Acknowledging Grief

A few weeks ago I found myself "on edge" quite a bit. I would become angry - or at least irritable - with great frequency, and even small incongruities or comments would set me off. I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin, and I sensed that something was "wrong" with me, but I couldn't figure out what it was.

One morning as I sipped my coffee I decided to lay out a Celtic Cross for myself, and the center of the spread was the Page of Wands reversed, crossed by the 3 of Swords. I was a bit puzzled, but I knew that the Page was me. The first word that popped into my head about the relationship of this card to my own state of being was "petulant." Touchy, grumpy, testy, querulous, bad-tempered. Yep. Setting that aside, I then decided to pull another Celtic Cross for a loved one. In the position that represents the significant people in one's environment, I once again drew the Page of Wands reversed. Sigh. There I was again. And if I showed up here, then I knew that this important person was feeling the reverberations of my touchiness. I didn't want that.

So I decided to draw a solution card. What could help me right the energy of this reversed Page? I shuffled and cut the deck, and I drew the 5 of Cups. Hm! 3 of Swords, 5 of Cups. A common theme was forming related to grief, sadness, regret, mourning...... What did all of this have to do with my mood?

I set it on the back burner to percolate as I got ready for work. And then on my drive in it all hit me. This past year has been the most difficult and devastating of my entire life. I am still processing all of the changes and the associated emotions, which vary greatly, but are mostly quite painful. Over the summer my kids spent time up north with their grandparents and I was afforded a very unusual period of alone time. During that time I found that I'd be going about my days and weeks quite ordinarily, when seemingly out of the blue I was walloped by body-wracking waves of tearful grief. This would occur periodically, and each time I was surprised by the depth of hurt that would manifest. At the same time it was quite cathartic, and I always ended up feeling better. I became grateful for the space, the time alone, because I realized that if I were surrounded by the busy-ness of kids' schedules, and school requirements, in addition to everything else vying for my attention, I would likely have been too distracted for this outpouring of feeling.

On the ride to work, it all clicked into place. I realized that I was experiencing what would have been a crashing wave of grief, but with the constant flow of my external world (the kids had already come back, among many other things) I didn't have the quiet space to recognize it. Instead of sadness, it was showing up as anger. In that moment I started to cry, and it was like a release-valve immediately relieving the built-up pressure. I had a name for it; I understood what was happening to me, and why. I was deeply grateful for the way the cards had urged me toward that realization, and the reminder that I'm still working my way through a process that takes time and requires a special effort to ensure that I am taking care of myself.

New Breath

It has been eight months and five days since my last blog post. I took a lengthy sabbatical largely due to the requirements of my personal life. Without sharing too many details I can at least say that the last year has encompassed the very worst and very best moments of my life, to date (saying that always reminds me of the first line from A Tale of Two Cities!). I stopped writing because I could not write - both literally and figuratively.

And now I find myself unapologetically and fearlessly able to resume this expression.

I pulled a card on the most convenient divination device: my phone app. How to describe the path that has led me to this point? Succinctly and not surprisingly it gave me the Tower:

A great rupture in the fabric of life. A great purge and burning. A great ripping and reemergence. A great reckoning. A great realization and, as the Star that follows this one in the Major Arcana, a great hope. A great healing. A great peace. A divine stillness. A coming home and a Becoming.

A deep exhale.
A filling of new breath.

Weathering the Storm: Hurricane Irma

Hurricane Irma swept up over the peninsula of Florida last weekend, knocked over a lot of trees, peeled off some roofs, flooded bodies of water (and homes), and floated off to the north, taking our electricity with it. One week to the hour that we lost our power, we got it back (around 9:30pm last night). A week without electricity is great when you're backpacking, but in an urban setting post-storm it's a whole other thing. We have done well, though, I believe. We are fortunate in so many ways. Experiences like this cause you to think in new ways, and that is always welcome and good.

As I've been trying to keep up with two Instagram challenges, I thought I'd share two recent posts that capture the essence of this experience...

The following is something I posted a couple of days ago for the September Tarot challenge hosted by @lionharts:

Energy to work with this week: 4 of Swords (rx) from the Ostara Tarot

As I was shuffling, my mind wandered to the feeling I have been having lately that - despite having had a hurricane-related week off work - I am going to need a vacation. The problem is, I am not going to get it! Most people I know have their power back, but we are on day 6 of no electricity, in the hot, humid, subtropical late summer. I'm starting to get cranky. We have been operating in semi-survival mode for days, each moment considering our food options, what we have and don't have, if what we have is enough, how not to break the bank on takeout, how not to melt when the internal temperature of the house sits around 88 degrees. Dirty clothes rack up. In the evening we take walks and notice that the whole neighborhood has lights on now except for our block and the neighboring apartments. There is a tree that split nearly in two during the storm, one half leaning against a utility pole. A week later and there has been no movement to tend to it. I suspect this is why we are still in the dark.

I have been grateful, in many ways, for this time. Grateful for the shift in mindset it provokes. Grateful to see how people come together to support each other during times of distress. The kids spend long hours playing together rather than watching videos. I am profoundly aware of how good we have it compared to others who lost lives or whole roofs during the storm. We (humans in general) are deeply capable of thriving out of the bounds of the technological world. But give me a tent and a forest; the urban environment isn't friendly to this. We receive notifications not to interact with water bodies due to possible contamination and displaced wildlife (aka gators). Nightly strolls are complicated by brush from fallen trees that block the sidewalks, and yet the street has its own hazards (cars and crazy drivers). I won't have the downtime I would like, a liminal space to recover from the sap on my energy, and so I will have to take the time I need wherever I can.

