Doing the Hard Thing

I was hungering for a deck, and nothing was right. I searched at shops, I scanned through the pages of online sellers, I looked at the newest upcoming indie decks. Nope. Nothing. Through a somewhat incidental (is anything ever really incidental?) conversation I learned about the "dat Black Mermaid Man Lady" oracle deck created from the heart and soul of Sharon Bridgforth, and I knew that was "it" - I purchased it before I even really knew very much about it, and was pleased to come home to it waiting for me in the mailbox this afternoon.

I sat down with it and decided that for the inaugural reading I would ask: "What message do I need to hear in this moment?" I shuffled, and cut, and I drew one of the four "Dreamer" cards which represent the self, or soul of the reader. 

Then I turned it over to read the wisdom, consisting of a keyword and an excerpt from the "dat Black Mermaid Man Lady" production. It was: Deep Emotions.

Gah. Yep. I was feeling a lot of things at that moment. In fact, I'd had a pretty decent day until I received a series of emails in the early afternoon regarding a few (more) difficult meetings that I will be mediating next week. My heart immediately sunk deep down into my gut and made a nice little nest there. Why this reaction? I mediate well. The meetings won't necessarily be anything out of the ordinary for their type. Why was I feeling so...blue....about it? 

I decided to ask the Tarot of the Cat People to help me identify the source of these deep emotions. I pulled two cards - the Ace of Swords, and the Hanged Man.

The Ace of Swords, the truth. Fairness and clear speech. This man is ready for battle, though his face is calm. The truth hurts. I'm not afraid to speak it. I use my words well. Like this warrior I'm not afraid to meet conflict when necessary. In mediation it's quite interesting to listen to the parties speak, to parse out the grains of truth, the utterances, the perceptions, the thoughts that illuminate the heart of the matter; they are little swords of their own that help me to cut away the excess fibers and fog that build up around and between two people when they are at odds and don't know how to communicate their experiences to each other. 

Why would this make me sad, why would it evoke such a deep emotional response within me?

I thought... the truth does hurt. Just because I am not afraid of it doesn't mean that the edges aren't sharp. I am empathic by nature, absorbing the hurts and joys alike of others. I believe that this is, in part, what makes me effective in mediation, but as able as I am to help others navigate the hazy straits of conflict when called to my duty, it has an impact on me. I have always been a peacemaker, I have always supported harmony. Conflict has always been difficult for me to process and integrate. I like to be alone, in fact, as a general rule (not counting my family, of course). And here I am in a position that requires so much communication, that stretches my diplomatic nature to its limits at times, that pulls and pushes on my desires to be free of all of these ties that come with this responsibility that I have: to navigate a group, a department full of unique souls, through waves that can be choppy at times - that can threaten to toss some people overboard every once in a while. I mediate as part of my work, and while it can be extremely rewarding, it can also, if I'm truthful, be really hard sometimes. 

So, today it is hard. Today, I'm not in the mood - I want to push it away, off my plate, I want to fast-forward to September. I want it to be over already. Yes, I will have to do this thing that I'd rather not do, but I owe it to myself to at least acknowledge that it feels uncomfortable today. 

The Hanged Man is Odin singing in my ear that there is no sacrifice without wisdom on the other end; that pain is instructive; in fact, sometimes it's the only way. What challenges us makes us stronger, opens the way for personal growth to blossom forth (particularly when accompanied by a healthy dose of self-reflection). There is ultimately great good in doing the hard thing (and in remembering to take care of ourselves in the process).

Between Water and Fire

This morning I sat at the kitchen table enjoying the first cup of coffee from my new pot (thanks to my sister for a belated birthday/Christmas present!!) and I decided to pull a daily card from the Tarot of Holy Light. I shuffled a bit and selected the Ace of Swords. I've pulled this card a couple of times recently, and I have been uncovering many new and interesting facets of its character. I thought, "I wonder what its message is for me today....?"

Since taking on a leadership role at my place of work I've found myself positioned between two departments that happen to share a specific population of students. These departments have different personalities, cultures, perspectives, and approaches, and this has caused some friction over time. Now I am in a place where I often find myself mediating conflicts between the two. Over a week ago I was preparing myself for one such meeting and decided to pull a card to help guide me in how to approach these relationship misalignments. I pulled the Ace of Swords, from this same deck, the Tarot of Holy Light. At the time I wrote this:

"Demand honesty and forthrightness. If they inhabit a world hazy with clouded emotion and ambiguous intent, shine your blade a little bit in the sun. Let them see you. Remind them that you're there. Plant seeds of justice that over time will evaporate the doubts and frivolity obscuring the sharp clarity of truth."

It was very helpful advice.

So this morning I laid the Ace on the table, and then thought to look at the top and bottom cards which were the Page of Cups and the Page of Wands. I laid them to either side of the Ace and spent some time considering the line of three. Image-wise it looked quite a bit to me like mediation. And then I remembered: the first item on my morning agenda was a meeting with two members from these different teams, to discuss an ongoing problem.

On the left sits the Page of Cups, almost literally pouring his emotions out into the foreground. The eye floating above the ocean is symbolic of the way in which the perspective of this page is filtered through his/her feelings and emotional responses to the environment. On the right sits the Page of Wands, surrounded in bright, urgent flame. While the Page of Cups appears to be considering the beauty of the flowers nearby, the Page of Wands reaches out almost as if to connect with the other two cards. Water and fire, emotion and spirit. In the middle sits the Ace of Swords, an upright blade surrounded by six faces or eyes connected to a central eye that lies over the sword. All of the varying opinions, beliefs, perspectives, and feelings must be funneled through the impartial eye of the sword whose principal interest is in understanding, truth, clarity, and precise communication.

I see both parties from today's meeting in these Pages - both passionate, both motivated, both caring. But both in need of common ground, of someone to listen to them and to draw out the salient points; to help draw attention to and tease apart what is factual from what is perception. The Ace of Swords is good at that.

The meeting went well, ultimately, and I was able to use Ace of Swords energy to help achieve a level of mutual understanding. It once again brings to my mind the idea of pursuing formal mediation training, and perhaps it is time to look into that!

2016 Presidential Election Prediction

I know we're more than a year from the formal vote, but I've been hearing so much about the potential candidates lately that I decided to pull some cards to see if I could identify a party win for 2016. Of course, as of now the candidates haven't even been selected yet, and only the Republicans have begun their primary debates. Nevertheless, here we go!

I selected one card to represent the Democrats (I decided it would be the left-hand card for obvious reasons!) and one for the Republicans. I also considered the card at the bottom of the deck for underlying energies. My specific request when shuffling was to understand the energies surrounding election success for each party:

Democrats: World
Republicans: Ace of Swords reversed

Tarot de St. Croix/Lisa de St. Croix

Well... wow!....that was my reaction when I turned the cards over. I find it very interesting that we have the final card in the Major Arcana, and an Ace from the Minors paired together. I'm going to call this for the Democrats, and in particular the woman on the World card brought to mind Hillary Clinton. This is truly someone who has reached the apex of their career, and potentially their life as a whole. It's an incredibly powerful symbol of everything coming together, of profound synthesis of experience and knowledge, and in a literal sense the creation of a new world leader. The constellations represent all of the background support being provided and the bolstering community (at times undefinable to the lay person) that is in place.

Interestingly, the Ace of Swords in its reversed position shows logic and reason falling apart. There is confusion, and strong ideas that miss their mark. Upside down, the sword in this image descends, rather than rising up in triumph. I think it is interesting that both cards feature a deep blue night sky with a background of stars. But whereas the World card feels harmonious, the sword pointing down into the moon suggests the inability to create the sort of clarity, rationale, and focused intent that people can get behind. When I think of what I've read about the current Republican primary debates it does certainly sound like there is already some confusion and lack of decisiveness in the mix.

We will see how it all plays out!

