Be Your Own Warrior (Not Worrier)

It has taken me a long time to recognize that I am a worrier. I've always been very laid back, flexible, calm, relaxed. Those aren't characteristics that I tend to associate with neurosis! And yet under the surface I would indeed be very anxious - always analyzing (and over-analyzing) conversations and events, worrying about people and responsibilities. During the day it was relatively easy to push it all back in the shadows, but it would inevitably rear its head in the darkest hours of the night. I would wake up at 2am and instead of turning over and falling back to sleep, I would wrap myself in a blanket of all of those fears. In most cases I was blowing things far out of proportion; during the day my rational mind helped mitigate the anxiety, but at night that balance disappeared, and reality felt as dark as the sky. I would lay awake for hours until close to dawn when it felt safe to sleep again.

This is a perfect description of the 9 of Swords.

Golden Tarot - Kat Black

For nearly a year I've held a stanza of the Hávamál like a mantra in my mind:

Jackson Crawford translation

This is extremely sensible, of course, and yet I was having a hard time putting it into practice. I know it's useless to lie awake worrying about concerns both real and imagined, only to have to trudge through the next day exhausted from lack of sleep, the same concerns yet to be solved. Isn't it easier to approach challenges with a clear, rested mind?

A while ago I decided to pull a couple of cards for myself about how to help myself and drew the 7 of Wands as the source, and the reversed waxing crescent as the solution.

Pagan Otherworlds Tarot - Uusi

The 7 of Wands made a lot of sense to me: it evokes a feeling of "me against the world." While I always manage to sort things out and stay on top of it all, I was tending to focus on the dread associated with the need to solve various matters, rather than trusting myself. I felt like I was giving my power away. The Luna card was an interesting and yet very fitting response. Upright this would be a waxing crescent, but reversed it becomes a waning moon. What this told me was that as my fears began to grow, I needed to let them go. This seemed like obvious advice, and I still didn't know if I would be able to implement it. Just "let it go"? Is it really that easy, though?

The funny thing is that I found that it was. That same night I woke up in the early hours. My body was drowsy, and I knew that this was the magical point at which I could either allow my worries to take over, or I could go back to sleep. I wanted to go back to sleep. With some amount of irritation, I thought something along the lines of: "Not now, worry, not tonight." And I turned over and went back to sleep. Yes, just like that. I refused to permit my irrational fears to ruin my rest. I banished them. And every other time since then that I've awoken in the middle of the night and found myself in similar circumstances, I've just said, "Nope," and have settled back into sleep.

Last night I decided to make space to write my first "Post It Note Poem" (this is something happening on Instagram) as I was sipping hot tea, nestled into the couch to watch the nightly news. I actually produced quite a few poems, but this is the one that struck me most:

I didn't intend to describe those late night fear sessions, but I did. The funny thing is, the 7 of Wands was both the source of my worry, and part of the solution. In order to release those fears I had to take my power back and become an advocate for my own well-being. I am in the dark, and there are no stars, no light to ease my mind. There is only me. So it is my responsibility to be my own warrior.

A Nine of Swords Moment Brings Helpful Insight

Lately I have been sleeping very well, which has been wonderful. Six to nine months ago I went through a period where I'd often wake up in the middle of the night, my mind would start to whirr, those fears that are wont to well up in the darkest hours would rise, and it would take an hour - sometimes even two - before I could relax enough to fall back to sleep. I'm not sure what changed, what switch flipped, but I suddenly began to sleep solidly, peacefully, and fully each night.

And then last night I had a 9 of Swords moment! At 2:40am I awoke, and started to worry. I worried about my son grinding his teeth (a really annoying family trait). I worried about bills (even though they're all under control). As I laid there I felt a tickle on my nose and was sure a bug was crawling across my face, so I shot straight up in bed, flailing my arms, and knocked the charger cord out of my phone, which then fell rattling to the floor making a sound that I was sure was the bug running away (it wasn't). Seriously. This is so comical to me right now, but I was a hot mess at 3am.

