Be Your Own Warrior (Not Worrier)

It has taken me a long time to recognize that I am a worrier. I've always been very laid back, flexible, calm, relaxed. Those aren't characteristics that I tend to associate with neurosis! And yet under the surface I would indeed be very anxious - always analyzing (and over-analyzing) conversations and events, worrying about people and responsibilities. During the day it was relatively easy to push it all back in the shadows, but it would inevitably rear its head in the darkest hours of the night. I would wake up at 2am and instead of turning over and falling back to sleep, I would wrap myself in a blanket of all of those fears. In most cases I was blowing things far out of proportion; during the day my rational mind helped mitigate the anxiety, but at night that balance disappeared, and reality felt as dark as the sky. I would lay awake for hours until close to dawn when it felt safe to sleep again.

This is a perfect description of the 9 of Swords.

Golden Tarot - Kat Black

For nearly a year I've held a stanza of the Hávamál like a mantra in my mind:

Jackson Crawford translation

This is extremely sensible, of course, and yet I was having a hard time putting it into practice. I know it's useless to lie awake worrying about concerns both real and imagined, only to have to trudge through the next day exhausted from lack of sleep, the same concerns yet to be solved. Isn't it easier to approach challenges with a clear, rested mind?

A while ago I decided to pull a couple of cards for myself about how to help myself and drew the 7 of Wands as the source, and the reversed waxing crescent as the solution.

Pagan Otherworlds Tarot - Uusi

The 7 of Wands made a lot of sense to me: it evokes a feeling of "me against the world." While I always manage to sort things out and stay on top of it all, I was tending to focus on the dread associated with the need to solve various matters, rather than trusting myself. I felt like I was giving my power away. The Luna card was an interesting and yet very fitting response. Upright this would be a waxing crescent, but reversed it becomes a waning moon. What this told me was that as my fears began to grow, I needed to let them go. This seemed like obvious advice, and I still didn't know if I would be able to implement it. Just "let it go"? Is it really that easy, though?

The funny thing is that I found that it was. That same night I woke up in the early hours. My body was drowsy, and I knew that this was the magical point at which I could either allow my worries to take over, or I could go back to sleep. I wanted to go back to sleep. With some amount of irritation, I thought something along the lines of: "Not now, worry, not tonight." And I turned over and went back to sleep. Yes, just like that. I refused to permit my irrational fears to ruin my rest. I banished them. And every other time since then that I've awoken in the middle of the night and found myself in similar circumstances, I've just said, "Nope," and have settled back into sleep.

Last night I decided to make space to write my first "Post It Note Poem" (this is something happening on Instagram) as I was sipping hot tea, nestled into the couch to watch the nightly news. I actually produced quite a few poems, but this is the one that struck me most:

I didn't intend to describe those late night fear sessions, but I did. The funny thing is, the 7 of Wands was both the source of my worry, and part of the solution. In order to release those fears I had to take my power back and become an advocate for my own well-being. I am in the dark, and there are no stars, no light to ease my mind. There is only me. So it is my responsibility to be my own warrior.

Captain of My Ship

I was too busy last week to pull my normal "draw for the week ahead" and I even managed to forego my Monday-draw for my Facebook page. Finally yesterday afternoon I settled down to pull a "where I'm at, and what to do about it" reading. Rather than looking at the week ahead I decided to simply do a check-in for myself. Later I realized that it was not only the evening of the full moon, but it was the full moon-eclipse-bloodmoon-in-Aries. Wow! That is quite the lunar action! So not only did my reading make sense for me, it took on even greater meaning once I learned about the moon activity taking place on that very same day.

I pulled the following line of three cards: 10 of Swords, 7 of Wands reversed, Emperor

Prisma Visions Tarot/J. Eads

Often when I look at a line such as this, I read it almost like Lenormand. The first card highlights the matter at hand, the middle card illuminates an important element in regard to the matter (how I feel about it, an effect or impact, etc.) and the third card is a result or conclusion, sort of a "what to do or be aware of next." There is some flexibility to the interpretation, but in a general sense this is what I do.

Here I have the 10 of Swords as the "matter at hand," which is interesting because I pulled this card as representative of my month of October about a week ago. It's quite true in terms of the general state of things in my environment. I'm exhausted - feeling rather overworked and stressed out by my job. In some ways it's a good thing, and I always appreciate a challenge. But there are a lot of unknowns at play at the moment that have had me questioning the point of all that I'm doing. So in a physical sense, the aspects of this card that speak to exhaustion and even back pain are right on the money. In another sense I do also feel that I'm in a phase that's closing out to make way for some new thing that I can't yet see. What I like about the 10 of Swords is the aspect of closing out the old, putting matters to rest, scraping away the ineffective in order to make way for healthy growth. And in some not-so-literal ways, I feel some of that unfolding.