The card on the bottom was: 9 of Wands

Tarot de St. Croix/Lisa de St. Croix

In this card an elderly woman walks alone down a dark path at night. From the vantage point we can see where she's come from: there are the pillars from the High Priestess, and lightening striking a tree, reminiscent of the Tower. She's been through a lot of ups and downs, but she's still walking. In general this shows me that it's going to be a long and exhausting trek to the finish line. And again we have a woman here, which (again) brings my thoughts back to Hillary Clinton. She has a lot of air to clear if she hopes to earn the support of the majority of the nation, one of the more significant issues being the Benghazi emails. But she is a sharp, masterful woman with many long years of high-level political experience behind her. I suspect that she knows exactly what she's in for, and that she has a Plan.

Now that I have drawn my cards, there's nothing left to do but sit back and see how it all unfolds!

UPDATE - 11/10/16

Trump ended up claiming the Republican nomination, and Hillary Clinton did in fact become the Democratic nominee. Clinton was highly favored to win, and after a long, brutal election cycle, Clinton did in fact win the popular vote, however Trump won the presidency via the electoral college. The cards I pulled so long ago were all quite accurate in the sense that there was (and still is) a lot of confusion, disagreements, and division among the Republicans, their nominee, and the public. A day after the results of the election, streets in many cities across the country were filled with protestors claiming that "Trump will never be my president." It's hard when the majority of voters express preference for a candidate, but due to the electoral college, the other candidate is awarded the grand prize. Thus there are also petitions circulating at the moment demanding to either abolish the electoral college altogether, or at the very least update it to reflect modern day America.

Interestingly, Hillary Clinton won support from the current President and First Lady, a number of star celebrates and musicians, a long list of renowned newspapers and news magazines, and many international figures as well (World card). She certainly walked a hard and long road as shown in the 9 of Wands, and the email scandal definitely came back to haunt her toward the end (though it was ultimately resolved to her favor). It may be a small comfort, but at least Clinton can move forward knowing that she was chosen by the people.

What will the next year look like as we transition into a very new and unexpected future government?  Only time will tell.....

Apophyllite Dreams

Dreams have always been important to me. For as long as I can remember, every time I had a vivid, powerful dream, I would write it down - these are the dreams that feel important, that deserve attention and investigation; there is a message there. This does not mean that I've always been ace at remembering all of my dreams. I, like most people, have experienced long periods of time where I either have felt that I haven't dreamt at all, or I only remember a small fragment of a dream, or I remember the essence, but upon going about my morning routine it fades like morning mist in the sun.

I have had what people sometimes call "prophetic" dreams. That sounds glorious, but to me a prophetic dream simply means that you've been clued in to something that is likely to occur, or already is occurring, in real life. I once had a very important, yet rather mundane, prophetic dream about my husband's credit card! Many pregnant women have prophetic dreams about the children developing in their wombs. They are a special sort of dream to have, but that doesn't mean they have to be earth-shattering in regards to the implications of their message.

Dreaming; Image from Creative Commons

I've also had dreams that convey important messages in symbol. In other words, they may be a reflection of something I'm experiencing, a clarification of a feeling, or perhaps my higher self knocking me upside the head. Whatever the source, these dreams speak much like Tarot does - in metaphor. For instance I recall the only dream I've ever hard that's caused me to wake up sobbing: when I was pregnant with my middle child, I dreamt that my oldest had died. I was devastated and heart broken, but the dream was simply symbolizing my deep sadness at the sense of losing the one-on-one relationship that I'd developed with my oldest over the course of seven years. My excitement and anticipation regarding my new little one was balanced by the feeling that I was somehow losing my first child. It was good to recognize that feeling and also to learn, over time, that my relationship with my older daughter was not lost or diminished at all - it was simply transformed.

Apophyllite crystals

A few months ago I served as the beta-reader for Jenna Matlin's really well-done eBook on Tarot reading at festivals and fairs. As a "thank you" she sent me a very cool gift: two pouches of "chakra stones." In the crown chakra bag I found a crystal I'd never heard of before: apophyllite. The accompanying card said that this crystal was great for connecting to higher vibrational energies, and for communication with spirit energy. Sounded good to me! I stuck it under my pillow that very same night feeling that it would be good to keep it within my vibrational field. I had no idea what I was in for.

