November Cards: Believe In Yourself

Admittedly a bit late, I've decided to pull some "cards of the month" for November. Rather than use assigned positions, I simply pulled a line of three from the Pagan Otherworlds Tarot, and an oracle card from the Dat Black Mermaid Man Lady deck.

Judgment - 6 of Cups - Chariot

Ole Caney Sharp - Divine Opportunity

I sat down with cards and coffee on my son's race car rug in the early hours of Saturday morning as he played superhero next to me with his trucks and an assortment of miscellaneous items. It was a nice way to start the weekend.

I understood the significance of this line almost immediately. Though my job focuses primarily on directing an English language program, I have recently been called to give presentations on cultural awareness. Language acquisition is a small aspect of the overall theme, but much of the "weightier" material delves into concepts of religious diversity, racism, and cultural labeling. This sort of work is a passion of mine. My undergraduate degree is in Cultural Anthropology, and most of my adult life has involved addressing injustice, increasing awareness of the beautiful fabric and texture of human existence, and preserving ancient legacies - language, traditions - before they are lost in an ever-expanding globalized society. I am one half of an interracial marriage, and my children straddle a number of cultural and racial divides that will likely bring them (in addition to many joys) frustrations from an outside world that struggles to place things (and people) in tidy (and utterly limiting) boxes. Throughout my life I have worked in various roles in places that include Pine Ridge Reservation in South Dakota, central city urban neighborhoods, immigrant communities, and the Basque Country, Spain. Honoring and understanding the breadth and depth of humankind, and facilitating that understanding in other people, is extraordinarily important to me. 

An initial invitation to give a presentation to administrators who support international students gave way to a second invitation to present on cultural awareness to a group of faculty members from two different departments, which then led to a third invitation to present to yet another department at the end of the month. Judgment is an interesting card because it both represents the elements of this work that feel like a true "calling" and it also touches on how hard I am on myself. After that first presentation I ruthlessly beat myself up about "what people might have thought," and "how much more clearly I should have explained [insert topic]." My husband was a bit shocked at what he dubbed my "self punishment." And he was right - that is exactly what I was doing to myself. Ultimately I received so much positive feedback that I came to understand that it "wasn't that bad" after all (!) which was both a relief and a blessing. When the day came to present for the second time, my daily draw was Judgement. I didn't think about it at the time, but later I realized that perhaps this was touching on something deeper than I was acknowledging. (And that session went very well!)

The 6 of Cups represents this connection to who I have always been, my essential self, that part of me that has remained unchanged since childhood. In doing this work I'm tapping into a voice that has a lot to say; a part of myself that has gathered experience and perspective over many years, and is primed for expression. The Chariot gathers all of that up and carries it forth into the world. It tells me that I have a lot to do, and so much more to develop and explore in this capacity. As I approach my third presentation, I've already started to consider how to expand into a "part two." There is so much that can be discussed in the broad arena of diversity and cross-cultural understanding, and in the current limit of two hours I can only scratch the surface. I see that there is a need for it, and a place, as well, and that will spur me onward in the coming months and year ahead. 

Ole Caney Sharp represents the energy of Elegua, my dear friend and road-opener. When I read the advice on the back of the card I had to laugh in appreciation. It says: 

Let your questions go

you ain't got to know.

You thinks too much

that's why you stuck.

Get on up

and fly.

I have spent a lot of time lately considering how much I over-think, over-worry, and thereby limit myself. This card is a pointed reminder that (as illustrated by my intense - and unfounded - self-criticism following my first presentation) I tend to clip my own wings, and that it's a good moment to let go of that bad habit and see where the winds take me.....

Pagan Otherworlds Tarot: A Review

This is the deck. As in, “the” deck – the one that hits all the right places, the one I can’t put down, the one with all the right feels, overflowing with soul.

My ideal deck would have:

• reversible backs
• little-to-no text on the card fronts
• not a single card I don’t really like
• been produced by an independent publisher
• the feel of a very useable work of art
• quality artwork
• an essence of timelessness 
• excellent card stock
• card images that are complete and balanced, but not overfull 
• at least slightly illustrated minors (enough for the intuition to dig into)
• art that clearly highlights traditional card meanings 
• that special “something” 

So, that said, the Pagan Otherworlds Tarot fulfills each and every item on this list. It’s a tall order, I know. But like I said, this is the one!

