Be Good to Yourself

My morning ritual for the past handful of months has involved putting coffee on to brew, and sitting down to pull a card or two for various Instagram challenges. I enjoy these Tarot/oracle challenges because they give a focal point for the day (one I don't have to think up myself). But this morning I looked at the prompts for both of those I'm participating in and shrugged. Neither appealed to me. I sat there staring for a while - should I look up a spread? Do a Celtic Cross (those are informative and familiar, but maybe too many cards for now)? No... as I sat there a three-card spread materialized in my mind, something simple and "just right" for my mood:

How do I feel?
What do I need?
How can I get it?

I felt moody yesterday, that old and familiar impulse to be alone, to not have to talk with anyone, to not have to be around other people. The hermit and the cave. I don't feel much different today. But having just come out of a hurricane that shut the city down for a week, I have so much to tend to at work, and a lot of people who rely on my support. My weekly reading "warned" me of these feelings. Sitting on the couch this morning I started to daydream about taking a day off, and how amazing it would feel to be able to take a day to decompress. Then I remembered the 7 of Cups from that weekly reading: "if you can imagine it, you can make it happen." Making my own needs a priority, if not the only one. Perhaps I could make it work? I decided to draw my cards:

Pagan Otherworlds Tarot - Uusi 

How do I feel? 5 of Wands rx
What do I need? Queen of Pentacles rx
How can I get it? 8 of Cups rx

All reversals certainly reflect the choppy energy moving through me at present. The 5 of Wands speaks to a sense of inner conflict - my internal and external worlds not combining well. That is very much the case. I sit here reviewing my schedule for the day, and I don't want any of it. And yet I'm not sure I can relinquish those responsibilities.

The Queen of Pentacles tells me that I should focus on taking care of myself, on addressing the needs that aren't being met; she asks me to be good to myself. This Queen gazes over at the 5 of Wands, perhaps aware that it is the source (at least in part) of her discontent. She gives me permission to honor my personal, intimate priorities, rather than brushing them off in the face of the busy-ness surrounding me.

The 8 of Cups reflects a desire to abandon it all - to walk away. And yet inverted it shows that I'm not convinced that I can, or should. But this is about getting what I need, so what about finding a balance? I started to reflect on my day today, on what I ought to be present for (a morning meeting), and what I may be able to release in order to make space for myself (perhaps completing some work from home in the afternoon). As I thought, I realized that I do have some wiggle room. I do have options. And suddenly my day started to take on a different hue.

8 of Cups: Go to the Doctor!

I am slowly recovering from a bad cold that led me directly into a flare-up of asthma. Getting myself back out of the "hole" is taking just about as long as it did to reach the depths of the valley, but I am definitely seeing progress each day, and I'm grateful for that. Last Thursday I tried to secure an appointment with my doctor, but unfortunately the receptionist informed me that the last open spot had just been taken, and if I needed any medical care prior to the following Monday I'd have to go to the urgent care center. I spent some time muttering to myself about the U.S. health care system (what's the point of having a primary care doc if you can't get in to see them when you're unwell?). Between long wait times and a higher co-pay, I was feeling reluctant to go to urgent care, and yet I knew that "something" was brewing.

Still, couldn't I swing it with herbal tea? Maybe I could get some eucalyptus and have a nice steam! I decided to consult my Tarot app: "Should I stay home and do homeopathic treatments, or should I go to the doctor?" Tarot app said:

Dammit! It doesn't get much clearer than this in Tarot World. The 8 of Cups was telling me to suck it up and go to urgent care. Still, I hesitated. I put it off. I waited until later in the afternoon, and when my husband returned from work, he started in on me: health is far more important than anything else - get going! So I went.

I waited for two hours, and yes, I paid a really annoying fee to see the doctor, but my hunch was right: my lungs were a hot mess, I needed a nebulizer treatment and a round of prednisone, and I really needed it in that moment - waiting would have been a poor choice. As reluctant as I was to heed the advice of the 8 of Cups, I'm glad I finally did!