I woke the next morning feeling like I had been to a quadruple-feature film at the theater. I remembered every dream I had all night long, and let me tell you - I apparently pack 'em in back to back. It was striking and I thought, "If that was caused by the stone under my pillow, then that's the fastest working, most potent crystal I've ever encountered!" That day I did an online search about apophyllite and sure enough I found that several sites list it as being conducive to dream recall and lucid dreaming!

This all started a month ago and the dreaming experience that I had that first night has become the norm. Not only do I remember my dreams every night, but the number of significant dreams that I've had has increased quite a bit as well (or at least my ability to retain them has!). It's absolutely amazing. 

Here are a couple of the more memorable ones:

In one dream a few weeks back I saw a picture of the Ace of Swords, and heard a voice telling me that my air energy was off-balance and I needed to pay more attention to the fact that I was worrying far too much, and underutilizing the strength and power of my mental faculties. It was like a conversation with a guide or my higher self. I couldn't see anyone, there was just the voice and the image, and nothing else but a gray backdrop. When I awoke I had a strong sense that I had truly been receiving an important and direct communication about my well-being. And since that night I've improved a lot in the area of focus and intention, and have curbed a lot of my unproductive anxiety.

Rider Waite Tarot - US Games

Another dream I had just a couple of nights ago featured me wearing a white, flowing, cotton dress. I was going herb hunting, and happened across a grove of Elderberry trees situated in a circle, located in a common green area of what looked like a suburban neighborhood. I was so excited to have found these wonderful trees, and I climbed into the branches with a little plastic sandwich baggie. The branches were covered with lush bunches of white elderflowers, and I started to experiment with harvesting them. Suddenly I stopped myself because I remembered that I'd forgotten to acknowledge and thank the lady of the Elderberry trees! I was upset with myself. So I stopped what I was doing and apologized to the lady for my clumsiness, and then thoroughly thanked her for what I had taken and what I planned to take. I collected what seemed like a lot of wonderful flowers, but in reality was only a tiny fraction of what was available. I had a moment of concern, wondering if the people living in the houses nearby would think I was "up to something" and call the police. However I finished my harvesting, and never saw a soul. I stepped off the tree branch and floated down to the ground. 

Image from Creative Commons

Suffice to say, my dream journal has grown quite a bit lately. Having been so floored by the power of this crystal, I went online and ordered two more apophyllite crystals so that I could create a simple grid with them and selenite. And I've found that my dreams stay active and vibrant now even when I happen not to have an apophyllite crystal under my pillow. Perhaps that's because the crystals are always nearby even when they're not nestled into my pillowcase. Perhaps it's because once the door is opened it's not easily shut again. I don't know. But I do know that this has been one of the most powerful experiences with a crystal that I've ever had, and I look forward to continuing to develop and learn from my dreams with the help of this wonderful stone. I recommend it to anyone seeking to explore their own Dreamtime. There are vendors selling large pieces of apophyllite for quite a hefty price, but a small, natural pyramid (which is what I've been using) can be found for around $3. 

Good luck, and happy dreaming!

Those Deviant Swords

I love the Deviant Moon deck, and it’s interesting how much I love it given the amount of time it took me to actually decide to buy it. I remember the first time I saw the box at the bookstore. I was considering getting a new deck, but was resolved to only buy from U.S. Games because I know I can count on good quality card stock (and I’m really, really picky about card stock – a flimsy or overly stiff stock can really ruin a beautiful card). That particular day the only U.S. Games deck to be had was the Deviant Moon…but I took a look at the box and said, “No, thank you!” I didn’t like all the male figures with lipstick and curved chins. At all.  So I left the store empty handed. (Only to eventually come to purchase it, and subsequently come to really love it). I feel like every time I want to post about a card, I end up writing a preamble about this deck. * Sigh * It’s clearly had an impact on me, probably because of the emotional evolution I experienced!