This morning I wrote the following for the La Vie en Tarot challenge:

Do a three card spread

Visconti Sforza Tarot

Theme of the week: 10 of Swords ~ exhaustion, I am sure. The last week hasn't been particularly easy and I have a lot to do this week. The power came back on late last night, which was amazing. But there is no time to recover before jumping back in to the grind. It's also the last week of September classes for our students, and the schedule (due to the hurricane) is going to be chaotic. It is just a week, though, and we'll be fine. 

Challenges: 5 of Coins ~ I may feel like I don't have enough resources. We spent so much money on hurricane supplies and food while we were without power that I definitely do feel a bit financially cautious. But to a large extent that's a mindset, and the Queen of Pentacles I pulled earlier this morning speaks to that. 

Boon: 7 of Cups ~ If you can imagine it, you can make it happen. And also, encouragement (permission) to focus on my individual needs which may be different from the group I interact with. 

We are well. The kids are back in school today after a week of canceled classes. The markets are still low (at best) on cold foods, and some gas stations are still out of commission. Parks are still flooded, and debris still clutters the right-of-way down most streets. But these things will ease with time. I'm grateful for the experience, challenges and all.

Here are some pictures from my neighborhood:

A Cup Overflowing

Note: this post is all about menstruation, so if that's not your cup of tea then you may not want to continue reading ;)

I feel like I've been mentioning this topic quite a bit lately, and that's probably because any mention of it at all is more than I ever usually discuss my cycle in public! But in some ways it feels larger than me - relevant to all women, in some way or another. I'm also realizing that I've been feeling a bit "activisty" about it all.

A short time ago I wrote a poem about my decision to stop taking the contraceptive Pill (you can click here to read that post) and this past Tuesday marked the start of the first period free of chemical influence. It did come as a small surprise since for many years it all ran like clockwork: I stopped the Pill on a Tuesday, and by Friday I was bleeding. I started the Pill again the following Wednesday, and so forth. Cramps were minimal, and the duration of my periods was fairly short. Without a pill pack my periods will be reestablishing their own rhythm (though to slightly reduce the guess work related to when I can expect it to begin, I may download a "period tracker" app). Ah well, who needs an app when those subtle-yet-unmistakeable physio-emotional signs serve as useful alert? I was sending a voice message to my sister on Tuesday morning about how irritable I was - how I felt a little "premenstrual" and was finding myself reacting more strongly than usual to small annoyances. I didn't think that enough time had passed from my last period, so I chalked it up to my own hormones going through a shifting and resettling process. But lo and behold, that afternoon at a quick bathroom stop I found that it was indeed that time.

Wednesday morning (the next day) I pulled the Ace of Cups as my daily draw from the Morgan Greer  deck:

Morgan Greer Tarot - US Games

My first thought was: oh look! My cup is overflowing!... not in the way we tend to think... symbolic love and emotion... no, no.... that morning it was quite literal. In fact, upon waking up I had run directly to the bathroom after a torrent of blood overwhelmed just about everything I was wearing from my waist down. This period is not messing around. And just look at that lotus situation happening at the bottom of the card: that is clearly a uterus and ovaries! ;)

Emotionally I have been feeling quite prickly for a few days, and rather than easing up, it seems to be settling in and getting comfortable. Today is day three, and my disposition is quite like a cat with flattened ears (you cat people know what I'm talking about). Today is just not the day to be having any kind of conversations with people. It could go terribly wrong. It's not even noon yet and I've already had to stop myself from sending a couple of emails that my superego (thankfully) deemed entirely unnecessary.

While some of this is rather uncomfortable (emotionally and physically, and even logistically), there is another part of it that feels satisfying, and very welcome. I feel like my body is sighing with relief, as if I've finally given it the tools it needs to conduct a major deep cleaning. I'm giving it back its agency and sovereignty. And that feels profoundly nourishing.

Don't "Connect" With Your Deck? Be More Specific!

Tarot enthusiasts are wont to make the following sorts of statements about decks in their collection:

I really love the artwork, but I just don't connect with it.

I tried reading with it a few times but I couldn't seem to connect with it, so I gave it away.

I'd like to encourage the use of more specific language rather than the common refrain: I don't "connect" with it. What does that mean? It certainly doesn't mean the same thing for everyone who uses the phrase.

Golden Tarot - Liz Dean

When people talk about not "connecting" with a deck, they usually mean one (or a combination) of the following:

• They feel uncomfortable with the deck's theme
• They don't like the artwork
• They like the artwork but find it doesn't represent the card essences clearly or accurately enough
• They like the artwork but find each card too "busy" or the images too fine/detailed to read with easily
• They find non-scenic Minor cards a challenge to interpret 

Why does specific language matter? Well, speaking as a writer and language professional, I strongly believe in cultivating accuracy in expression. I also feel that working to be as clear and detailed as possible about our experiences is a wonderful exercise in mindfulness and self-awareness. And of course understanding exactly why someone else doesn't "connect" with a deck might help us to empathize more profoundly with their experience, and hence allow us to commiserate and/or offer better feedback.

There is some wisdom in not being overly quick to rid ourselves of decks that don't seem to do it for us in the moment: those that don't call to us now may call quite powerfully to us later. Sometimes particular decks seem to complement a particular phase of our journey, and thus make the ideal companion, even if only for a while.

And then there are decks that may collect dust for years, but are worth hanging on to anyway, such as....

My copy of the Prisma Visions Tarot - a beautiful deck, and a solid part of my collection, but one I rarely feel called to read with. Why? The artwork on some cards (ahem, Wands courts) is simply a bit "messy," which is not aesthetically pleasing to me, and in some cases has me examining a card up close muttering, "What the hell is happening in this picture??" I also think that in the creation of the suit storylines, aspects of each individual card's composition and unique meaning was sacrificed. Still, it's a lovely and extremely creative work of art.