Tarot De St. Croix

So I laid back down thoroughly irritated with myself, and proceeded to think. Whenever I have these moments of insomnia I always think about Odin's advice from the Havamal, that (to paraphrase) a fool stays awake worrying all night, wakes up exhausted and has resolved nothing. I wanted to pinpoint the source of my wakefulness. I manage our finances okay. Why was I worrying about bills? Perhaps it was the weight of them that felt like a burden. I may keep things organized, but is there something more I can do? Is there a way I can be even more proactive? What the heck was I really worrying about?

A few days ago my husband asked me to do "one of those big readings" that I do for him once or twice a year. After I pulled his cards I decided to do one for myself, and I was quite interested to see the 7 of Swords appear in the position of my "current awareness." The card, from the Tarot of the Cat People, shows a somewhat unusual image of a woman surrounded by swords, looking up at the sky where a fat cat floats in an ethereal bubble. If anything, it almost feels more like the 8 of Swords (except for the floating cat!). This is often considered a card of deception, politics, strategy, even diplomacy (which is certainly on my mind in light of all of the mediation I've been doing lately!). I wanted to spend some time considering what the card meant for me, and since the depiction was non-traditional I decided to read the artist's own impression from the little white book, which described this card as representing the will and fortitude to reach one's goals. Hm. Well, that is certainly true, I thought at the time. I have a lot of goals on my plate, and every day I feel more poised to work toward achieving them. It's definitely been on my mind a lot over the past month or so.

As I was laying in bed in the early hours of morning, surrounded by darkness, thinking of yesterday's "Deep Emotions" draw from the dat Black Mermaid Man Lady oracle deck, thinking of the 7 of Swords, thinking of this nebulous source of my strange worry session, it suddenly hit me: while I am determined to achieve my goals, on some level I am afraid that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I work, I will never realize them. Whoa. That was a sharp and weighty revelation.

Tarot of the Cat People

Feelings are strange things. They are not always forthright, do not always announce their presence. Feelings can be quiet, at times even imperceptible. They can subtly influence our thoughts and responses; they can disguise themselves within a multitude of contexts, blurring our ability to identify them, to recognize them for what and why they are. As open as I am to working through my own emotional universe, to understanding myself, to engaging the dark, the light, and everything in between, sometimes emotions lurk in shadows just beneath the surface of our awareness. You have to go hunting. It was hunting that I was doing in the pre-dawn darkness when I would have preferred to be sleeping. But the search at this odd flip-side of the day provided me with powerful insight into my own psyche.

Interestingly, the "outcome" card in the reading I had done for myself was the Ace of Pentacles. What intrigued me most about this duo was the story that they told together. In the Ace of Pentacles we see that the "fat cat of unrealized dreams and goals" that once floated in the sky above the woman in the 7 of Swords is now tangible and sits quite happily on the floor beside the lady in the Ace. Now, a glowing pentacle hovers where the cat once did. The "thoughts" of the swords suit become the earthy reality of the suit of pentacles. It is a positive symbol that suggests that despite my anxieties about my ability to accomplish my dreams, the efforts I put forth will not be in vain.

This morning I decided to pull a card from the dat Black Mermaid Man Lady oracle deck, and I pulled one of the "Dreamer" cards for the second time in two days. But this morning, rather than pulling a card with a keyword, I drew one that was blank on the back. This indicates that "you already know" what the message is. And indeed, I did know. I made space to pull a card for the #tarotperspective challenge on Instagram, and instead of simply pulling a daily draw, I decided to ask: "How can I address my own fear of failure?" As I was shuffling I saw in my mind's eye the Chariot card that had been the "shadow" card of yesterday's pull. I cut the deck, turned the top card over, and it was....the Chariot!

Tarot of the Cat People; Stone Tarot; Tarot of Vampyres

This is card that I've been pulling with relative frequency for the past year, and it has ushered me through some powerfully and very positively transformative times. For the Instagram post I wrote about the Vampyres version of the Chariot (which speaks to me most):

The warrior spirit is evident, the fearless pursuit of a goal. The arrow points true, finding its destination and locking on. Even in the darkness of night, with nothing but inner fury and the dim moonlight for guidance, this charioteer flies forth.

