Acknowledging Grief

A few weeks ago I found myself "on edge" quite a bit. I would become angry - or at least irritable - with great frequency, and even small incongruities or comments would set me off. I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin, and I sensed that something was "wrong" with me, but I couldn't figure out what it was.

One morning as I sipped my coffee I decided to lay out a Celtic Cross for myself, and the center of the spread was the Page of Wands reversed, crossed by the 3 of Swords. I was a bit puzzled, but I knew that the Page was me. The first word that popped into my head about the relationship of this card to my own state of being was "petulant." Touchy, grumpy, testy, querulous, bad-tempered. Yep. Setting that aside, I then decided to pull another Celtic Cross for a loved one. In the position that represents the significant people in one's environment, I once again drew the Page of Wands reversed. Sigh. There I was again. And if I showed up here, then I knew that this important person was feeling the reverberations of my touchiness. I didn't want that.

So I decided to draw a solution card. What could help me right the energy of this reversed Page? I shuffled and cut the deck, and I drew the 5 of Cups. Hm! 3 of Swords, 5 of Cups. A common theme was forming related to grief, sadness, regret, mourning...... What did all of this have to do with my mood?

I set it on the back burner to percolate as I got ready for work. And then on my drive in it all hit me. This past year has been the most difficult and devastating of my entire life. I am still processing all of the changes and the associated emotions, which vary greatly, but are mostly quite painful. Over the summer my kids spent time up north with their grandparents and I was afforded a very unusual period of alone time. During that time I found that I'd be going about my days and weeks quite ordinarily, when seemingly out of the blue I was walloped by body-wracking waves of tearful grief. This would occur periodically, and each time I was surprised by the depth of hurt that would manifest. At the same time it was quite cathartic, and I always ended up feeling better. I became grateful for the space, the time alone, because I realized that if I were surrounded by the busy-ness of kids' schedules, and school requirements, in addition to everything else vying for my attention, I would likely have been too distracted for this outpouring of feeling.

On the ride to work, it all clicked into place. I realized that I was experiencing what would have been a crashing wave of grief, but with the constant flow of my external world (the kids had already come back, among many other things) I didn't have the quiet space to recognize it. Instead of sadness, it was showing up as anger. In that moment I started to cry, and it was like a release-valve immediately relieving the built-up pressure. I had a name for it; I understood what was happening to me, and why. I was deeply grateful for the way the cards had urged me toward that realization, and the reminder that I'm still working my way through a process that takes time and requires a special effort to ensure that I am taking care of myself.

Weathering the Storm: Hurricane Irma

Hurricane Irma swept up over the peninsula of Florida last weekend, knocked over a lot of trees, peeled off some roofs, flooded bodies of water (and homes), and floated off to the north, taking our electricity with it. One week to the hour that we lost our power, we got it back (around 9:30pm last night). A week without electricity is great when you're backpacking, but in an urban setting post-storm it's a whole other thing. We have done well, though, I believe. We are fortunate in so many ways. Experiences like this cause you to think in new ways, and that is always welcome and good.

As I've been trying to keep up with two Instagram challenges, I thought I'd share two recent posts that capture the essence of this experience...

The following is something I posted a couple of days ago for the September Tarot challenge hosted by @lionharts:

Energy to work with this week: 4 of Swords (rx) from the Ostara Tarot

As I was shuffling, my mind wandered to the feeling I have been having lately that - despite having had a hurricane-related week off work - I am going to need a vacation. The problem is, I am not going to get it! Most people I know have their power back, but we are on day 6 of no electricity, in the hot, humid, subtropical late summer. I'm starting to get cranky. We have been operating in semi-survival mode for days, each moment considering our food options, what we have and don't have, if what we have is enough, how not to break the bank on takeout, how not to melt when the internal temperature of the house sits around 88 degrees. Dirty clothes rack up. In the evening we take walks and notice that the whole neighborhood has lights on now except for our block and the neighboring apartments. There is a tree that split nearly in two during the storm, one half leaning against a utility pole. A week later and there has been no movement to tend to it. I suspect this is why we are still in the dark.

I have been grateful, in many ways, for this time. Grateful for the shift in mindset it provokes. Grateful to see how people come together to support each other during times of distress. The kids spend long hours playing together rather than watching videos. I am profoundly aware of how good we have it compared to others who lost lives or whole roofs during the storm. We (humans in general) are deeply capable of thriving out of the bounds of the technological world. But give me a tent and a forest; the urban environment isn't friendly to this. We receive notifications not to interact with water bodies due to possible contamination and displaced wildlife (aka gators). Nightly strolls are complicated by brush from fallen trees that block the sidewalks, and yet the street has its own hazards (cars and crazy drivers). I won't have the downtime I would like, a liminal space to recover from the sap on my energy, and so I will have to take the time I need wherever I can.

This morning I wrote the following for the La Vie en Tarot challenge:

Do a three card spread

Visconti Sforza Tarot

Theme of the week: 10 of Swords ~ exhaustion, I am sure. The last week hasn't been particularly easy and I have a lot to do this week. The power came back on late last night, which was amazing. But there is no time to recover before jumping back in to the grind. It's also the last week of September classes for our students, and the schedule (due to the hurricane) is going to be chaotic. It is just a week, though, and we'll be fine. 

Challenges: 5 of Coins ~ I may feel like I don't have enough resources. We spent so much money on hurricane supplies and food while we were without power that I definitely do feel a bit financially cautious. But to a large extent that's a mindset, and the Queen of Pentacles I pulled earlier this morning speaks to that. 

Boon: 7 of Cups ~ If you can imagine it, you can make it happen. And also, encouragement (permission) to focus on my individual needs which may be different from the group I interact with. 

We are well. The kids are back in school today after a week of canceled classes. The markets are still low (at best) on cold foods, and some gas stations are still out of commission. Parks are still flooded, and debris still clutters the right-of-way down most streets. But these things will ease with time. I'm grateful for the experience, challenges and all.

Here are some pictures from my neighborhood: