, fish, birds, people.... they are like spirits offering their support and guidance, even in quiet ways.

As advice about where to focus, and what to do, the 3 of Fire encouraged me to focus on goal setting, plans for moving forward with what's been developed thus far. It would be best to have a clear list of proposed focal points to discuss. And the keywords on this particular card read: expression, confidence, communication. Being clear and concise with my words would be important, and then, there again is the theme of confidence...in myself, in my ability, in the ideas I would be sharing.

As advice about where not to focus, and what not to do, the 3 of Air (Hercules) suggested that to focus on the challenge of this meeting would not serve me at all. The keywords here are: great effort, trial. I was feeling somewhat anxious about the meeting, however worrying, focusing on the potential difficulty of the task at hand, would only shake my calm and wear down my confidence. It was important to stop thinking about this meeting as a hardship, or hurdle to be jumped, and start focusing on the benefits of idea sharing and goal setting highlighted by Tucana.

Finally, Judgement, Capricornus, appeared as "what to be aware of." It actually appeared inverted, which told me quite a lot - similar to the message of "confidence" in Strength and the 3 of Fire, this card told me to toss any self-doubt out the window. I had this. I would be fine. Yes, I should review the development of the past year with this council. I should talk about what wasn't working, and how we might take steps to improve those areas. But I should do so with the understanding that I am perfectly prepared to describe and address the pertinent and salient issues, and likewise I am capable, along with the support and diverse perspectives of the advisory team, of directing our "ship" forward into clearer waters (which again conjures that image from Strength). The keywords here are: setting priorities, efficiency, practicality. This would be my focus. Furthermore, I am a Capricorn, and the connection to my sun sign felt important. Last week I met with the dean (my boss) and when she realized that my birthday was coming up soon she said, "Oh, you're a Capricorn! Well no wonder managing the faculty schedules is a breeze for you!" We had a little laugh about that (she also happens to be a Reiki master, which I love, but I digress...)

The story over all told me that I didn't need to worry - that in fact to worry would detract from the experience. All I needed to do was spend a little additional time ensuring that the agenda and discussion items were organized, clear, concise, and geared toward progress. If I could manage that, and preserve my own self-confidence, the meeting would go just fine.

In the end, it did just that!

A New Moon Reading

For day 13 of the October Shadow Work challenge, the wrangler, Mnomquah, tasked participants with a New Moon reading:

The positions (and the cards I drew for myself) are as follows:

1) The Light - what you know and accept about yourself: Chariot
2) The Shadow - what is hidden from you about yourself: 10 of Swords
3) Why you fear your Shadow - what is preventing you from seeing or accepting your Shadow: Strength
4) Why you should embrace your Shadow - what are the positive sides of the Shadow that would benefit you? 7 of Swords reversed
5) How to integrate the Shadow into the Light - what steps you should take in order to accept your Shadow: 5 of Swords reversed
6) The Outcome - the possibilities if you succeed in bringing the Shadow into the Light: Sun and Judgement

Tarot of Vampyres

I have two cards for #6 because I had a "jumper" as I was thinking about that card position. So I've placed both the jumper and the additional card that I selected for that position, as partners.

As I pulled the cards the story that unfolded before me became more and more clear. I said in a previous post that each day of this challenge seems to offer a bit more detail that slowly helps me understand the bigger picture. It continues to be true here.

The fact that my shadow is represented by the 10 of Swords is very fitting. This is the card I pulled as representative of my month of October, and for this entire month I'm working each day with my shadow.

Tarot of Vampyres

I've already identified that part of this shadow work relates to reclaiming my personal power, and also that a predominant emotion that has emerged for me is sadness. When I saw the combination of the Chariot (as my light) and the 10 of Swords, I felt a very familiar sensation: that of powering past pain. The figure on the Chariot is aggressive and determined; nothing will stop him from achieving his goals. In the 10 of Swords I see (and feel) pain. This vampire woman has been knifed right in the solar plexus and lies agonizingly across a four-poster bed. It's interesting because this is often a card of being "stabbed in the back" and yet the source of my own pain often centers in the solar plexus. These cards represent two aspects of myself: the part that has experienced sharp, deep pain, and the part that insists on riding past it as swiftly as possible, hurrying away from the suffering as fast as my beast will take me; refusing to spend any more time in that dark space than is absolutely necessary. I will myself to move on because I can't bear the idea of lingering.

I've always been a very happy person. I am a peacemaker. I seek to understand and honor others. I tend to see the best in people. I am more trusting than suspicious. I want to heal others and make them happy. Joy is part of my essential nature, a core foundation of my soul. Throughout my life, from the time I was a very small child, I've had a visceral opposition to negativity, but most particularly to feelings of sadness or despair. Over a year ago I wrote a blog post for the Litha Blog Hop called "Joy and Shadows" in which I discuss how difficult it has always been for me to process sadness.