The down and dirty:

• 78 cards 
• 1 additional Major (the Seeker)
• 5 “Luna” cards (representing the moon cycle)
• Strength VIII, Justice XI
• Page, Knight, Queen, King
• reversible backs with a beautiful floral image
• high quality tuck box
• mainly RWS styling with some influence from Marseilles
• excellent stock with a linen finish
• company: Uusi
• creators: Linnea Gits and Peter Dunham

This deck arrived to my home wrapped in a foam sheath upon which a small sprig of cedar was attached. A cloth card bag featuring the company’s name (Uusi) was included along with the shipping invoice. Each deck features a different herb or plant – some people received their decks along with lavender, or sage, for example. It’s a beautiful touch.

The box itself features the same design as the card backs, and feels like it was produced by someone who really knows, and loves, cards. This is the case, of course. Aside from this deck, Uusi has created a number of playing card decks, a Tarot deck called the BRuT Tarot, and they are currently working on a third Tarot deck called Eros: The Garden of Love. (They do make a few other things, such as advent calendars and wooden knife racks!)

Small details like a custom paper stamp that seals the tuck box and small printed messages in the fold of the box top add to the exquisite experience of handling this creation for the first time.

When I pulled the cards out of their box I noticed immediately that they move effortlessly over one another – no stickiness, no slight catching that sometimes occurs with matte finishes. These cards were meant to be shuffled, and I even think that the process of shuffling was intended to be a part of the overall enormous pleasure of preparing to read with this deck. If you have it, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.

I have heard some people express concern that the numbered Minor Arcana may be “pips” however this is not really the case. Yes, each card shows the correct number of elemental items for the suit, and no, there are no people (for the most part). But if you look at each card you will find an abundance of scenic imagery that connect with traditional RWS meaning.

Take for instance the 4 of Swords. With three swords upright (blades downward) and a single sword perpendicular to them on the ground, it mirrors the RWS version which shows three swords hanging on a wall over a stone knight, with one sword horizontal along the tomb.

The 7 of Wands shows one upright rod with six others crossed in front of it. It certainly gives the impression of advocacy, standing for what you believe in, rising to meet a challenge.

The 4 of Wands shares an unmistakable connection to the traditional RWS version, with four rods standing upright and decorated with celebratory garlands.

Even the 3 of Wands features an ocean in the background with ships either coming or going.

The tree in the 8 of Pentacles exudes the idea of growth and development. In the 5 of Cups you’ll notice that the three central cups are upside down, while the two on either side are upright. The skull below calls to mind past regrets, and mourning.

All of the Court cards are stunning. I particularly love the Queens and the Knights. There is such elegant movement in the shape of the horses that the Knights ride. Here we also see the 6 of Swords showing a boat riding through water!

Just look at this Queen of Pentacles...

The Majors are sedately spectacular as well. The Hierophant is dressed in animal skins, and holds a stang in his right hand. He is the keeper of tradition, the village vitki.

The Chariot shows a warrior in a cart pulled by two energetic rams, one black, one white.

The Sun depicts a quite traditional child riding a white horse, a kindly celestial orb floating above.

This morning I pulled a card asking, “What energy should I honor today?” I pulled the Ace of Pentacles, inviting me to count the many blessings in my life.

One of those happens to be the Pagan Otherworlds Tarot, and I cannot recommend it highly enough.

Dreaming of a Tarot Card

Two nights ago I dreamt about the 5 of Cups from the Wild Unknown Tarot. In my dream I saw a white horse with its head lowered. We were alone in a large, slightly greyed space. I knew that it was sad, though its expression seemed benign. And I also knew that this was the horse from the 5 of Cups. I thought to myself, "I don't think the horse in that card had tears in its eyes." At that moment, my dream horse began to cry. I wrapped my arms around its neck and held it to my chest to comfort it.