Prisma Visions - James R. Eads

So, here's to clarity in articulation - may it serve us well!

Book Review: Going Beyond the Little White Book

Learning to read the tarot can be a daunting task. A traditional deck contains 78 cards, each one with incredible depth and breadth of meaning - where do you even begin? There are numerous theories regarding the "best" approach, and ultimately each seeker must find her or his own way. What is often indispensable (however one chooses to dive in to the universe of tarot) is a good reference text that goes beyond what any "little white book" could ever provide...something both esoteric and practical; something that offers a clear framework while encouraging intuitive development; something that provides a substantial launch pad of sorts, and yet leaves space for unique growth and exploration to occur.

Liz Worth's book,* Going Beyond the Little White Book: A Contemporary Guide to Tarot, successfully manages to deliver that alchemical combination in a thorough, easy-to-read, and very relatable package.

Following a brief introduction, the book is divided into three central sections:

• a short but fundamental "How to Use This Book" prologue, 
• the Major Arcana, and 
• the Minor Arcana (broken down into suits)

I highly appreciate the manner in which Ms. Worth sets the stage for the reader: learning the tarot is a  long-term process that requires patience, commitment, and an open heart. No matter how long you have been reading, there is always more to uncover; we are all eternal students. And while on one hand she has created a profound and beautifully structured guide for use with any deck, she is very clear that the content she has developed is far from exhaustive: this book provides a (very comprehensive!) home base as each reader develops a unique and personal relationship with the cards. With her work Ms. Worth is offering up the sort of resource that she would have wanted as a new tarot student, and yet her holistic and detailed approach offers wisdom, insights, and food-for-thought even for established readers.

An average of four pages of text is awarded to every card in the deck, and each entry features the following sub-sections:

• An "intention" that matches the energy of the card
• A card-appropriate mantra that can serve as a focal point for study or meditation
• A thorough overview of the card's energy and meaning
• Suggestions for how to understand the card as a "challenge"
• Examples of the card's connections to the two most popular areas of life: career and romance (both "light" and "shadow" aspects)
• A list of questions to consider (I am a huge fan of using guiding questions to connect a card's meaning to personal experience, so I particularly love this element)

If you enjoy reading reversals, or if you are interested in exploring them, you will be quite satisfied with what you find here. While Ms. Worth mentions in her prologue that due to space constraints she has chosen not to include the meanings of reversed cards, she discusses how to understand cards when they fall in "challenged positions," which is one of the most common ways to understand a reversal. However by discussing them as "challenged" as opposed to "reversed," Ms. Worth offers the full scope of a card's potential meaning without showing preference for a particular reading style: some people don't use reversals, but all readers consider the shadow aspects of cards. Whether intentional or not, this approach is quite effective.

I do want to mention that while Ms. Worth has created a valuable resource that supports the use of any deck a reader prefers to work with (no card images are included in the book in order to encourage this), the card meanings do favor the Rider-Waite-Smith system as opposed to, say, the traditional Marseille (that said, there are some who apply the RWS method of reading to Marseille decks, and if you are one of those, then have at it!).

When all is said and done, the practical approach and natural voice that Ms. Worth weaves so fluidly together with her substantial experience in card reading makes for a very engaging and worthwhile read, no matter how many years you've been shuffling.

The down-n-dirty details of Going Beyond the Little White Book:

• Author: Liz Worth
• Author's website: LizWorth.com
• Format: ebook ($8.28) and paperback versions ($24.95) are available 
• Page count: 354
• ISBN: 9781483458557
• To purchase, click here.

*I received Going Beyond the Little White Book from the author for review. That said, the content in this post accurately reflects my true thoughts and opinions on the title.

The Lovers: What Do You Stand For?

(I am sharing this from my Instagram account because I feel it merits being cross-posted)

I have been deeply upset by the gassing of towns in Syria 🇸🇾 and the images of the toll this has taken particularly on the most innocent of creatures: the children. It's a devastation (yet another, piled on top of all that the Syrian people have had to endure) that moves far beyond any hope of expression.

This morning I wished forcefully that a divine hand would descend and wash from the earth all of the perpetrators of these horrible acts; and that the same hand would provide safe haven and healing to all of these disastrously affected, innocent people. But that's not going to happen. The divine hand, in the end, must be our own. We wait and wait for something to change, but it doesn't. And at times, when we thought it unlikely to worsen in scope and impact, it does just that.

Syria is not too far away, it is not full of unknown people, and the horrors happening there are not disconnected from any of us. These energetic ties that permeate the universe touch us all, and each act of violence is a breach in the web.

Pagan Otherworlds Tarot - Uusi

I asked the cards: What can we do? The Lovers was the response.

We can demonstrate our love for one another. We can be a beacon. We can support our fellow humans when they are in pain. We can decide what we truly believe in, and if we are willing to act on those beliefs. I keep hearing DMX in my head: "It's about gettin down for what you stand for."

What do you stand for? What can you do about it?

• Donate to humanitarian efforts like NuDay Syria, Islamic Relief, and many others who are working to aid victims of these most recent gas attacks, and refugee resettlement
• Talk about what's happening
• Stay on top of the news
• Pray
• Be willing to learn more about the conflict and its impact on civilians
• Urge (through calls and letters) your government representatives and senators to oppose any ban on acceptance of Syrian refugees

What do you care about? What do you believe in? How will you show it?

Every person can make an impact. 🔥

Death as a Source of Power

As part of my participation in an April Instagram challenge, I drew a card from the Major Arcana meant to represent the archetype from which I draw power. As I started to shuffle, my mind began to wander...what card would appear? I can say that of all of the images that passed through my thoughts, I was not expecting the one that I finally pulled - and it is in those moments that the most interesting and unexpected insights emerge....