The 7 of Wands appeared reversed, which does make sense, because when I feel overwhelmed it's like having my flame muted or dimmed. Rather than simply meeting challenges head-on and knowing I can handle them, I have moments where I want to hide in a quiet place by myself and take a break from the world; moments when I am not so confident that I can handle change in the way that I want to do. What the 7 of Wands encourages me to do is to remember that I can do it, always. That my "down" moments are brief and fleeting, and that all of this is reminiscent of something like the discomforts of labor - difficult, painful, draining, but ultimately leading to something important and good. In the image on this card a person is alone, leaping from stump to stump out over a lakeshore. The sky is alight with color and movement. I've done this before. I've faced difficult situations and I've navigated them not without anxiety, but with grace and ability nonetheless. By remembering what I've done in the past I can fortify myself for the present and future.

The Emperor made me smile when I saw him. I've pulled this card several times of late, which is a nice complement to the Empress that has been following me as well. The Emperor reminds me that I have the power and strength to be the captain of my ship. He is the great architect, creating and organizing the structure of the surrounding world such that order is established and progress can be made. I find immense comfort and encouragement in that energy. Above all the Emperor is connected to Aries, and I was born with the moon in Aries, which is where it is currently located during this super-full-blood-moon eclipse. Aries underscores boldness, power, and forceful-yet-controlled action. If I was looking for extra strength to get me through this time of transition, I couldn't have asked for a better card. So, taking the Emperor into my heart and soul over the next few weeks, I'll focus on this:

"To be like the fiery ram, captain of my ship."

7 of Wands: I Got This

I had a pretty good day yesterday, but by late evening was feeling a bit oppressed, and fell quite happily asleep once the time came to get some shut-eye. One of the first things I did this morning was to pull out my new Light and Shadow Tarot, swish the cards around, and pick one for my day. Well, I didn't actually have the opportunity to select a card, as one flipped over in my face during the swishing process! It was just the right focus card - the Universe doesn't mess around:

Light and Shadow Tarot

The 7 of Wands is a card of fortitude and the ability to rise above challenges. This is the ultimate "I got this" card. In this image we can see a man fending off six wands reaching up to him from below. I love the expression on his face - a slight smile, the confident stance, the protective positioning of his own wand. It reminds me of one of those exciting scenes from a martial arts movie when our hero delicately and self-assuredly fends off dozens of foes, making it look much more like elegant choreography than a battle. When you know who you are, what you stand for, and what you're capable of, you can move mountains. 

This card reminds me that I, too, can dance through the obstacles in my way, as long as I believe in myself (and find the right music!).

November's Forecast

Several months ago I started to do monthly Tarot forecasts for each upcoming month, and so far I've been enjoying doing them.  The only downside is when I see what will potentially be an upcoming challenge, and have no way of knowing exactly what it will be or how it will ultimately impact me. That's what happened in November, and has left me wondering if I'd rather just not know what's coming - at least that way I won't spend my time anticipating something I can't necessarily change!

This was my November reading. The Queen of Swords was the summary card, and the following four cards represent each week of the month, in terms of major energies:

Spread with Deviant Moon Tarot (Patrick Valenza/US Games)

In case you can't see them clearly, week 1 was the King of Swords, week 2 the 4 of Swords, week 3 the 7 of Wands reversed, and week 4 is the Page of Wands.  Whew, so happy week three is over!!!!!

So how did I fare?  I blogged about the King and the 4 of Swords, so I'll leave them out - they were very fitting for their respective weeks. Week three nearly killed me. Wands often relate to career, and I can say that it was probably the worst week I've ever had at work.  Another fitting card for this week would have been the Page of Swords reversed.  Things are finally looking up, but this past week was full of gossip, emergency meetings, and a lot of drama that ended with one person deciding to quit.  Not at all fun, but fortunately the worst is over. I definitely did have some moments where I felt like I was that girl running anxiously through a dark wood, wondering what scary things were going to jump out all of a sudden from the abyss.  So back to my original point - do I really want to know that a week is going to be miserable, when there is little I can do to change it?  I think that probably I could use it to my advantage.  There's a saying "forewarned is forearmed." Even not knowing what form that challenge could take, it's still possible to do what is possible to prepare oneself. For instance, I could have made sure to get better sleep. Knowing that "something" difficult might arise might have caused me to be more aware of subtleties in the workplace so that it would not have been as great a surprise in the end.  All the same, I'll be honest - sometimes I just don't want to know what's around the bend!

To conclude I will say that the Queen has had my back all month long. It's been a Swordsy month for me, but mostly in positive ways. I don't tend toward the Swords temperament, but it has a lot of offer, and I've enjoyed the challenge of working on separating feelings from logic; it's helped me see more clearly, and think more effectively about how to approach a wide variety of things these past few weeks. Now I still have a week left… and the Page of Wands is looking pretty good right now. I'll welcome it with open arms!

The Devil and the "Lost" Girl

Two nights ago I was working with my cards when my girls were getting ready for bed, and I had them pick a card for their day ahead.  They were excited about it. I asked them to tell me what they saw in their cards, and then helped them to interpret it, as necessary.  Mostly we focused on what the pictures meant for them, though I also did bring in the traditional meanings for Isa since she’s in middle school and there is a bit more going on in her world.