The next day I decided to pull that card out of the deck - I haven't read with the Wild Unknown in a while, and wanted to refresh myself on the details of the 5 of Cups. As I was flipping through, I saw the Chariot, which gave me pause - it is also a white horse, and the only other horse in the entire deck. The Chariot also happens to be a "card of the moment" for me, and after having just blogged about it a couple of days ago, the symbolism was far from lost on me.

Let the dark mountain shake to the thunder 

Where the wild horses trample the fern,

Let the deep vales re-echo and wonder, 

When, like an eddy, they circle and turn! 

Watch the lithe motion 

Run free as an ocean,

Never has man laid a hand on a head: 

Never a halter 

Has bid a step falter,

Never a crest bent down to be led!

-M. Gilmore

A Nine of Swords Moment Brings Helpful Insight

Lately I have been sleeping very well, which has been wonderful. Six to nine months ago I went through a period where I'd often wake up in the middle of the night, my mind would start to whirr, those fears that are wont to well up in the darkest hours would rise, and it would take an hour - sometimes even two - before I could relax enough to fall back to sleep. I'm not sure what changed, what switch flipped, but I suddenly began to sleep solidly, peacefully, and fully each night.

And then last night I had a 9 of Swords moment! At 2:40am I awoke, and started to worry. I worried about my son grinding his teeth (a really annoying family trait). I worried about bills (even though they're all under control). As I laid there I felt a tickle on my nose and was sure a bug was crawling across my face, so I shot straight up in bed, flailing my arms, and knocked the charger cord out of my phone, which then fell rattling to the floor making a sound that I was sure was the bug running away (it wasn't). Seriously. This is so comical to me right now, but I was a hot mess at 3am.

Tarot De St. Croix

So I laid back down thoroughly irritated with myself, and proceeded to think. Whenever I have these moments of insomnia I always think about Odin's advice from the Havamal, that (to paraphrase) a fool stays awake worrying all night, wakes up exhausted and has resolved nothing. I wanted to pinpoint the source of my wakefulness. I manage our finances okay. Why was I worrying about bills? Perhaps it was the weight of them that felt like a burden. I may keep things organized, but is there something more I can do? Is there a way I can be even more proactive? What the heck was I really worrying about?

A few days ago my husband asked me to do "one of those big readings" that I do for him once or twice a year. After I pulled his cards I decided to do one for myself, and I was quite interested to see the 7 of Swords appear in the position of my "current awareness." The card, from the Tarot of the Cat People, shows a somewhat unusual image of a woman surrounded by swords, looking up at the sky where a fat cat floats in an ethereal bubble. If anything, it almost feels more like the 8 of Swords (except for the floating cat!). This is often considered a card of deception, politics, strategy, even diplomacy (which is certainly on my mind in light of all of the mediation I've been doing lately!). I wanted to spend some time considering what the card meant for me, and since the depiction was non-traditional I decided to read the artist's own impression from the little white book, which described this card as representing the will and fortitude to reach one's goals. Hm. Well, that is certainly true, I thought at the time. I have a lot of goals on my plate, and every day I feel more poised to work toward achieving them. It's definitely been on my mind a lot over the past month or so.

As I was laying in bed in the early hours of morning, surrounded by darkness, thinking of yesterday's "Deep Emotions" draw from the dat Black Mermaid Man Lady oracle deck, thinking of the 7 of Swords, thinking of this nebulous source of my strange worry session, it suddenly hit me: while I am determined to achieve my goals, on some level I am afraid that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I work, I will never realize them. Whoa. That was a sharp and weighty revelation.

Tarot of the Cat People

Feelings are strange things. They are not always forthright, do not always announce their presence. Feelings can be quiet, at times even imperceptible. They can subtly influence our thoughts and responses; they can disguise themselves within a multitude of contexts, blurring our ability to identify them, to recognize them for what and why they are. As open as I am to working through my own emotional universe, to understanding myself, to engaging the dark, the light, and everything in between, sometimes emotions lurk in shadows just beneath the surface of our awareness. You have to go hunting. It was hunting that I was doing in the pre-dawn darkness when I would have preferred to be sleeping. But the search at this odd flip-side of the day provided me with powerful insight into my own psyche.