I draw power from Death.

Druid Craft Tarot - Art by Will Worthington

I see the tale of Ceridwen, Gwion, and Taliesen here in the cauldron's crest, and it has special significance for me at the moment, another iteration of a common theme of inspiration and transformation.

In Death I see the story of our ancestors. How many people have contributed to our bloodline, have died without their names or stories ever being recorded? And yet they influence us still, in our blood and bones, in our örlog and our hamingja, the substance of our very souls. We are their legacy. Death - even our own mortal one - is not the end of our tale, nor that of those who will draw on our guidance far in the future when we are in turn ancestors, when perhaps even our own names and stories have been forgotten. No matter what, our essence is an indelible thread in the fabric of existence.

I draw my power from my ancestral past, and from the mythologies that still serve to teach timeless lessons to us after thousands of years.

I draw my power from the cycle of death and birth, or creation, and change; death and life are indivisible lovers.

Yesterday's Hanged Man, drawn as the "source of my skills," brought to mind, as always, Odin's story of self-sacrifice. Today's Death furthers that line of connection: to greet its presence every day, even in its smallest measures - the death of a thought, a feeling, an assumption, a limitation, of an expectation or desire - to allow something new to be born in its place: that is life and growth.

Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future

For the month of December I am participating in a loosely heathen-centric Instagram challenge hosted by @MagnoliaMoonHolistic called #mmyulechallenge. For days 15-17 the prompts are very Charles Dickens: Ghost of Christmas Past, Christmas Present, and Christmas Future. As when drawn together this creates a nice spread, I've chosen to combine the days thus, and pull cards from the Dreams of Gaia Tarot:

Ghost of Christmas Past: 9 of Fire
Ghost of Christmas Present: 10 of Air
Ghost of Christmas Future: Major XIX

I love the mirroring of this line. The two end cards are fiery and bright, and the figures look outward, while the middle card has cooler colors (fitting for Air), and the woman is turned away, looking through a portal into the universe. Numerologically, the 9 and 10 make 19, reflecting and amplifying the energy of the Major Arcana card.

The 9 of Fire brings forth an energy of intensity and pressure. This image underscores the idiom "grace under fire." This man has absorbed and transformed the sense of chaos surrounding him, and has produced from it a white rose of peace and potential which floats between his hands.

The woman in the 10 of Air is processing the depths of a new personal paradigm. She is looking into the universe, into herself; she is willing to release, to be released, and thus to be reborn.

Major XIX in the Dreams of Gaia is called "Emotions" and in a similar vein to the more traditional Sun, it connects to the expression of joy and happiness; the invitation for those powerful experiences to be called forth, honored, recognized; to allow them to move, to breathe, through you.

In the past year I've certainly seen some radical and positive changes in my life. The 9 of Fire pressure that propelled me forward; that taught me about my will and fortitude; that pushed me to keep striving, and to keep my faith; ultimately fostered a particular experience of abundance and personal power that I'm sure has fed into the reconceptualization of the 10 of Air. The other day I was on a walk with my husband and I was telling him about how different I feel, how much I've grown in the last twelve months. I'm the same, and I'm different; I'm a better, stronger, more refined expression of myself. I see through new eyes. I see new possibilities. The hint of sadness that seemed to lurk for so long beneath the surface of my waking mind has evaporated. I feel the warmth of that joy unfolding, and I'm truly and deeply grateful.

Samhain Blog Hop: Guidance From Our Ancestors

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Welcome to the Samhain Blog Hop! Louise Underhill, from Priestess Tarot, is our trusty wrangler this time around, and she has asked us to open ourselves to the guidance and advice of our ancestors in honor of the present time of year. So here goes!

Last Samhain Blog Hop I chose to focus my post on my Grandpa Malgeri. This time around I decided not to choose, but to let any grandparent(s) come forward that wished to. I pulled three cards to help describe the person, and another three cards to form their message to me. Interestingly, I found my Grandpa Malgeri here again!

Pagan Otherworlds Tarot

The King of Swords is the anchor card, and my mother's dad was a Libra; I think he was a good father in his own way, but he made choices that ultimately led to many years of considerable geographic separation from his kids. The Page seems to trying to show his pentacle to the King of Swords whose attention is diverted toward the Lovers - he's even gesturing toward them. My grandmother left Italy and returned to the U.S. with her kids after she learned that my grandfather had been having an affair.* So here I see my grandfather nestled between two rather significant areas of family life: his love relationships, and his children. I will underscore the fact that I don't judge my grandfather and the choices that he made - life and love are complex and messy at times. Given that he died when I was a baby, these are some of the sparse details that I know about him, which means that they are particularly helpful themes to touch on for purposes of helping me figure out which grandparent was "speaking."

I love that he is letting me know that he is still here and present in my life.

The message along the bottom - the 6 of Swords, Fool, and Ace of Wands - speaks of movement, new adventures, and opportunity. This is indeed what my astrology reports have been hinting at lately, too! And I see evidence of it in my life - the sense of wheels turning, of new paradigms waiting to be born, of branching out (no pun intended!) and exploring new territory, especially as it relates to my professional life.

Thus it is a comforting confirmation of the small wonderings that clamor for the attention of my waking mind. I'm ready for what may come.

This is a peek at my ancestral altar which has been seeing quite a bit of action lately.

May your Samhain, Halloween, may your Winter Nights, be blessed.

To continue around the circle of blog hoppers, use the links at the top or bottom of this post!

*Interestingly, in a reading I did recently (for Shadow Work October on Instagram) about the "wisdom of the female lineage," I saw my grandmother's story there, too!