The suit of Swords is never my favorite in any deck. The strife, sharp edges, feelings parted from thoughts.  An interesting fact is that I absolutely love the Swords suit in the Deviant Moon – in fact I think it’s my favorite suit in the deck. This alone is like a breakthrough. I find the images portrayed on the cards of the Swords suit in this deck to be softer in a way, but very “real” in terms of how they portray meaning. Today I am going to talk about three of those cards: the Ace of Swords, the 2 of Swords, and the 8 of Swords.

Deviant Moon Tarot
Patrick Valenza, US Games 2008

The Ace is divine.  I normally don’t really connect to the Aces of Swords in many decks, but this depiction says something to me. I suppose it evokes “feeling” for me, which usually doesn’t occur with other versions of this card. I love the look on this lady’s face – the determination and resolve. She is holding the Sword upright with clear purpose.  She’s ready to know the truth, to cut through the fog, to free herself from relationships or connections that are no longer serving her in a positive way. She’s open to fresh insights and ideas that will take her forward, and she has the will to see things through.  I love the green vine that winds around her sword, indicating the new, healthy growth that this card heralds.  Her sword isn’t slicing through the vine wantonly…. It is discerning and clear in its focus.

2 of Swords - Deviant Moon Tarot
Patrick Valenza - US Games 2008

The 2 of Swords often depicts a woman sitting on the edge of an ocean with a blindfold on, holding two swords that criss-cross in front of her. It’s about denial, avoiding having to make a decision, uncertainty about how to create balance between two disparate elements in one’s life. Unlike the Ace, this card is about not wanting to confront the truth.  What I like about the Deviant Moon’s version of this card is that it brings to light in a powerful way how those feelings and mental blocks can create inner conflict in an individual.  This card shows what looks like one man divided in two. Half of him is dark, the other half light. The upper half of him is at war, each brawny part exerting force against the other side of himself.  From the outside you wouldn’t see this, but there is a battle raging within. He’s stuck in limbo, and his indecision is robbing him of peace, and keeps him from taking decisive action. Each possibility carries too much of the unknown, or offers different but equal cons that make neither option the clear winning choice. I love how the inner world is depicted here – it carries a lot of power in the feeling it conveys.

8 of Swords - Deviant Moon Tarot
Patrick Valenza - US Games 2008

Finally I want to show the 8 of Swords. In a traditional deck this card would show a blindfolded woman trapped within a circle of 8 upright swords, buried in the sand. She’s on the edge of a rocky sea shore, and salvation is so close, but she can’t see it. Like the 2 of Swords, she may be avoiding the call to focus on a challenging issue.  There’s a sense of powerlessness to this card – that external forces are exerting a control over one’s life that isn’t possible to overcome. The key to this card is in understanding that those limitations are often mental – we convince ourselves that things are too difficult to manage, that we have no power over our lives.  In reality we do have the ability to take off the blindfold and start the path toward shore, we’re just afraid of what we might see.  The Deviant Moon card shows a similar but very unique perspective: a woman stands at a dark window at night, and the moon above appears to be sucking her over the sill.  She’s in danger of falling, where 8 swords wait to greet her below.  What’s interesting about this card is the way it portrays illusion.  The moon represents our fears and confusion, and the deep impact that those feelings have on us and our behaviors.  This woman is allowing her fears to consume her, and to take her deeper into the darkness.  What she hasn’t figured out yet is that the moon’s power is fragile, and she has the strength within her to break the illusions that have her in a helpless trance.  All she needs to do is stand up and walk back in the house, and she can shed the “blindfold” and free her mind.

The Advice of Air and Wolf

Today I pulled the Ace of Swords for my daily draw (using DruidCraft Tarot - Philip and Stephanie Carr-Gomm and Will Worthington).  Phew!  This is really good, and also really challenging. 

Yesterday evening we received our oldest daughter’s grades for last year (why so late??) and they were not particularly good.  Yet her State test scores were far above average.  We know she is capable of doing the work, but she daydreams a lot, and keeps a lot of her thoughts and feelings inside, and that combination has really created some obstacles in the past.  She will make some decisions that are not ideal, and when it creates a major problem she does feel bad and accept responsibility…. But then soon she falls back into her own private world and the cycle continues.  I ask myself what I can do better as a parent to help guide her, help her with structure.  I pulled three cards from my Morgan Greer deck last night asking, “What should I understand about my daughter?” 