Interestingly, the "outcome" card in the reading I had done for myself was the Ace of Pentacles. What intrigued me most about this duo was the story that they told together. In the Ace of Pentacles we see that the "fat cat of unrealized dreams and goals" that once floated in the sky above the woman in the 7 of Swords is now tangible and sits quite happily on the floor beside the lady in the Ace. Now, a glowing pentacle hovers where the cat once did. The "thoughts" of the swords suit become the earthy reality of the suit of pentacles. It is a positive symbol that suggests that despite my anxieties about my ability to accomplish my dreams, the efforts I put forth will not be in vain.

This morning I decided to pull a card from the dat Black Mermaid Man Lady oracle deck, and I pulled one of the "Dreamer" cards for the second time in two days. But this morning, rather than pulling a card with a keyword, I drew one that was blank on the back. This indicates that "you already know" what the message is. And indeed, I did know. I made space to pull a card for the #tarotperspective challenge on Instagram, and instead of simply pulling a daily draw, I decided to ask: "How can I address my own fear of failure?" As I was shuffling I saw in my mind's eye the Chariot card that had been the "shadow" card of yesterday's pull. I cut the deck, turned the top card over, and it was....the Chariot!

Tarot of the Cat People; Stone Tarot; Tarot of Vampyres

This is card that I've been pulling with relative frequency for the past year, and it has ushered me through some powerfully and very positively transformative times. For the Instagram post I wrote about the Vampyres version of the Chariot (which speaks to me most):

The warrior spirit is evident, the fearless pursuit of a goal. The arrow points true, finding its destination and locking on. Even in the darkness of night, with nothing but inner fury and the dim moonlight for guidance, this charioteer flies forth.

On my walk into the office this morning a shining penny stood out in my path. I always see these as little messages from Elegua. I pick them up, run some numerology on the year, and see what that sum means to me in that moment (it's amazing how often there is relevance). I paused and picked up the coin. I calculated the year, and found the sum to be 7. At first I frowned, slightly puzzled. And then it clicked: 7 is the number of the Chariot. And like a vast circle turning round and round and round on itself, the pieces all came together into a whole.

I will probably have sleepless nights again; this realization hardly cures me from concern. But what it has given me is a powerful tool of reflection. I don't float unmoored through time; I, as a human being on this earth, have context and history. When I forget that (which is easy to do at 3am); when I lose - even momentarily - perspective regarding my ability to breathe life into my goals for the future, I can call to mind the Chariot, which reminds me that I will, because I have.

A New Moon Reading

For day 13 of the October Shadow Work challenge, the wrangler, Mnomquah, tasked participants with a New Moon reading:

The positions (and the cards I drew for myself) are as follows:

1) The Light - what you know and accept about yourself: Chariot
2) The Shadow - what is hidden from you about yourself: 10 of Swords
3) Why you fear your Shadow - what is preventing you from seeing or accepting your Shadow: Strength
4) Why you should embrace your Shadow - what are the positive sides of the Shadow that would benefit you? 7 of Swords reversed
5) How to integrate the Shadow into the Light - what steps you should take in order to accept your Shadow: 5 of Swords reversed
6) The Outcome - the possibilities if you succeed in bringing the Shadow into the Light: Sun and Judgement

Tarot of Vampyres

I have two cards for #6 because I had a "jumper" as I was thinking about that card position. So I've placed both the jumper and the additional card that I selected for that position, as partners.

As I pulled the cards the story that unfolded before me became more and more clear. I said in a previous post that each day of this challenge seems to offer a bit more detail that slowly helps me understand the bigger picture. It continues to be true here.

The fact that my shadow is represented by the 10 of Swords is very fitting. This is the card I pulled as representative of my month of October, and for this entire month I'm working each day with my shadow.

Tarot of Vampyres

I've already identified that part of this shadow work relates to reclaiming my personal power, and also that a predominant emotion that has emerged for me is sadness. When I saw the combination of the Chariot (as my light) and the 10 of Swords, I felt a very familiar sensation: that of powering past pain. The figure on the Chariot is aggressive and determined; nothing will stop him from achieving his goals. In the 10 of Swords I see (and feel) pain. This vampire woman has been knifed right in the solar plexus and lies agonizingly across a four-poster bed. It's interesting because this is often a card of being "stabbed in the back" and yet the source of my own pain often centers in the solar plexus. These cards represent two aspects of myself: the part that has experienced sharp, deep pain, and the part that insists on riding past it as swiftly as possible, hurrying away from the suffering as fast as my beast will take me; refusing to spend any more time in that dark space than is absolutely necessary. I will myself to move on because I can't bear the idea of lingering.