But as you grow up, you do experience pain, and some of it can feel unbearable at times. My instinct is to power past it. To distract myself through the worst of it, and to move on as quickly as possible, most especially when I feel betrayed and shamed. My desire has always been to let the difficult memories fade with time until they become nought but occasional and brief recollections of another era.

So the Chariot, my aware-self, streams past the shadow-pain of the 10 of Swords, using its pure Will to force the grief undercover.

Tarot of Vampyres

Card 3 represents what prevents me from seeing or accepting my shadow, and I pulled Strength. At first look this might seem strange: how would embodying strength, compassion, or resilience keep me from dealing with pain? And on one hand there is something to be said for the consequences of my desire to smooth things over, to bend over backwards being compassionate to the people who have hurt me, trying to understand others to the point of undervaluing my own experience. There is something potent there. But there is also another side: the Chariot, my light, is about hard control - using force and determination to get what is desired. It is externally oriented, it's about what you (and others) can see. Strength is about soft control, and it's internally oriented. In Strength, the black panther symbolizes this woman's fierce inner power, fully integrated. What that means to me is that by avoiding pain, I'm avoiding the opportunity become fully integrated with my own divine power. And that has been a major element in my shadow work.

The 7 of Swords reversed speaks to why I should embrace my shadow - the positive aspects that my shadow might afford me. This says that confronting, sitting with, accepting, working with (instead of against) my shadow is the ultimate act of honesty with myself, of reclaiming my power. It allows me to see who and what I am, to realize that I'm truly capable of making the changes that I want to see, of embodying the fiery qualities that I know I possess in my soul.

Position 5 deals with how I might integrate the shadow into the light, and I pulled the 5 of Swords reversed:

Tarot of Vampyres

I often think of this as the "bully card." What I really like about the imagery here is that in its inverted position (which is how it appeared) the prostrate girl changes positions with the demon. Upright the demon hovers over the young lady like a dark cloud, but reversed, she returns to the light. Symbolically this shows a turning of tides, a reversal of the difficult qualities of this card where the victim becomes the victor. This card suggests letting bygones be bygones, however in order to do that I need to give myself time and space to review my past. If I don't become fully aware of what I'm avoiding, it will follow me like... a shadow!.... right on into the future. The time is here to let go: have I truly forgiven my trespassers? What does it mean to "forgive and forget?" Can I forgive without forgetting, and if so, how do I keep the memory of difficult situations in my psyche without being drawn back into that pain? What does true forgiveness even look like? What shame or embarrassment still lingers in the background and how is it impacting me? How can I break free?

If I succeed in my efforts to integrate my shadow with the light, I have both Judgement and the Sun waiting for me:

Tarot of Vampyres

The Sun bounced happily out from the deck, and was interesting for two reasons: 1) according to my birth cards, the Sun is my shadow, in which case this shows that I will have literally reclaimed it, and 2) the card itself shows the essence of light and dark intertwined into a harmonious union. I decided to make a mental note of the Sun's presence, and I put it back into the deck to complete shuffling. When I finally pulled all of the cards, I was again quite impressed to see Judgement in this position #6. This is the card that represented yesterday's topic of "What I can't accept about myself." So again, this drives home the immense, powerful, and touching energies that I'm working with, and that with effort I can indeed achieve this. I decided, for curiosity's sake, to see what card was hiding behind Judgement, and lo and behold, it was none other than the Sun.

I have a lot more to say, far more to consider, and over time I'll do just that. But for now, it's tea time.

Captain of My Ship

I was too busy last week to pull my normal "draw for the week ahead" and I even managed to forego my Monday-draw for my Facebook page. Finally yesterday afternoon I settled down to pull a "where I'm at, and what to do about it" reading. Rather than looking at the week ahead I decided to simply do a check-in for myself. Later I realized that it was not only the evening of the full moon, but it was the full moon-eclipse-bloodmoon-in-Aries. Wow! That is quite the lunar action! So not only did my reading make sense for me, it took on even greater meaning once I learned about the moon activity taking place on that very same day.

I pulled the following line of three cards: 10 of Swords, 7 of Wands reversed, Emperor

Prisma Visions Tarot/J. Eads

Often when I look at a line such as this, I read it almost like Lenormand. The first card highlights the matter at hand, the middle card illuminates an important element in regard to the matter (how I feel about it, an effect or impact, etc.) and the third card is a result or conclusion, sort of a "what to do or be aware of next." There is some flexibility to the interpretation, but in a general sense this is what I do.