I pulled the 7 of Cups, Justice, and the High Priestess. 

Morgan Greer Tarot

Yep.  The 7 of Cups represents how much time she spends entertaining herself, distracting herself, with exciting ideas and fantasies – none of which she ever turns into an actual project or activity in the real world (even despite our continual encouragement).  The High Priestess is her hidden world.  In the Morgan Greer deck the High Priestess sits before a curtain with her feet resting on the moon.  Behind the curtain you can see that there is an ocean beyond, but it’s mostly hidden.  The moon signifies many things, but one of those things is illusion.  For me this card represents how while my daughter always seems cool, calm and collected, underneath the surface she is feeling a lot of things that she keeps to herself.  She gives the illusion that all is well in her world, when the reality might not be at all that way.  For me Justice represents her brief moments of clarity, when she realizes that she keeps stepping in the same hole (so to speak), and she feels a sense of responsibility for her behavior, and understands the need to make some changes.  But Justice is flanked by two water cards – while air and water get along okay, the predominance of water makes me feel that her daydreaming and hidden world are why she keeps returning to the same patterns.  She is a teenager, but she’s still young.  I’m not sure she can find that extra “air” to help sort things out.

DruidCraft Tarot

That’s where the Ace of Swords comes in.  I really want to help guide her in a nurturing but firm manner.  While I am frustrated by the poor performance, I feel for her, and oftentimes end up focusing more on her feelings rather than finding a solid solution for her.  Which is not a true help, I think, in the long-run.  What the Ace of Swords is telling me to do is to put the emotions aside for now, and figure out a rational, well-thought-out plan that will provide her with the extra scaffolding she needs to be successful.  The Ace of Swords shows a sword breaking through illusion and emotion.  This is a great analogy for the need for Jorge and I to break through the illusion of our daughter's mind-set and emotional state, and work with her where she truly is.  In the past we’d have long discussions, tears, lots of hugs, and then we’d feel like we made progress and we’d let it go.  That was an error.  It’s time for a change in how we work with her, which will hopefully result in real change all the way around, and will end in a happy, successful kid, and happy, relieved parents.  I’m ready for that challenge.

One additional note (this is several hours after posting this): I am definitely pulling on the Ace of Swords at work today, too.  I've been placed in a leadership position for a group assignment, and some of the members on the team are resentful and uncooperative.  I am definitely rather Cupsy, and always strive for harmony, and am always considering people's feelings.  In this case I need to buck up and take on this challenge.  I need to let go of my concern about what others think of me, especially when the dislike stems from negativity rather than reality.  I need to be a leader, a fair leader, but the focus must be on the facts, on honesty, and strength.  Difficult, but a worthy lesson for me.

I also pulled a card from the Druid Animal Oracle (Philip and Stephanie Carr-Gomm and Will Worthington).  I didn’t pull it in relation to this situation, just for additional advice.  I pulled the Wolf, and it really works in harmony with yesterday’s Hermit card pull.

The Wolf encourages me to recognize that to grow deeper I need to take on challenges that may cause me anxiety.  This does have a relation to the issue with my daughter, but I feel it relates most strongly to my Tarot study.  I’ve been going deeper into Tarot, but knowing that at some point I need to dive into reading for strangers.  This causes me anxiety, and I ask myself, “What if I don’t connect?  What if my reading is completely off?  What if the client tells me that my interpretation has no relationship to their lives??”  Well, that is a little overboard.  I already know that it wouldn’t be that bad.  The accuracy of the readings I do has been high, and the work I’m doing practicing my story-weaving skills (based on strangers’ online spread postings) has shown me that I’m not entirely inept.  But those concerns continue to haunt me a bit.  At the same time I know that taking that leap into free-reading is a critical step to my development as a card reader.  And I actually do want to do it.  So in that respect the Wolf (“intuition, learning, the Shadow”) is encouraging me to accept my fears and move past them into deeper waters.  I’m grateful for the advice. <3