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Gender in Tarot: A Simple Study

Months ago, sometime back in the autumn of 2015, I started to look at gender representation in the Tarot as a whole. While I can't recall exactly what initially prompted me to engage in this small-in-scope review, I nonetheless think that the data is interesting to consider. Below I've outlined the major elements of this study, and included some graphics that I hope help illustrate more clearly the layout of gender balance across the decks I chose to examine:

Primary Impetus:
        1.      Consider proportions of gender representations in Tarot decks
        2.      Compare percentages/balance across a selection of decks
        3.      Raise the discussion about gender representations: whether or not it matters, whether or not
                 it should (images serve as subtle messages that influence our perceptions of our
                 environment, reinforcing - or challenging - cultural norms).

Limitations:
        1.      The sample of decks used here is small, and from my personal collection (not exhaustive).
        2.      Potential for some subjectivity (figures I see as androgynous others may see as male, etc.)

Worth Further Examination:
        1.      Gender and marital/relationship representations
        2.      More decks

Things to Keep in Mind:

        1. Some decks (like the Stone Tarot, Thoth, and Vision Quest) are styled with less-scenic Minor
                  Arcana cards and therefore figures are limited to court cards and the Major Arcana.

Total Decks Reviewed: 12

1. Rider-Waite-Smith Tarot by Arthur Waite and Pamela Colman Smith
2. Thoth Tarot by Aleister Crowley and Frieda Harris
3. Vision Quest Tarot by Gayan Silvie Winter and Jo Dose
4. Tarot De St. Croix by Lisa De St. Croix
5. Fountain Tarot by Jonathan Saiz, Jason Gruhl and Andi Todaro
6. Mythic Tarot by Juliet Sharman-Burke and Liz Greene
7. Deviant Moon Tarot by Patrick Valenza
8. Prisma Visions Tarot by James R. Eads
9. Tarot of Vampyres by Ian Daniels
10. Halloween Tarot by Karin Lee and Kipling West
11. Wildwood Tarot by Mark Ryan, John Matthews, and Will Worthington
12. Stone Tarot by Alison Stone

An Initial Overview of Findings (there is far more to be explored than what I list here)

When looking solely at the balance of female:male representations:
Number of decks with more Male than Female: 8 (67%)
Number of decks with more Female than Male: 4 (33%)

When including additional cards:
Number of decks with more Indiscernible/Non-Human/No Figure than Male/Female: 8 (67%)

• Decks with greatest gender disparity in favor of male cards: RWS, Mythic Tarot
• Decks with greatest gender disparity in favor of female cards: Tarot of Vampyres, Tarot De St. Croix
• Decks with greatest male/female balance: Thoth, Vision Quest Tarot
• Decks with high percentages of "indiscernible" figures: Halloween Tarot, Prisma Visions Tarot
• Decks with a majority of non-human cards: Thoth, Vision Quest, Stone, Wildwood
• Deck with greatest overall balance: Deviant Moon

Note: in the charts below the term "Indiscernible" represents cards with human or otherwise anthropomorphic figures that are shadowed, blurred, distant, or androgynous. "Both" indicates the number of cards that feature both male and female characters.

New Year's Reading Special

From now until January 15th I am offering a special $39 New Year's spread to explore the predominant energies in your life throughout the course of 2016. The spread is one I have worked on since last year, and I've found it to be quite to-the-point and helpful, especially if you review it as you move through the year.

There are nine positions in this New Year's Spread:

1: You
2: Relationships
3: Family
4: Home
5: Work
6: Money
7: Spirituality
8: Strength
9: Advice

Depending on your personal circumstances or preferences, you may choose to replace a position with another that is important or relevant to you for 2016, or specify the nature of a position (for example, if you want "relationships" to focus on a friendship, a romantic relationship, or even your love prospects in general) - just let me know!

If you are interested in requesting this reading either for yourself, or for a family member or friend, please click here.

If you are a fellow reader, please feel free to use this layout for yourself!

Significators in the Tarot

In Tarot, significators are typically court cards that represent the person being read for (including the reader, in a self-reading), as well as important people in the person's life. Some people use them as part of a reading (pre-selecting a significator as a focal point), and some don't (I fall into the latter category).

There are quiet a few theories about how to choose this card, but in my experience no choice is really necessary - the cards themselves show you who you are (if you're paying attention). And while you may tend to show up as one particular card most frequently, you may find yourself symbolized by a number of other courts, depending on the context of the reading. For example you may see yourself appear as the King of Swords in matters of work and "outside life," but then you may appear as the Queen of Pentacles when it comes to a reading about your family.

Stone Tarot - A. Stone

Often I see people choose a significator according to their gender and astrological sun sign (i.e. a Pisces woman would be the Queen of Cups, and a Sagittarius man would be the King of Wands). In reality this is not always true or reliable. For example, I am a double Capricorn woman, however my principal significator is the King of Cups. I tend to show up most commonly as Kings in general, but also at times as Queens (most usually the Queen of Cups) and even Pages (particularly the Page of Wands).

My husband and one of my sisters both show up most often as the King of Wands even though they are water and air signs, respectively. Another sister (a Leo) is most commonly represented by the King of Swords, while my mother is the Queen of Cups (that one fits the mold being that she's a Cancer!). I even remember reading for a man who appeared in his own reading as the Queen of Wands. In all of these cases the significators were not preselected or decided upon, they were shown.

Navigators Tarot of the Mystic SEA - J. Turk

This isn't to say that astrological associations aren't ever accurate, or can't be helpful. As I mentioned before, my Cancer mother's card is the Queen of Cups. My eldest daughter (a triple Earth sign) is most often the Page of Pentacles. And in an ancestor reading for a client once, the Queen of Swords appeared. I asked my client if his sister was an air sign, but he wasn't sure about her birthday. Later he checked with his mother, and sure enough she had been an Aquarius.

