Acknowledging Grief

A few weeks ago I found myself "on edge" quite a bit. I would become angry - or at least irritable - with great frequency, and even small incongruities or comments would set me off. I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin, and I sensed that something was "wrong" with me, but I couldn't figure out what it was.

One morning as I sipped my coffee I decided to lay out a Celtic Cross for myself, and the center of the spread was the Page of Wands reversed, crossed by the 3 of Swords. I was a bit puzzled, but I knew that the Page was me. The first word that popped into my head about the relationship of this card to my own state of being was "petulant." Touchy, grumpy, testy, querulous, bad-tempered. Yep. Setting that aside, I then decided to pull another Celtic Cross for a loved one. In the position that represents the significant people in one's environment, I once again drew the Page of Wands reversed. Sigh. There I was again. And if I showed up here, then I knew that this important person was feeling the reverberations of my touchiness. I didn't want that.

So I decided to draw a solution card. What could help me right the energy of this reversed Page? I shuffled and cut the deck, and I drew the 5 of Cups. Hm! 3 of Swords, 5 of Cups. A common theme was forming related to grief, sadness, regret, mourning...... What did all of this have to do with my mood?

I set it on the back burner to percolate as I got ready for work. And then on my drive in it all hit me. This past year has been the most difficult and devastating of my entire life. I am still processing all of the changes and the associated emotions, which vary greatly, but are mostly quite painful. Over the summer my kids spent time up north with their grandparents and I was afforded a very unusual period of alone time. During that time I found that I'd be going about my days and weeks quite ordinarily, when seemingly out of the blue I was walloped by body-wracking waves of tearful grief. This would occur periodically, and each time I was surprised by the depth of hurt that would manifest. At the same time it was quite cathartic, and I always ended up feeling better. I became grateful for the space, the time alone, because I realized that if I were surrounded by the busy-ness of kids' schedules, and school requirements, in addition to everything else vying for my attention, I would likely have been too distracted for this outpouring of feeling.

On the ride to work, it all clicked into place. I realized that I was experiencing what would have been a crashing wave of grief, but with the constant flow of my external world (the kids had already come back, among many other things) I didn't have the quiet space to recognize it. Instead of sadness, it was showing up as anger. In that moment I started to cry, and it was like a release-valve immediately relieving the built-up pressure. I had a name for it; I understood what was happening to me, and why. I was deeply grateful for the way the cards had urged me toward that realization, and the reminder that I'm still working my way through a process that takes time and requires a special effort to ensure that I am taking care of myself.

Tarot Thursday Three: I Love the Celtic Cross

Here I am with another round of Tarot Thursday Three, hosted by Julia from Spiral Sea Tarot! Well, okay, I'm a day late. But late is better than never!

Question One

If you could design your own Tarot deck and have it mass-produced, what theme would it have and what would it look like overall? 

Oh, this is an interesting question. First, I don't think I would want my deck to be mass-produced. My own favorite decks tend to be either self-published or produced by small, independent publishing companies or art collectives. If I created my own, I'd prefer to take that route. That said, I have thought quite a lot about what sort of deck I would create, and I can say that I have yet to decide on the "perfect" theme or design. Perhaps this is why I don't have anything in the works!

I've thought about creating an oracle deck based on Santería/Ifá. I've thought about making a full, traditional-style deck and associating stanzas of the Hávamál with each card (I even have a partial list of card-stanza pairings). I've thought about doing a deck based on my artistic reinterpretations of my husband's photography. But to be honest, nothing feels quite right.

As far as thematic decks go, I'm actually not a huge fan. I do own a few that are particularly well-done and very dear to me: New Orleans Voodoo Tarot, Dark Goddess Tarot, Mythic Tarot, even the Giants Tarot, I suppose. But in most cases I feel that it is too challenging to jam a theme neatly into the Tarot structure, and most thematic decks have weak spots where it seems that the creator had to stretch a bit too much to make a correlation. Examples of this are: the Hobbit Tarot, the Ring Cycle Tarot, and to an extent the Vikings Tarot. So for my own deck I'd probably steer toward a more traditional style, with earthy and simple-yet-clear symbolism. And in terms of media, I'm a fan of painting.

New Orleans Voodoo Tarot

Question Two

How do you feel about the Celtic Cross spread?