Here I have the 10 of Swords as the "matter at hand," which is interesting because I pulled this card as representative of my month of October about a week ago. It's quite true in terms of the general state of things in my environment. I'm exhausted - feeling rather overworked and stressed out by my job. In some ways it's a good thing, and I always appreciate a challenge. But there are a lot of unknowns at play at the moment that have had me questioning the point of all that I'm doing. So in a physical sense, the aspects of this card that speak to exhaustion and even back pain are right on the money. In another sense I do also feel that I'm in a phase that's closing out to make way for some new thing that I can't yet see. What I like about the 10 of Swords is the aspect of closing out the old, putting matters to rest, scraping away the ineffective in order to make way for healthy growth. And in some not-so-literal ways, I feel some of that unfolding.

The 7 of Wands appeared reversed, which does make sense, because when I feel overwhelmed it's like having my flame muted or dimmed. Rather than simply meeting challenges head-on and knowing I can handle them, I have moments where I want to hide in a quiet place by myself and take a break from the world; moments when I am not so confident that I can handle change in the way that I want to do. What the 7 of Wands encourages me to do is to remember that I can do it, always. That my "down" moments are brief and fleeting, and that all of this is reminiscent of something like the discomforts of labor - difficult, painful, draining, but ultimately leading to something important and good. In the image on this card a person is alone, leaping from stump to stump out over a lakeshore. The sky is alight with color and movement. I've done this before. I've faced difficult situations and I've navigated them not without anxiety, but with grace and ability nonetheless. By remembering what I've done in the past I can fortify myself for the present and future.

The Emperor made me smile when I saw him. I've pulled this card several times of late, which is a nice complement to the Empress that has been following me as well. The Emperor reminds me that I have the power and strength to be the captain of my ship. He is the great architect, creating and organizing the structure of the surrounding world such that order is established and progress can be made. I find immense comfort and encouragement in that energy. Above all the Emperor is connected to Aries, and I was born with the moon in Aries, which is where it is currently located during this super-full-blood-moon eclipse. Aries underscores boldness, power, and forceful-yet-controlled action. If I was looking for extra strength to get me through this time of transition, I couldn't have asked for a better card. So, taking the Emperor into my heart and soul over the next few weeks, I'll focus on this:

"To be like the fiery ram, captain of my ship."

Joy in a Box: Druid Plant Oracle

It all started one afternoon as I was minding my own business (as usual), when suddenly I came across a listing for the Druid Plant Oracle where the seller was asking for $150. I stopped in my virtual tracks. That's a lot of money. That usually only happens when a deck goes out of print, and I wasn't aware that this had happened to the Plant Oracle. I have had the Druid Animal Oracle for a couple of years and enjoy it immensely; it's a great combination of nice writing (by Philip and Stephanie Carr-Gomm) and beautiful artwork (Will Worthington. Come on.). The Plant Oracle (by the same author-artist team) was one I'd wanted to acquire at some point, but just hadn't gotten around to quite yet. Now that I saw that it was on the market at such exorbitant prices I was pretty disappointed. So I did some investigating and found that the Book Depository was selling it for $20! I bought it immediately, with glee. But then I started to feel uncertain. I noticed that there were two listings on the Book Depository - one for the cards, which were listed as "unavailable," and one for the book which is what I'd bought. So I reasoned that it made sense that I'd bought the book for such a reasonable price and that it would come without the cards. I was a little unhappy, but at the same time glad to at least have the book. After all, I love working with herbs, so I thought it would be a nice addition to my herbal book collection. I also have the Druid Animal Oracle, the Wildwood and the DruidCraft Tarot decks (all illustrated by Will Worthington) which often feature the plants covered in the Druid Plant Oracle, so I decided it was worth having the opportunity to delve deeper into card meanings by learning more of the lore associated with these plants. And plus, despite not having the cards to work with, I could always do bibliomancy!

Several weeks later the package arrived in the mail, and as I opened it up I gasped with joy:

It was in fact the entire kit! I ripped the plastic wrapping off, lifted the cover of the box, and inside I found a book, and (cue the angelic voices singing) the cards!

It was a good moment, to say the very least. I am so thrilled to have this deck and the excellent accompanying book in my collection. I spent an hour or so on the couch in the evening flipping through each card, looking some of them up in the guide book, reveling in the art work, discovering which plants were included. I was very happy to find many of my dearest herbal friends, such as Elder, Meadowsweet, Plantain, Clover, and Yarrow, along with some new-to-me plants like Celtic Bean.