Deviant Moon Tarot
Patrick Valenza/US Games 2008

Lourdes picked the Devil from the Deviant Moon, and I just had to laugh.  It was clearly *her* grinning impishly, prancing away from a trick she just played on someone. She’s really our little devil, in the most loving way possible.  She even has a little cackle she uses when she’s brewing up some fun trap for her older sister.  In that way she reminds me a lot of myself when I was young – I used to play jokes on my own older sister all the time, some comical, others perhaps a bit less fun (for her, anyway!).  So I loved that she was not at all put off by this potentially scary image – she thought it was hilarious, and very fitting for her.  Yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and caught a glimpse of her doing the “Devil prance” in the other room.  I think she liked the Devil card a little TOO much, haha…

Isabella picked the 7 of Wands, which features a girl running along a path in a wood at night.  She seems anxious and has her hands up as if in defense.  There’s almost a feeling that she’s lost in a forest, except that she’s moving onward on a clear, bright path that keeps her from truly losing her way.  The traditional meaning relates to having to defend your position, stand firm in your ideas, and know that, even though at times there may be a lot of obstacles in the path ahead, with effort and determination comes success.

Deviant Moon Tarot - 7 of Wands
Patrick Valenza, US Games 2008

So I told Isa that one of her teachers may ask her an unexpected question that would put her on the spot, but that she’d probably find herself able to answer the question when all was said and done.  She said, “Good to know!” and went to bed.

Yesterday afternoon when she got home from school she was so excited to tell me that in science class her instructor had suddenly picked on her randomly to explain the benefits of “green” energy to the rest of the class.  She was nervous and surprised, but gathered her thoughts and gave the best answer she could.  When she finished, her teacher said, “That was a great reply – almost textbook!”  So she was relieved and also very pleased that she was able to perform well under pressure.  Above all, she was excited that her card draw from the evening before had been so relevant to her day.  It made me smile, too ☺

The Tarot Told Me So

I do casual readings often, for myself or for my loved ones, on many evenings during my "down time." The other night I decided to do a short reading on whether or not I could look forward to a promotion in my "day job" any time soon.  To give some back story, I have a great teaching position, the work is interesting, I enjoy helping my students improve their language proficiency, and I enjoy being involved in the wider campus community working on events or collaborating with other departments.  My department manager has given me great reviews, and has told me that she'd love to be able to give me a more senior position at some point... the thing is, "some point" is pretty vague.  I know that the economy isn't great, and last year the school placed a temporary hold on new hires for that reason. In addition, the recent government shut-down meant that a lot of students didn't have access to their financial aid, and the number of newly enrolled students for last semester decreased dramatically.  So I haven't been overly optimistic about the possibility of "movin' on up," despite the energy I'm investing, and the projects I'm involved with.  Nevertheless...why not take a look and see what the cards have to say?

I used my Halloween deck (Karin Lee, Kipling West; U.S. Games), and this is what I received:

The summary of the message: "Yeahhhhhhhhhh.....no.  Ain't gonna happen, sorry!"

The 7 of Imps acknowledges that I've been putting in a lot of effort to improve my department, expand and develop projects, get involved cross-departmentally, etc.  I also get the sense from this card of my colleagues all standing in a line, trudging along.  I'm going with them, fumbling our way towards some imprecise goal (the house in the distance).  But I'm trying to go beyond that, to see the big vision for what we're trying to do, and sometimes I kind of feel like I don't "fit in" in various ways. Also, intra-departmental communication has been a challenge over the past year, and I often feel that I'm swimming against the current.

The 8 of Pumpkins reversed.....yeah, so basically I'm putting a lot of dedication and time into something that may not provide the ultimate rewards and benefits that I hope to see.  I do enjoy the work I'm doing, but there may not be the ability for forward movement in the near future.  I've spent a lot of energy creating new levels of our tiered program, developing new courses, improving my own understanding of my field along the way...and all of that is good, but it may not imply that all of that will bear the fruit I'd like to see.  One example is that a colleague and I were accepted to present at an international conference, very high-profile in our field.  It would be a wonderful way to show others what we're doing, and to get some attention for our department's projects, but our school doesn't support its faculty in attending and presenting at any conferences...which does seem counterproductive...and yet there's nothing that I can really do to change that, as it's very institutionalized.

The 6 of Imps reversed is the anti-money card.  In its upright position this is often the "You will get a promotion or raise" card.  So it's extremely fitting that I should see it in this spread, and receive the news that it's not likely to occur any time soon! :)

So it's nice to have the confirmation that what I've felt to be the likely path of things is probably going to indeed head in that direction.  The benefit is that it encourages me to consider my current position, and what my future goals are.  Where do I want to be in a few years' time?  Will this particular job continue to fulfill me over the long-term?  Will the lack of upward movement end up being a detriment, or will I be able to work with it?  All good food for thought :)