I've always been a very happy person. I am a peacemaker. I seek to understand and honor others. I tend to see the best in people. I am more trusting than suspicious. I want to heal others and make them happy. Joy is part of my essential nature, a core foundation of my soul. Throughout my life, from the time I was a very small child, I've had a visceral opposition to negativity, but most particularly to feelings of sadness or despair. Over a year ago I wrote a blog post for the Litha Blog Hop called "Joy and Shadows" in which I discuss how difficult it has always been for me to process sadness.

But as you grow up, you do experience pain, and some of it can feel unbearable at times. My instinct is to power past it. To distract myself through the worst of it, and to move on as quickly as possible, most especially when I feel betrayed and shamed. My desire has always been to let the difficult memories fade with time until they become nought but occasional and brief recollections of another era.

So the Chariot, my aware-self, streams past the shadow-pain of the 10 of Swords, using its pure Will to force the grief undercover.

Tarot of Vampyres

Card 3 represents what prevents me from seeing or accepting my shadow, and I pulled Strength. At first look this might seem strange: how would embodying strength, compassion, or resilience keep me from dealing with pain? And on one hand there is something to be said for the consequences of my desire to smooth things over, to bend over backwards being compassionate to the people who have hurt me, trying to understand others to the point of undervaluing my own experience. There is something potent there. But there is also another side: the Chariot, my light, is about hard control - using force and determination to get what is desired. It is externally oriented, it's about what you (and others) can see. Strength is about soft control, and it's internally oriented. In Strength, the black panther symbolizes this woman's fierce inner power, fully integrated. What that means to me is that by avoiding pain, I'm avoiding the opportunity become fully integrated with my own divine power. And that has been a major element in my shadow work.

The 7 of Swords reversed speaks to why I should embrace my shadow - the positive aspects that my shadow might afford me. This says that confronting, sitting with, accepting, working with (instead of against) my shadow is the ultimate act of honesty with myself, of reclaiming my power. It allows me to see who and what I am, to realize that I'm truly capable of making the changes that I want to see, of embodying the fiery qualities that I know I possess in my soul.

Position 5 deals with how I might integrate the shadow into the light, and I pulled the 5 of Swords reversed:

Tarot of Vampyres

I often think of this as the "bully card." What I really like about the imagery here is that in its inverted position (which is how it appeared) the prostrate girl changes positions with the demon. Upright the demon hovers over the young lady like a dark cloud, but reversed, she returns to the light. Symbolically this shows a turning of tides, a reversal of the difficult qualities of this card where the victim becomes the victor. This card suggests letting bygones be bygones, however in order to do that I need to give myself time and space to review my past. If I don't become fully aware of what I'm avoiding, it will follow me like... a shadow!.... right on into the future. The time is here to let go: have I truly forgiven my trespassers? What does it mean to "forgive and forget?" Can I forgive without forgetting, and if so, how do I keep the memory of difficult situations in my psyche without being drawn back into that pain? What does true forgiveness even look like? What shame or embarrassment still lingers in the background and how is it impacting me? How can I break free?

If I succeed in my efforts to integrate my shadow with the light, I have both Judgement and the Sun waiting for me:

Tarot of Vampyres

The Sun bounced happily out from the deck, and was interesting for two reasons: 1) according to my birth cards, the Sun is my shadow, in which case this shows that I will have literally reclaimed it, and 2) the card itself shows the essence of light and dark intertwined into a harmonious union. I decided to make a mental note of the Sun's presence, and I put it back into the deck to complete shuffling. When I finally pulled all of the cards, I was again quite impressed to see Judgement in this position #6. This is the card that represented yesterday's topic of "What I can't accept about myself." So again, this drives home the immense, powerful, and touching energies that I'm working with, and that with effort I can indeed achieve this. I decided, for curiosity's sake, to see what card was hiding behind Judgement, and lo and behold, it was none other than the Sun.