So I decided to pull two cards to help "break in" my new, dear deck:

What is my current strength?: Mint
How can I challenge myself (to be/do better)?: Flax

Mint. The slight irony here is that perhaps two hours before doing this reading I was out in my garden weeding around my mint plant, thinking a lot about it, and how I can't wait for it to spread and fill out. Some people try to tame mint because it likes to take over space, but in my case I would welcome it; the soil is sandy and sparse in nutrients so herbs do best here. I have happy rosemary and sage plants, a rather static-but-healthy lavender, and then my newcomers, lemon balm and mint. Over the weekend I was chatting with some friends about the benefits of mint, so it was nice to see it show up here.

Mint, according to the book, is about clarity, focus, and creative drive. It is about the attentiveness needed to take advantage of new opportunities, and encourages being proactive rather than waiting around for something to come your way. As a "strength" this makes sense because over the past month or so I've been working on a lot of new projects, and have had a couple of new opportunities offered to me, both of which required quite a lot of focus, clarity, and active engagement. I do feel that I've held my own in the face of these at-times-challenging, yet invigorating, tasks and projects.

Interestingly, Flax is quite a different - almost opposite - energy. Flax encourages relaxation, acceptance, and integration. It challenges me to go with the flow, to honor the interconnectedness of all things, and to ease into change and transition. With Flax, the good that you put out into the world will come back around to you. In terms of my past month I feel that the overall message here is that I've done well with applying myself fully to the important activities in my life, and now I can step back and see what develops out of the work I've been doing. Rather than continuing to push forward, it is time to settle in to "what will be" and to open myself to synchronicities and communication with others in my flaxen web.

All in all, I am super happy with this deck. And I really love the details in each card. Aside from showcasing the herbs, there are fully illustrated scenes I want to jump right into. Last night I spent quite a while reading about the Sweet Track, a neolithic, raised foot trail in southwestern England, which is featured on the Mint card. I'd never heard of it before, and was entirely intrigued. I'm looking forward to learning what more this lovely deck has to offer!

Just Do You

Yesterday marked the first day of September, which comes as a great relief to me. The heat and humidity of the summertime tend to feel oppressive by August, and saying goodbye to that final, full month of the hot season is rather pleasant (though in reality the changes in overall weather from August to September are so subtle they're almost non-existent, so my relief is more psychological than anything!).

This morning, instead of a daily draw, I decided to pull a card asking, "What strengths should I develop during the month of September?" In the end one card turned into three, and the message felt right for this point in my life:

3 of Cups reversed - Lovers - Explorer (Knight) of Earth

Gaian Tarot; J. Powell-Colbert

I tend to see myself as a confident and laid-back, open-minded person, but that doesn't mean I don't suffer from the occasional insecurities. For instance, as I develop and grow, I like to write about my experiences. It feels good to express myself, though sometimes I worry that some people won't like, or understand, or connect with my words or point of view. I want to pat myself on the shoulder, sigh, and say, "That's life, mi amor!" Really, I do know how unrealistic it is to hope that the entire planet will be receptive to my thoughts and ideas (especially considering only an atom-sized percentage of the world's population even read my posts!). But by worrying about those who might not "feel me" I'm allowing some of my capacity for joy and free-expression to seep away, and that is not the route I wish to take. 

The Lovers reminds me that all I can and must do is me. Just do me. I have to be true to my reality, my experiences, and my voice (which in fact coincides with my card of the week via FB: Knight of Swords!). I read an article the other day about a married Catholic priest (he converted to Catholicism after marrying and having kids, and he was already an Episcopal priest prior to that). It was certainly an interesting read, but what stuck out to me was the way the man described the differences in expression between the two faiths. As an Episcopal priest he experienced and witnessed quite a lot of pressure on the priesthood to say what people wanted to hear rather than what the priests felt it was important to discuss, because the lay people of the church "held the purse strings." If they didn't like a priest or a priest's perspectives, they could restrict programming or simply rally together and boot the priest from the church altogether. In the Catholic church priests are appointed to parishes and have a measure of security in their position that allows them to explore concepts and ideas that feel important without the pressure of conforming to popular opinion. This was a relief for him because as a married priest, he would obviously be likely to face scrutiny and displeasure from some parishioners. Religious trappings aside, the core of the message is clear and resonates with me in certain, important ways. 

The Explorer of Earth reminds me that this is my path, my journey, and the way that it manifests in the physical world will be unique to who I am. The woman on this card tends to the natural environment. She thinks she is alone, but in the background the spirit of a stag stands watching over her. Perhaps this is her guide, a sign that even when she feels alone, she is always in close company. Perhaps it's a reminder that while her offerings may seem insignificant in the broad scope of the universe, it does mean something to someone, somewhere; above all, it means something to her. Her way may be slow, but her work is measured and steady; she is making an impact, even if in small and quiet ways.

So my September message is: get over it, Olivia, and just. do. you. Stop worrying, and start enjoying. Be an otter in the river, love yourself as you are, and keep plodding along.

I think I can find a way to handle that!