Is this a trick question? I have heard many readers gripe about the Celtic Cross, but to be honest, I'm not really sure why. I don't generally like to do large spreads because there is so much meaning to be found in even a single Tarot card that anything more than five seems like overkill. But the Celtic Cross is wonderful when I want to understand the breadth and depth of energies surrounding a person or situation. I am so intimately familiar with the layout that I usually have a clear and immediate impression of what's going on over and under the surface, and for that reason I find it indispensable. There are so many versions out there, but the one I use is laid out thus (minus the significator, which I don't use):

The positions I use are:

1) Heart of the matter
2) Crossing card (elements blocking or strongly influencing the matter)
3) Above (what is on the querent's mind, what is known)
4) Below (energies flowing under the surface of the matter)
5) Past (previous issues impacting the present)
6) Immediate future (where things are heading)
7) Querent (what energies the querent brings to the situation)
8) Environment (people or circumstances influencing the matter)
9) Hopes/Fears (may or may not not be based in reality)
10) Outcome (what to be aware of 3-6 months down the line)

Question Three

If you could have any deck in the whole world (that you do not have already), which one would you pick and why?

If I had been asked this question a year ago, I would have said hands-down, "The Greenwood!!" The artwork is primal and beautiful, and of course it's out of print and nearly impossible to find... such that when you can find it, it's always set at exorbitant prices. It's actually stupid. I think that if I did own it, I probably wouldn't read with it very often, and I'd end up feeling like an idiot for spending the money. I don't long for the Greenwood anymore. Probably (aside from my distaste related to the price gouging) it is because I have grown into a better understanding of how I interact with decks, and what I really like to read with. Nowadays what deck would I love to have? I think Le Tarot Noir, perhaps. I don't own any true Marseilles decks, and the art style is intriguing - reminds me a bit of illustrations in a haunting and captivating fantasy book that doesn't actually exist.

Le Tarot Noir

Trust!

Trust is so hard, right?  Trusting that the cards will tell you what you need to know.  Trusting that you really are "doing it right."  Letting go of the fears of not connecting to the cards, or not knowing how to interpret them, of not being able to weave a story together based on what you're seeing and feeling.  Fears of negative feedback from strangers you read.  Holding on to the fear of the unknown, and of doubts.

When experienced readers say "you can't do it wrong," or "don't over-think it," or "everyone finds their own way, and it's not the same way for everyone," or "trust your intuition," they are right.  Doing it is not easy, but Tarot is not supposed to be easy.  It's a journey, and you learn as you go.

So yesterday I had a powerful reading, which really drove home all of the advice listed above.  I won't discuss the reading in much detail for confidentiality reasons, but I had done a reading for this person and about the same subject in the past.  The 10 of Swords popped up in a previous spread.  So this time as I was shuffling carefully, a card popped out.  When I picked it up, it was the 10 of Swords.  I felt that definitely carried significance, so I kept it in mind and put it back in the deck and I kept shuffling.  I cut the deck, and fanned it out to select cards.  I remember one of the cards that I selected gave me a strong, clear impression that it was a male court card.  Later, when I turned them all over, it was indeed a male court card - the Knight of Swords.  Seeing that confirmation of my feeling was pretty cool.  So after I had "dealt" the cards, I reassembled the deck and set it next to the spread.  At some point I thought about using a clarifier card, even though I wasn't really struggling for meaning.  But since I had the thought, I decided to pick the card at the top of the deck.  It was the 10 of Swords!  I smiled, and placed it next to the spread.  Okay, so this really does carry meaning for the spread and the question.

All in all the spread consisted of 6 Major Arcana, 1 court card, and 1 Ace, with two Minor Arcana.  The "future" card also coincided with the Shadow Card of the person I was reading, which gave another dimension to that particular area.  It was an intense spread, full of a lot of meaning, and the story came together for me almost as if I was reading a book.  It was really beautiful, even though the spread itself was full of uncertainty and a lot of recommendations.  It was a beautiful moment for me as a Tarot reader, as I'm learning to "let it go" and trust the process.

I used the Celtic Cross with no Significator since, as I mentioned in my last post, I've come to terms with what the positions mean for me, and I'm not stressing so much about how I shuffle.  It was a great experience, and I'm deeply grateful for it.

Celtic Cross Chaos

It's funny how complicated one spread can be..... I've been experiencing a lot of conflicting feelings about the Celtic Cross spread: on one hand I feel it's an important, common spread to be able to use effectively....on the other hand there are so many versions (so very many versions) of this spread, that it takes a lot of time to figure out what works well (for me/you/one).  And that's the advice I've found online - practice, and find out what works for you.  Okay.....