Interviewing the Steampunk Tarot

Last night I acquired the Steampunk Tarot by authors John and Caitlín Matthews and artist Wil Kinghan. Steampunk as a genre has never held much interest for me, but I appreciate the depth of thought and wisdom that the Matthews bring to their work, so this particular deck has always drawn my attention when I've seen it sitting on the bookstore shelf. I just never felt that $20 was worth the price of a deck I was only slightly interested in.

Then last week I took my oldest daughter out on "date" (I try to give each of the three of my kids some one-on-one time now and again) and I saw that a single, final copy of the Steampunk Tarot was in the bookstore's clearance bin at 50% off. I snatched it up. But ultimately I thought, "Do I really need this deck? I have several others I'm exploring at the moment..." and I decided to put it back.

Last night I took my younger daughter out on our own "date" and she wanted to go to the bookstore, too. On a whim I thought I'd see if the deck was still there, though I doubted it would be after so many days, and at such a low price. Nevertheless, there it was. This time I decided to take it home with me.

The art seems to be a mixture of photographic collage and artwork, but the overall look is unified and interesting. This post is not a proper review so I won't go into all of the details here, but I will discuss a short interview I did with these cards, in light of the previous interview with the Cosmos Tarot having gone rather well ;-)

1) What is the strength of the Steampunk Tarot? 8 of Submersibles (Cups)
This deck will be a great tool for plumbing the depths of my psyche, my deepest longings, for uncovering the areas of my life in need of release and refreshment. In this image a submarine soars deep into the mysterious reaches of the ocean, but rather than finding itself surrounded by darkness, it approaches the bright light of illumination; a precious discovery awaits.

2) What can it teach me? Navigator of Engines (Knight of Wands)
The Navigator of Engines is a spiritual traveler, always on the move. He indicates that this is a great deck for exploration and journeying, for identifying my spark of life and finding ways to embody it. This card appeared inverted, which indicates subtlety and inner workings. But it also brought to mind a concept I recently learned about: in Kung Fu, "patience" and "mastery" are represented by the symbol of fire, reversed. The key is not to dim the fire, but to control it; to know when to unleash it and when to contain it. In this light it carries a resemblance to Strength. I like the idea that this card might refer to a deeper understanding and embodiment of personal power and responsibility.

3) How can I best approach working with it? XII. Suspension Tank (Hanged Man)
In order to get the most out of this deck it will help to suspend judgment, and open myself to its offerings. As I said before, the steampunk genre has little interest for me, but I do find that the decks that I love working with the most are those that challenge me the most. Therefore the imagery here may provide new angles and perspectives from which to understand myself, my environment, and my interactions with others. In this image a figure hangs suspended upside down in a tank with two others observing. A beam of light moves through the suspended person, through each major energy center of the body. By sacrificing the ego, profound insights may be discovered.

I'm glad I finally own this intriguing set of cards; here's to a new journey!

I Know This Much Is True

Yes, you may have to face conflict, and I know that you don't prefer that.

But you have a panther inside of you.

Try not to suppress its essence; rather,

let it breathe with your breath.

Don't walk away.

Yes, you will have to wander through the deep unknown,

and uncover parts of yourself that you didn't realize were there.

You'll feel afraid from time to time, but don't give up.

This is death

and it is birth.

You are becoming you.

Your fire will lead you onward.

This is not a mask you must learn to wear;

it is a power you were always meant to wield.

Contemplating "Home"

Since writing the Samhain post about honoring my grandfather, Giuseppe, the other day, I've been thinking about the concept of "home." He moved around a lot, was an immigrant a few times over, and when I was younger I found some sense of pleasure out of the description my mother gave our family as "nomads." Yes, we have appeared to have a sort of "itch," it seems.

Since our immigrant ancestors, we've ever been on the move. At first perhaps it was due to the pursuit of better economic conditions, but is there something more? A constant search for a feeling of "rightness" and belonging?