Court cards represent our most salient traits and characteristics, so they don't always match up neatly with gender or astrology. And that is a good thing, as it allows much more fluidity in readings, and in the end reflects our diversity with far greater acuity.

A New Moon Reading

For day 13 of the October Shadow Work challenge, the wrangler, Mnomquah, tasked participants with a New Moon reading:

The positions (and the cards I drew for myself) are as follows:

1) The Light - what you know and accept about yourself: Chariot
2) The Shadow - what is hidden from you about yourself: 10 of Swords
3) Why you fear your Shadow - what is preventing you from seeing or accepting your Shadow: Strength
4) Why you should embrace your Shadow - what are the positive sides of the Shadow that would benefit you? 7 of Swords reversed
5) How to integrate the Shadow into the Light - what steps you should take in order to accept your Shadow: 5 of Swords reversed
6) The Outcome - the possibilities if you succeed in bringing the Shadow into the Light: Sun and Judgement

Tarot of Vampyres

I have two cards for #6 because I had a "jumper" as I was thinking about that card position. So I've placed both the jumper and the additional card that I selected for that position, as partners.

As I pulled the cards the story that unfolded before me became more and more clear. I said in a previous post that each day of this challenge seems to offer a bit more detail that slowly helps me understand the bigger picture. It continues to be true here.

The fact that my shadow is represented by the 10 of Swords is very fitting. This is the card I pulled as representative of my month of October, and for this entire month I'm working each day with my shadow.

Tarot of Vampyres

I've already identified that part of this shadow work relates to reclaiming my personal power, and also that a predominant emotion that has emerged for me is sadness. When I saw the combination of the Chariot (as my light) and the 10 of Swords, I felt a very familiar sensation: that of powering past pain. The figure on the Chariot is aggressive and determined; nothing will stop him from achieving his goals. In the 10 of Swords I see (and feel) pain. This vampire woman has been knifed right in the solar plexus and lies agonizingly across a four-poster bed. It's interesting because this is often a card of being "stabbed in the back" and yet the source of my own pain often centers in the solar plexus. These cards represent two aspects of myself: the part that has experienced sharp, deep pain, and the part that insists on riding past it as swiftly as possible, hurrying away from the suffering as fast as my beast will take me; refusing to spend any more time in that dark space than is absolutely necessary. I will myself to move on because I can't bear the idea of lingering.

I've always been a very happy person. I am a peacemaker. I seek to understand and honor others. I tend to see the best in people. I am more trusting than suspicious. I want to heal others and make them happy. Joy is part of my essential nature, a core foundation of my soul. Throughout my life, from the time I was a very small child, I've had a visceral opposition to negativity, but most particularly to feelings of sadness or despair. Over a year ago I wrote a blog post for the Litha Blog Hop called "Joy and Shadows" in which I discuss how difficult it has always been for me to process sadness.

But as you grow up, you do experience pain, and some of it can feel unbearable at times. My instinct is to power past it. To distract myself through the worst of it, and to move on as quickly as possible, most especially when I feel betrayed and shamed. My desire has always been to let the difficult memories fade with time until they become nought but occasional and brief recollections of another era.

So the Chariot, my aware-self, streams past the shadow-pain of the 10 of Swords, using its pure Will to force the grief undercover.

Tarot of Vampyres

Card 3 represents what prevents me from seeing or accepting my shadow, and I pulled Strength. At first look this might seem strange: how would embodying strength, compassion, or resilience keep me from dealing with pain? And on one hand there is something to be said for the consequences of my desire to smooth things over, to bend over backwards being compassionate to the people who have hurt me, trying to understand others to the point of undervaluing my own experience. There is something potent there. But there is also another side: the Chariot, my light, is about hard control - using force and determination to get what is desired. It is externally oriented, it's about what you (and others) can see. Strength is about soft control, and it's internally oriented. In Strength, the black panther symbolizes this woman's fierce inner power, fully integrated. What that means to me is that by avoiding pain, I'm avoiding the opportunity become fully integrated with my own divine power. And that has been a major element in my shadow work.

The 7 of Swords reversed speaks to why I should embrace my shadow - the positive aspects that my shadow might afford me. This says that confronting, sitting with, accepting, working with (instead of against) my shadow is the ultimate act of honesty with myself, of reclaiming my power. It allows me to see who and what I am, to realize that I'm truly capable of making the changes that I want to see, of embodying the fiery qualities that I know I possess in my soul.

Position 5 deals with how I might integrate the shadow into the light, and I pulled the 5 of Swords reversed:

Tarot of Vampyres

I often think of this as the "bully card." What I really like about the imagery here is that in its inverted position (which is how it appeared) the prostrate girl changes positions with the demon. Upright the demon hovers over the young lady like a dark cloud, but reversed, she returns to the light. Symbolically this shows a turning of tides, a reversal of the difficult qualities of this card where the victim becomes the victor. This card suggests letting bygones be bygones, however in order to do that I need to give myself time and space to review my past. If I don't become fully aware of what I'm avoiding, it will follow me like... a shadow!.... right on into the future. The time is here to let go: have I truly forgiven my trespassers? What does it mean to "forgive and forget?" Can I forgive without forgetting, and if so, how do I keep the memory of difficult situations in my psyche without being drawn back into that pain? What does true forgiveness even look like? What shame or embarrassment still lingers in the background and how is it impacting me? How can I break free?

If I succeed in my efforts to integrate my shadow with the light, I have both Judgement and the Sun waiting for me:

Tarot of Vampyres

The Sun bounced happily out from the deck, and was interesting for two reasons: 1) according to my birth cards, the Sun is my shadow, in which case this shows that I will have literally reclaimed it, and 2) the card itself shows the essence of light and dark intertwined into a harmonious union. I decided to make a mental note of the Sun's presence, and I put it back into the deck to complete shuffling. When I finally pulled all of the cards, I was again quite impressed to see Judgement in this position #6. This is the card that represented yesterday's topic of "What I can't accept about myself." So again, this drives home the immense, powerful, and touching energies that I'm working with, and that with effort I can indeed achieve this. I decided, for curiosity's sake, to see what card was hiding behind Judgement, and lo and behold, it was none other than the Sun.

I have a lot more to say, far more to consider, and over time I'll do just that. But for now, it's tea time.

A Special Shadow Spread and Reading Offer for October

I am offering an October special-rate reading using an original shadow spread:

Deviant Moon Tarot

October Special: "Exploring Our Shadow" 3-Card Reading - $10

Just for the month of October you can order a special, reduced-rate reading to explore shadow influences:

Card 1 - Shadow: What feelings, thoughts or past experiences are floating beneath the surface of your life that you may not be fully aware of?

Card 2 - Lesson: How does your shadow impact you? What does it teach you about yourself?

Card 3 - Key: How might you address, work with, or overcome your shadow?

You may purchase the reading via the Request page, by clicking here.

If you are a reader, please feel free to use this spread for yourself! :)

Tarot Isn't A Quick-Fix

A fellow reader broached a topic today that highlighted something that's been on my mind for a while of late: that identifying an issue doesn't automatically fix it.

There are a million uses for Tarot (and divination, in general) from fortune telling, to spiritual guidance, to personal development, to gaining insights for practical decision-making, and on and on. All of these have a valuable place in the divination spectrum. As a reader I've found that by far the most powerful function of Tarot is for exploring the Self, and using insights and knowledge to make positive changes, spark thoughtful introspection, and generally making us all better, happier, stronger, and more peaceful human beings.

"Descent" by Jorge Garza

I've also found that many people (most definitely not all, nor the majority) that seek out readings on significant matters in their lives are not looking for or interested in personal growth or development; rather they're looking for fast and simple solutions to complex issues, or even simply interested in hearing that their deepest desires will come to pass, with little-to-no effort on their part (and as a side note, there are definitely "readers" out there in the business of telling clients only what they want to hear - it's not just an issue related to the impulses of a subsection of seekers, by any means). I am not entirely certain why this is, but I do notice it, and I'm curious about the phenomenon.

Tarot can be a powerfully meaningful catalyst for real, positive change. But real change is hard work. The most enriching use for Tarot is for self improvement, yet even for those people who are open-minded, honest, and dedicated to improving their lives, making lasting changes can be challenge. Tarot isn't meant to be a quick-fix. Durable change takes time and persistent effort, a willingness to delve into personal weaknesses, fears, and shadows, to shed light on what needs to be healed or strengthened or honored. It creates space for forgiveness and empowerment. This is the heart and soul of Tarot, and what makes it such a precious tool.

Some seekers are not interested in identifying areas for growth. And even knowing what needs attention is not always enough. If you're willing to do the work, however, Tarot can help create wholeness and nurture wisdom. That, for me, is ultimately what it's all about.

3x3x3 Divination Tag: My Favorite Tools

Once again I find myself posting a "top 3" list, and this time it's all about my favorite divination tools. This is timely as I'd recently been thinking about that impossible hypothetical situation: "If you could only ever use one deck for the rest of your life, which would it be?" I'm grateful not to have to make that decision, as I find it hard enough to choose only three tools per category for this post! Chloe from Inner Whispers recently discussed hers, and then Ellen at Greylady's Hearth took up the challenge, so here is my own contribution (these "favorite" posts are never in any particular order):

Top Three Tarot Decks

1. Thoth Tarot, by Aleister Crowley and Frieda Harris

I love the art in this deck, which I find incredibly vibrant, sumptuous, and expressive. The cards have a great all-around size and stock, so it's a pleasure to shuffle. I love the card backs. While it's true that I like reversible backs, the color and intricacy of the art on the Thoth card back is so lovely that it doesn't really bother me at all. In fact all of the decks in my top three list have non-reversible backs! If I truly had to choose only one deck to use for the rest of my life, it would probably be this one.

Thoth Tarot/New Orleans Voodoo Tarot

2. New Orleans Voodoo Tarot, by Louis Martinié and Sallie Ann Glassman

This deck resonates with me in important ways because it connects to a spiritual/religious system that is home to me. I don't practice Voodoo/Vodou, but I respect it greatly. I do practice Santería/Lukumí, and I love that the suit of earth features Olodumare and many of the Orishas. The artwork is earthy and rustic and sensual, and it attracts me in ways that other Orishas/Santería/Umbanda decks I've seen simply don't. You can use this deck for "standard" readings, yet it has the additional layer of religious associations that make it valuable for tradition-focused meditations as well.

3. Light and Shadow Tarot, by Brian Williams and Michael Goepferd

Based on art created from wood cuts, this black and white deck is simply stunning. The cards are way too big for me to shuffle as I normally would, so I spread them out on a flat surface, swish them around, and pick the cards that call to me. I enjoy breaking my shuffling routine in this way, and I would never trim this deck - partly because I think there is value in allowing it to be what it is, and partly because the size of the inner borders is not consistent across all cards, so it would essentially be impossible! No matter, however. The artwork leaps from the stark white background, and the lack of color doesn't impede the reading process. It's a total pleasure working with this deck!

Light and Shadow Tarot

Top Three Oracle Decks

1. Viking Cards, by Gudrun Bergmann and Olafur Gudlaugson

The imagery is simple, but the perspectives are refreshing and very insightful. There are 32 cards in this set, and each one features an aspect or symbol of Viking culture, such as "The Stone of Thor: Sacrifice", or "Sleipnir: Changes." My ancestry on my father's side is Frisian and Danish, and Norse culture and spirituality is something I enjoy honoring and exploring. This has been a wonderful part of my relatively small collection of oracle decks, and is one I use often. It's provided me with some very thoughtful and helpful readings!

