Death as a Source of Power

As part of my participation in an April Instagram challenge, I drew a card from the Major Arcana meant to represent the archetype from which I draw power. As I started to shuffle, my mind began to wander...what card would appear? I can say that of all of the images that passed through my thoughts, I was not expecting the one that I finally pulled - and it is in those moments that the most interesting and unexpected insights emerge....

I draw power from Death.

Druid Craft Tarot - Art by Will Worthington

I see the tale of Ceridwen, Gwion, and Taliesen here in the cauldron's crest, and it has special significance for me at the moment, another iteration of a common theme of inspiration and transformation.

In Death I see the story of our ancestors. How many people have contributed to our bloodline, have died without their names or stories ever being recorded? And yet they influence us still, in our blood and bones, in our örlog and our hamingja, the substance of our very souls. We are their legacy. Death - even our own mortal one - is not the end of our tale, nor that of those who will draw on our guidance far in the future when we are in turn ancestors, when perhaps even our own names and stories have been forgotten. No matter what, our essence is an indelible thread in the fabric of existence.

I draw my power from my ancestral past, and from the mythologies that still serve to teach timeless lessons to us after thousands of years.

I draw my power from the cycle of death and birth, or creation, and change; death and life are indivisible lovers.

Yesterday's Hanged Man, drawn as the "source of my skills," brought to mind, as always, Odin's story of self-sacrifice. Today's Death furthers that line of connection: to greet its presence every day, even in its smallest measures - the death of a thought, a feeling, an assumption, a limitation, of an expectation or desire - to allow something new to be born in its place: that is life and growth.

Seeing the Forest for the Trees

It's fair to say that things have been rather tumultuous of late, though not in an altogether negative way. In my last post I discussed the drama of having our car suddenly fail on us, feeling rather stuck, and yet experiencing so many blessings along the way. In the end there were far too many blessings and synchronicities to mention here, but it all culminated in our purchase of a new vehicle (I will say, though, that one little and intriguing detail involved our wonderful car salesman suddenly discussing Hebrew and numerology, which was pretty awesome):

Our salesman's notes on Hebrew, the name of God, and numerology

The entire affair hasn't reached a final conclusion (we still have a non-functioning "other" car to contend with) but things are far better than they were, and far better than I'd dared to hope for while sitting at the mechanic shop a week ago. 

It wasn't lost on me that my recurring 10 of Swords is about more than the shadow work I've been doing this month. It is that, definitely, but it is a rather holistic approach to life purging that is occurring here. In an intangible sense I'm sorting out the items in my proverbial closet, doing some spring cleaning, but in a very physical way (car, ahem) it's "out with the old!" While it certainly hasn't been comfortable, per se, there is something relieving about it all. It does feel like a paradigm shift is unfolding.

One of the tasks for the Shadow Work Challenge was to identify "the greatest lie you feed yourself." I pulled the Hanged Man reversed:

Haindl Tarot

I wrote the following about it:

"I am a faithful, accommodating, and very optimistic person, and I believe that our struggles are not for nought. At worst, we're always growing and learning. But I think that perhaps deep under the surface, in a part of my psyche where I seldom dwell, there is a fear that in fact there is no gold at the end of the rainbow, and that all the sacrifices I've had to make are not in fact leading me forward. That I'm stuck rather than waiting patiently. That no matter how positive I am, no matter how much light I see in the dark, it might just not be enough. But that is the great lie. It is enough; in some ways perhaps it's everything."

That was a powerful and somewhat strange idea to confront about myself - that in some part of my being I fear a dead end. But it was also liberating to release it, to name it as untrue. 

This evening I pulled a card from my Druid Plant Oracle asking where I need to focus as I work through this period of change and I drew: Heather.

Druid Plant Oracle

My notes:

"'Appreciate what you have' is such an old refrain that we often become desensitized to its essence. But when challenges arise you do have a choice: to cover your eyes and endlessly review your discomfort and pain, or to focus on the beauty and fortune you have all around you. It's not easy, you might fall off the bike a few times, but the effort is worth it. Just the effort, without any concern with reaching a goal. Be grateful for the good in your life, and draw strength and comfort from it when storm clouds loom (the good thing about clouds is that they always pass sooner or later, and while overhead the gift us with an opportunity to see things in a new light.)"