Last night I was watching an episode of the Originals (a vampire show) and the topic of "home" popped up. Two of the characters were discussing how fiercely they would defend their right to live in their home city, and I thought, "I don't know what that feels like." To be so connected to the place where you live that you would fight to stay there. So I decided to pull some cards about it. I didn't ask a clear question, I simply held this idea in my mind as I shuffled ("What is home, and how does a lack of home impact me? How do I find home?"). I pulled:

8 of Grails/Cups - Judgement rx - 10 of Skulls/Pentacles rx

Tarot of Vampyres

The 8 of Grails was fitting, since it is a card of movement, of dissatisfaction or lack of fulfillment. It's about going on a journey. There is something here of the nomad experience. The 10 of Skulls is the quintessential "family legacy" card - what do you pass down to future generations, and what have you received from your own ancestors? It's a card a closely associated with the essence of a family's material being and presence. And in the center lies Judgement, provoking so many questions I don't even know where to begin.

I live in central Florida now, but I was born on the east coast, and spent my early years between Connecticut and Rhode Island. At about kindergarten age my natal family moved to Michigan, and for nine years I lived in one town, moving to another (very different) city for the next eighteen years. Then my husband and I packed up our things and our kids, and drove into the deep south. You might think that Michigan would have been that "home" for me, but I felt discontented there despite having lived in that state for most of my life. It didn't feel like home, though it was certainly very familiar.

And while there have been many wonderful aspects about life in our "new" state, I don't feel at home in Florida either. So I ask myself:

Will we always keep moving on in search of a place that feels right? If so, we will never provide that land-rooted legacy for our future generations; instead ours will be a legacy of the nomad, the pilgrim, the wanderer. 

And if we always search, are we destined never to find? 

Is the answer in the act of deciding to stay rooted to a place, to not move even when we feel discontented? 

Is the answer in the realization that our legacy moves within us and doesn't need to be anchored; that perhaps our legacy itself is in our movement?

Is there perhaps no answer at all? 

Perhaps this is the legacy of all immigrants who lose their connection to ancestral lands. There is something to be said for the "family oversoul" - those gentle energetic ties that connect us to our parents, grandparents, great-grandparents and beyond. As I did a cursory search of my own blog I found that for last year's Samhain post I had a "conversation" with my grandmother (who passed on thirty years ago) and the 10 of Pentacles was the heart of the draw. It's interesting that it has come up again almost exactly one year later. In the context of that post the focus was on honoring and reuniting family - the idea that home is where the largest grouping of multigenerational family is. A year ago we were considering moving back to Michigan since my mother and step-father are still there. And yet we are still here, with no plans to go anywhere anytime soon.

I sometimes imagine how our family's oversoul impacts me, us. Does my grandfather's wandering nature wield a more forceful vibration through the generational lines? His children, whose American bloodline epicenter lies in Connecticut, are now in Michigan, Tennessee, and Florida. Two of them are fairly regular world travelers. Their children are in England, New Zealand, Alaska, Saudi Arabia, Boston, Florida, California. The net is cast ever wider. Most of those are world travelers as well.

So is "home" in the people, or in the land? Is it in both? How do we recapture a sense of belonging - to each other, to a particular part of the earth? Or do we not? Do we simply restructure, rebuild, reconfigure family "legacy"? Do we start over, honoring the past and releasing it? I don't know, but I'll be sitting with this for time to come.

Bast and the 8 of Cups

I normally keep pretty close track of the moon cycles, but the past month has been pretty busy between vacation, driving across the country, and getting back up to speed at work. Yesterday I kept feeling antsy each time I would walk past my bóveda (altar), antsy with the drive to give it a thorough cleaning. I normally do this kind of thing perhaps once a month, and usually on a Friday. But I finally couldn't take it any more, and decided to make it happen on a Wednesday night. I dusted, changed the cloths, rearranged things, lit some candles, burned some herbs. When all was said and done I leaned back on my bed and decided to have a look at my moon cycle app - lo and behold, it was the night of the New Moon! And then it all made sense: the New Moon is a time of releasing the old, and embracing the new - even in mundane ways. I was feeling the lunar nudge to clean my space up, and it was too keen a call to resist.