2. Medicine Cards, by Jamie Sams, David Carson, and Angela Werneke

This, along with the Druid Animal Oracle, is a favorite of mine as it highlights the power and wisdom of animal energy and teachings. They are excellent for readings all on their own, or in conjunction with Tarot. They're also great for exploring animal symbolism across various contexts. This is the first deck of divination cards that I ever used, starting with them at the age of 12 or 13, and I fondly remember the valuable insights they gave me at the time. They helped me think about myself, my environment, and my behaviors in ways I hadn't before, and they are still a precious part of my collection.

3. Halloween Oracle, by Stacey Demarco and Jimmy Manton

I remember the first glimpse I had of the cards in this deck during its production period, and I really loved the art work and the way that Halloween symbols were used in unique ways to highlight aspects of the human experience. I found this deck at a local bookstore rather unexpectedly, became very excited, and headed straight for the check-out line. They have not been a disappointment. Quite the contrary, they are beautiful, engaging, and deeply meaningful. And hey, I love Halloween, so that doesn't hurt! This deck is often by my bedside, as I enjoy simply pulling a card from it now and again and using it for meditation.

Top Three "Other Tools"

1. Lenormand (Enchanted Lenormand by Caitlin Matthews/Virgina Lee is a mainstay)

Lenormand is technically an oracle, as is Tarot, however it is a defined system which sets it apart from the kinds of oracles I listed in the previous section, which vary in card quantity, card meanings, and just about everything else. Lenormand constitutes an essential part of my divination practice; I read with it every single day, and I find it's a wonderful complement to Tarot. If I want very specific, concrete information about a course of events, this is my go-to reading tool. I also use Lenormand prior to, and sometimes following, root workings.

Lenormand, Runes, and Apophyllite

2. Runes

The set I use most often is one I made myself out of smooth black stones. Rune study is something I enjoy quite a bit, and definitely constitutes a regular part of my divinatory practices. Once you start to work with runes, you see them everywhere, such as in broken twigs on the sidewalk, or in spray painted markings left in the grass by the electrician. I use runes for readings in much the same way as with cards, however I also use runes quite commonly in magical workings, such as engravings, or including a carefully thought-out script on a petition paper.

3. Dream work; apophyllite

I've always been fascinated by dreams and dream interpretation. In fact I remember once in high school when, just as we were strolling into the ladies room, an acquaintance suddenly told me about a dream she'd had the night before. I started talking her through the symbols and what they might mean, and she looked at me, wide-eyed, and said "Whoa! That actually makes sense!" I laughed (and was also pleasantly surprised with myself, I'm sure). I've had what you might call "prophetic" dreams, where what is dreamt is cluing you in to something that is going to happen, or that is already occurring outside your conscious awareness. Those are pretty helpful and interesting. I also find dreams to be wonderful guides, and insightful reflections of our true, inner world. Apophyllite crystals have amplified my dreams in many ways, and is a great tool for working in the dreamworld.

That wraps it up for my 3x3x3 Divination Tag. If you decide to compile your own list, be sure to let me know so I can read (or watch) it!

Even Mosquitos Have a Place in the Cards

I dedicate this post to my children, but in particular to my younger daughter, Lourdes.

I was sitting on the couch this evening as my older daughter, Isabella, was settling into a rhythm of chopping, seasoning, boiling, and sautéing what would later become our dinner. (She's only fourteen, but she's got skillz!) I was sifting through my Deviant Moon when I started absent-mindedly rubbing my ankle. After a few moments I realized that it was itching a bit more than what's normal, and upon closer inspection discovered a fat welt on my leg, courtesy of a Floridian mosquito. We have a couple of months to go until they cease to frustrate all and any attempts to sit outside and enjoy the weather (though I admit I've received exponentially fewer bites this year as compared to the last two put together, so perhaps I shouldn't complain too much).

As Lourdes sat next to me creating a house for her new rubber lizard out of an empty box of Always, it came to me: how would Tarot describe a mosquito?

Before you roll your eyes and start thinking that I have way too much time on my hands (which I really don't, I swear) I will say that it seemed perfectly reasonable at the moment. After all, we use Tarot to describe people and events all the time, and there's nothing more pervasive and universal than the experience of the mosquito, so why not see what the cards have to say? I went right ahead and shuffled and pulled, and when I flipped the single card over, I started to laugh. I showed it to Lourdes, and said, "Hey, look, this is what a mosquito looks like in the Tarot deck!" She started giggling. If you think there could possibly be a better card than this to describe a mosquito, I challenge you to post it in the comments below:

Deviant Moon - P. Valenza

Yes! The Page of Swords reversed! (I love how the cards have personified the bug by using a court card ;-) This Page is irritating and pesky and carries a sharp poker. Need I say more?

Well, I will, because the Deviant Moon version of this Page offers a lot toward a particularly accurate description! He's dressed mostly in red, reminiscent of the liter of blood that was slurped out of my leg earlier today as I was trying to figure out the best way to harvest the Saw Palmetto from the backyard. He wears an eye lamp which clearly symbolizes the fact that mosquitoes can always find you, no matter where you hide, and no matter how many layers of clothing you wear; just close your eyes and imagine the gentle humming whine in your ear when you're trying to go to sleep at night. They have a one-track mind when it comes to the hunt (look at those hypnotic eyes!). And as a final note, it's an air card, and flying is the mode of transportation that most mosquitoes tend to favor.

So, there it is! Tarot has spoken, as clearly and efficiently as ever ;-)