Perspective is everything, and while staying truly positive in a difficult time can certainly be easier said than done, it can indeed be done, with a little bit of grace, a dash of humor, and an open heart. (And a few cups of strong tea doesn't hurt!).

Be Ever Grateful

This morning I "pulled" the 8 of Bolers/Pentacles from my Buckland Romani Tarot app as my daily draw. I thought, "Ah, makes sense, I'll be slowly making my way through work today...." Mmhm. I got ready to go, my husband and I dropped our younger daughter at school, and we set off toward my workplace. As we were within a few blocks of our destination, the car suddenly shut down and refused to restart. It wasn't the battery; I knew it was something worse, I just didn't know what. We were at a dead halt in the middle of a very busy, very fast road, but fortunately a couple of friendly passersby helped Jorge to push the car into a nearby parking lot. I mused to him: "You know, you'd have thought I would have pulled the Tower or something, not the 8 of Pentacles. Seriously." We called for a tow, and while my husband sat waiting to be taken to a mechanic, I walked the rest of the way to work to meet my class.

Buckland Romani Tarot

Later my husband called me and said, "Not good news. The engine is useless, and they say that it doesn't make sense to repair it - we need a new car." Oh shit! This was the second part: "Since I have no way to get you, see if you can find a ride home." Yes. Over a year ago I was run into by a texting-while-driving sort, and our other car was totaled. We took that as a sign that it was the right time to downsize, to save money, to lower our carbon footprint. So we were a one-car family. And now we were suddenly, and without warning, a no-car family in a city with terrible public transportation, where having a car has become essential.

On my way back to my office after class I took a detour and saw that my director's office door was slightly open. I didn't know what I was going to say, but I decided to say hello. I had written an email to my colleagues asking for a ride home, and she'd just seen it. She said hi, and asked about my situation. I told her that it would probably impact my next day's teaching schedule, and asked for ideas about how to manage it. Suddenly she said, "You know what? Just take my car!" I called her "crazy" several times, and also thanked her a few times, and soon I was on my way home, in her little blue Nissan. On the way I stopped at the mechanic to pick up my husband. As he was paying for the inspection, I sat patiently in the waiting room. Suddenly I got the joke:

My view from the car repair shop waiting room

I was in a car repair shop. Just like the one on the 8 of Bolers card. You know, within reason, taking into account the cultural context and decade. I laughed. And then I took a picture. You have to appreciate the way the universe works, no matter how dire the circumstances, really.

So we were a bit stuck. We had a repair quote exceeding $7000, no car, a kid in school who would eventually require a ride home, and I had to teach again the next couple of days. I couldn't keep my boss's car forever. This was a true WTF moment, though a true gem was the moment when my husband actually handed me the estimate, and as I reached the final price I just started to laugh, and he laughed right along with me. Because what else is there to do? If someone hands you a repair quote that high for your only vehicle, that is just about all there is to be done about it.

As we drove home I said to Jorge, "You know, this really does suck a lot, but there are so many ways in which we are fortunate today. Gabriel wasn't in the car with us when it shut down in that busy zone. Those men helped to move the car to a safe place. We were only a few blocks from work, so I wasn't too late for class. My director handed me her keys, and now we can pick Lourdes up from school. The tow was covered by our insurance." The list later expanded to include the fact that our insurance company secured us a rental car on the same afternoon, allowing us to return the borrowed car. We went to a dealership (which normally I passionately hate - sales, in general. Not a fan) and the fellow that helped us was nice, very relaxed, very open and non-pushy. He even broke into song at one point. Instead of wanting to run away as fast as I could, I found myself wanting his business card! (This is a true rarity).

When our foray was over for the evening (we still have no car of our own, and have more insurance stuff to deal with tomorrow) we went home, finally. As we entered the house, a glorious aroma of garlic and spices wafted toward us. Our oldest daughter had prepared dinner: a trout chowder that she had found the recipe for online. It was really good.

I checked the mail. There was the Earthbound Oracle that I wasn't expecting until tomorrow, beautifully wrapped in tissue paper, with an art card, a sticker, and yes/no flipping coin on top:

Earthbound Oracle still boxed and wrapped

The point is: be ever grateful. Life throws some major twists and turns into our paths, and many of them are unexpected and unforeseen. We can't always change what happens to us, but we can always choose how we see the circumstances in which we find ourselves. In even the very difficult moments, there is light.