It was also time to pull a card for the week ahead, so I decided to combine my weekly draw with a New Moon draw. Again, I've used the Morgan Greer deck in combination with the Goddess Knowledge cards, and pulled:

8 of Cups - Bast

It's interesting that the 8 of Cups has come up....yet again! This is turning into one of my cards of the season, and is entirely appropriate considering all of the inner and outer fluctuations that have been occurring over the past several months. It's a welcome card, because it speaks of going on a soul journey, of a willingness to release the hold on "what is" in order to open up to "what could be."

Bast, also called Bastet, is an Egyptian goddess with quite a long history. While she originally was associated with the sun, later Greek influence aligned her energies to some degree with Artemis, so she also came to develop a connection with the moon. No matter what, she is the cat- or lion-faced goddess of strength and wisdom, of independence and fertility, of protection and joy. All of these qualities seem deeply appropriate for a soul journey. In fact I love how in the relationship between the cards, we see the red-hooded figure walking off toward the mountains, while Bast stands like a sentinel of the night, calling the walker forth, keeping watch over the unfolding voyage.

The card duo invites me to ponder the joy possible in being brave enough to follow my own path, to be uniquely "me," and to take the road less traveled.

Questions to consider:

What satisfies you? 
What do you, or could you, do to embrace authenticity in your life? 
How do you know when it's time to break a routine and explore something new?

Wildwood 8 of Vessels: Rebirth and the Cycle of Life

The Wildwood 8 of Vessels is the counterpart of the more traditional 8 of Cups in the Rider-Waite deck.  The traditional meaning usually suggests the pain in realizing that what you’ve worked to build may not be what will ultimately satisfy you.  It relates to feelings of disillusionment, and the desire for "something" more. Thus it speaks of moving on, leaving something behind (a relationship, an emotional attachment, a special project) and starting a journey.  The journey doesn’t necessarily have a clear destination or end-point.  In fact in many more traditional cards, the moon shines above, illuminating a path that leads through mountainous terrain; the journey is full of mystery and perhaps the traveler will stumble along the way…..and yet the journey is necessary.  There is a touch of mourning that comes with realizing that it’s time to move along, so the card is not without some sadness.

Wildwood Tarot
John Matthews, Mark Ryan, Will Worthington
Sterling Ethos, 2011

In the Wildwood 8 of Vessels we see a scene that is quite different from the traditional: a great vessel overflowing with water hangs suspended above a pond, with three smaller vessels pouring into it.  Below, four more small vessels sit along the edges of the water, receiving the overflow from the suspended vessels above, and in turn releasing their own excess into the stream that flows out from the pond.  The keyword on the card is “rebirth.”  This scene embodies many of the same understandings as the traditional 8 of Cups, but the message is encapsulated by the natural cycle of water.  In this image, the pond is simply a temporary pooling place for water heading from its past into its future.  It gathers for a while, but it can’t stay.  Once movement is extracted from the water cycle, it begins to stagnate (which in fact is the core meaning of the Thoth 8 of Cups “indolence”).  Stagnation means that growth ceases, the water becomes tainted.  And this is precisely what happens when we overstay our time in a relationship, in a particular phase of life, in a job we’ve spent time and energy nurturing and are afraid to let go of (and the list goes on). Release is necessary for rebirth, and rebirth is necessary for our spiritual and emotional health.  Rebirth is not supposed to be comfortable, but it always carries us forward to experience new things, to help us continue to bloom as human beings.  Rebirth is a never-ending part of the cycle of life, what ultimately gives depth and richness to each year that goes by.