It's interesting how intuition works, because the first handful of times I tried this spread I started to develop some confusion about the placement of cards 5 and 6 (past influences, near future).  I found a lot of variations both in books and online, and my head was swimming already.  But as I was doing spreads I started to see a pattern where the 5 card (which I'd been placing to the left of cards 1/2, representing past influences) seemed to be speaking more about future possibilities, while the 6 card (which I'd been placing to the right of cards 1/2, meaning the near future) seemed to be more connected to the past.  At times it seemed they could almost be interchangeable.  It was really frustrating and I felt a lot of anxiety about continuing to play with it - well, it didn't feel like play, I was taking it super seriously and felt a sense of failure at having such a hard time figuring it all out.

I tried a lot of different organizations of cards in the spread, but none really seemed striking - no "this is it!" moments.  Then on Aeclectic Tarot, in one of the forums about people's struggles with this spread, someone mentioned that after a lot of trials, he came across Arthur Waite's version, which clicked with him.  So I looked that version up straight away, and was pleased with what I read.  Waite's version   featured the placements that I was already beginning to settle on, but with one very interesting and exciting difference: he allowed for flexibility between the meanings of cards 5 and 6 depending on the direction in which the person on the Significator card was facing.  Up until that point I wasn't using a Significator.  So I tried a spread, this time choosing the Page of Cups as Significator, which was facing to the left.  So the future card went there, while the past influences card went to the right.  If you were to choose a court card (or Major Arcana) where the person was facing to the right, then you would place the future card there, essentially reversing the placements.  This was indeed a "eureka" moment.  So I wasn't crazy after all!!!!!!  Waite's version also recommended shuffling the deck and cutting it three times and re-stacking (which is when I started actually cutting the deck, which I didn't do prior), then selecting all cards from the top of the deck.  This was a totally new method, as previously I was just shuffling and fanning.  Following that, I found the spread to be very accurate and provide a lot of insight.  I found it easier to read because I didn't have that sense of anxiety over the accuracy of card placements.

I'm still not entirely comfortable with the Celtic Cross in terms of cards 5 and 6, but Waite's version helped ground me a bit.  I am feeling that as a whole I like the "left" position for card 6, and the "right" position for card 5, even though using those positions firmly seems backward (shouldn't it be past-present-future, not future-present-past???) Then today I found a website, Psychic Library, that (shockingly) reflects this same way of understanding or working with the Celtic Cross:

It considers the first card to be the Significator, instead of Waite's version where the Significator is essentially an "extra" card.  (And as a side note, I do think that it makes more sense to either choose a Significator and then replace it, so you are working with all 78, or to use a Significator from a separate deck).  But the past influences are to the right, and the future is to the left!  Ahhh......

So, in short, I am slowly starting to feel more settled in my mind with the Celtic Cross.  I have needed to find my own way with it, and based on my own intuitions about placements, combined with some external affirmations, I'm starting to feel more comfortable with my ability to use and interpret this spread.  Of course I will still need to practice.....!!!  (And I spent a lot of time pining for my youth, when I didn't overthink shuffling or spreads, and simply shuffled, fanned, and selected without a care in the world!) But having a fairly certain framework in mind will help alleviate my anxiety and allow my intuition to lead the way. (At least that's the hope!!)

A final note about shuffling and card placements/meaning: 

After reading Waite's recommendation on shuffling/cutting, and also reading a recommendation by Joan Bunning (who I respect greatly) on her site that emphasized the importance of cutting the deck, I started to cut the deck on a regular basis - unless I am going back to basics with shuffling/fanning/selecting.  How many times I shuffle seems to vary (usually it's 2-3 times), but my cutting style is Waite's recommendation of three times, and in terms of direction I do: three to the left (cutting) and three to the left (stacking), which so far has worked well for me.  

But really, I'm not sure it really matters precisely how you shuffle, and whether or not you cut, and how you choose your cards.... 

I found some really great advice by Stefan Stenudd on Tarot Meaning about both the Celtic Cross (he also uses Waite's version), as well as shuffling, which I encourage anyone to read who is struggling with this, or any, spread!  It's just the truth: your intent, and clarity of intent, is really all that matters.  Once you've decided which card goes where, what it means to you as a reader, and what the question is, all else is unimportant. This is why readers can make up their own spreads - they decide what card placements mean, and off they go.  *Sigh* Just what I needed to hear.....and just what I need to always remember.