I have a lot more to say, far more to consider, and over time I'll do just that. But for now, it's tea time.

Uniting Poles: Dragon, Cat and Sow

This year has been one of many changes, some of which I mentioned in my Samhain spread blog post. I sense the transition happening subtly (although sometimes it is very apparent, and gives me little surprises), under the surface, like an underground river flowing. In recent readings, the Lovers, Chariot and 2 of Cups have come up quite a bit for me.  What these cards all have in common is a sense of union between two aspects, or elements.  The Lovers and 2 of Cups relate to harmonizing those contrasting elements, while the Chariot is about harnessing that energy and bringing it forth into the world to achieve goals, and make things happen.  I've been sitting with those cards, pondering what those meanings might signify for me, and the truth is that that meaning has felt somewhat veiled, a little hazy and hard to put my finger on.

Last night I decided to forgo the Tarot and pull out my Druid Animal Oracle deck which I haven't worked with in a while.  I felt the desire to access the energy and wisdom of animals.  So I shuffled and cut, and laid out three cards: Air Dragon, Cat, and Sow.

Druid Animal Oracle
P. and S. Carr-Gomm/Will Worthington
Touchstone 1995

When I saw the Air Dragon I thought that was interesting, because I've never pulled that before, and lately I've been getting a lot of Swords (particularly the King and Queen) which are air cards.  While the Tarot swords are about intellect and decision-making, the Air Dragon is about spiritual journeying and spirit communication and, very interestingly, visitation.  It's interesting because this Dragon is also about flashes of insight, those lightening bolts that change the way you understand the world and the possibilities before you.  This reminds me of the Blasted Oak (from Wildwood Tarot) which has also been a significant card for me lately, because it also incorporates the idea of the sudden flash of insight that sparks significant change.  And the Blasted Oak/Tower has been meaningful for me in terms of my spiritual journey, so there were some synchronicities there.  

The Sow is a nurturing card.  The Sow is about connecting to the abundance of nature, the physical aspects of our nature as living beings.  The image shows a sow herding her group of piglets (is that what baby wild pigs are called??). The ground is strewn with morsels of food, and the background is lush with ripe wheat and vegetation.  As it relates to sensuality and fertility as well, this is like the Empress card in animal form. Very earthy and loving.

Finally, the center card was Cat.  Cat is considered to be an animal that connects to the spirit realm, and can see and communicate with both sides of the veil that separates the worlds. So it has one foot in this world, and one in the other. Another interesting element of the cat is its observation skills - it will sit and listen and watch quietly, only making its move when it's sure everything has come together in the right way. This also reminds me of the Wildwood Tarot Page of Stones (Lynx, which is also a wild cat). All of these meanings hold significance for me, and in fact the Page of Stones/Pentacles has also come up a lot lately in my personal readings.  I do feel I'm exploring a new wave of life, taking time to observe and learn about the best way to move forward in the material world with spiritual matters.

So after spending some time pondering this series of cards, I suddenly realized that it makes perfect sense! On the left the Air Dragon represents new insights and spiritual journeys, while on the right side the Sow represents our physical connection to nature and sensuality. The Cat is the bridge, the unifier, of both of these opposites.  And when I realized that, suddenly the Lovers and 2 of Cups and even the Chariot, made sense.  

When I was young I was very involved in spirituality and had a lot of meaningful experiences that have impacted me indelibly.  But as a child, spiritual experiences are ungrounded - in many ways you can't really live your spirituality in a balanced way until you learn how to live in the world.  And that's precisely what I did.  I had my first child, finished my college degree, got married, spent many years involved in developing a career, had two more kids (and few things are more grounding than having and raising babies!), completed my graduate degree. I distanced myself from more intentional spiritual practices, and really immersed myself in Life.  Six or seven years later (ending with this current year) I experienced a series of events that have led me back to spiritual practice and a renewal of my path, which has been wonderful and very much like "coming home." So I've gone through two major phases of life - one very airy/watery, and one very earthy - and now this year I'm learning how to integrate them so that both are equally important and balanced parts of my life, and who I am.  And that newly established and building inner-balance is impacting how I move forward in the world, and where my path is leading me.