On my walk into the office this morning a shining penny stood out in my path. I always see these as little messages from Elegua. I pick them up, run some numerology on the year, and see what that sum means to me in that moment (it's amazing how often there is relevance). I paused and picked up the coin. I calculated the year, and found the sum to be 7. At first I frowned, slightly puzzled. And then it clicked: 7 is the number of the Chariot. And like a vast circle turning round and round and round on itself, the pieces all came together into a whole.

I will probably have sleepless nights again; this realization hardly cures me from concern. But what it has given me is a powerful tool of reflection. I don't float unmoored through time; I, as a human being on this earth, have context and history. When I forget that (which is easy to do at 3am); when I lose - even momentarily - perspective regarding my ability to breathe life into my goals for the future, I can call to mind the Chariot, which reminds me that I will, because I have.

Shadow Work October: Overcoming My Fear

I've really been enjoying the Shadow Work October challenge. It's based on Instagram and initially I imagined that I'd use my blog primarily to share my various tasks, yet I've surprised myself and am in fact using Instagram! What I really appreciate about that forum is the opportunity to experience the thoughts and work being done by others participating in the same challenge. However from time to time I want to share some of the tasks and results here, so today I will briefly discuss the challenges from days three and four:

On day three our task was to pull a card to describe our greatest fear. I pulled: 5 of Stones.

Wildwood Tarot

On Instagram I wrote the following about this:

"This is apt! I often say that a solid economic security is the only thing missing from my life. I have amazing children, a loving husband, and I enjoy the work that I do. But if anything nags at me it's the worry that stems from always having to be meticulously mindful of my resources."

An additional thought: several months ago I did a "bridge" reading to identify where I was at the moment, where I was headed, and how I was going to get there (aka the "bridge"). In that reading my bridge was the 5 of Stones, which both made a lot of sense, and also served as a comfort (yes, this is your indeed your path!). It is nice to see it appear here, again, and to have the chance to consider that past reading and the encouragement it gave me.

On day four (today) the task was to pull a card that represents how best to conquer our fear, and I pulled: 9 of Swords.

Stone Tarot

My thoughts: "The best way to approach and overcome my fear is through reflection and attention. Naming and knowing fears helps to diminish their power over us, and helps us find solutions for them."

Often times we want to run from fears, push them down below the surface, distract ourselves from them. But fears can also be our greatest teachers. Hiding from them allows them to grow out of proportion to what is real, and our fear of fear provides sustenance for them. Addressing our fears reduces their influence over our hearts and minds, and can be a rich source of self-empowerment.

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance." -FDR

9 of Swords: In the Dark of Night

I was sifting through cards from the Tarot De St. Croix the other morning, enjoying the rich colors and the interesting combinations of depictions Lisa De St. Croix features in her paintings: Native American, Hindu, Muslim, Christian, and Buddhist influences along with contemporary images such as a treasure troll, or women playing a board game while sipping tea. I've used this deck many times, but there are always little details to be discovered, even in well-loved and long-utilized decks.  I had such a moment when I came across the 9 of Swords.

Tarot De St. Croix - Lisa De St. Croix

At first glance it appears to be a rather traditional representation of the card energy, with a woman in bed in the dark of night, with nine swords stacked above her. On closer inspection it becomes clear that Lisa De St. Croix has done something extremely clever...

It appears that there is another stack of swords on the adjacent wall. But then it also looks like Venetian blinds over a window. And as I started to focus on the blinds, they became quite obviously blinds, as opposed to swords, almost like an optical illusion.... and then I realized that the swords on the wall over the woman were in fact reflections of the moonlight through the window shade, and due to the gaps in the blinds, the reflection takes on the appearance of swords. That is very interesting in and of itself. But then I realized that the nine swords on the wall combined with the nine created from the gaps in the blinds equals 18, which correlates to the Moon in the Major Arcana. The 9 of Swords speaks of fears, anxieties, and even at times of depression, which has a great partner in the Moon. In this image the woman's fears have been blown far out of proportion due to the lunar reflection on her window covering (it has literally doubled the swords in her room!). She can't sleep, or tear her eyes away from her worries, but the butterfly on her blanket reassures her that as the dawn breaks, her anxieties will ease.

Of course these new-to-me symbolic discoveries were all part of Lisa's brilliant plan, and having just realized the eloquence in her painting, I'm left feeling...quite....happy! (ironic, isn't it??)