Doing the Hard Thing

I was hungering for a deck, and nothing was right. I searched at shops, I scanned through the pages of online sellers, I looked at the newest upcoming indie decks. Nope. Nothing. Through a somewhat incidental (is anything ever really incidental?) conversation I learned about the "dat Black Mermaid Man Lady" oracle deck created from the heart and soul of Sharon Bridgforth, and I knew that was "it" - I purchased it before I even really knew very much about it, and was pleased to come home to it waiting for me in the mailbox this afternoon.

I sat down with it and decided that for the inaugural reading I would ask: "What message do I need to hear in this moment?" I shuffled, and cut, and I drew one of the four "Dreamer" cards which represent the self, or soul of the reader. 

Then I turned it over to read the wisdom, consisting of a keyword and an excerpt from the "dat Black Mermaid Man Lady" production. It was: Deep Emotions.

Gah. Yep. I was feeling a lot of things at that moment. In fact, I'd had a pretty decent day until I received a series of emails in the early afternoon regarding a few (more) difficult meetings that I will be mediating next week. My heart immediately sunk deep down into my gut and made a nice little nest there. Why this reaction? I mediate well. The meetings won't necessarily be anything out of the ordinary for their type. Why was I feeling so...blue....about it? 

I decided to ask the Tarot of the Cat People to help me identify the source of these deep emotions. I pulled two cards - the Ace of Swords, and the Hanged Man.

The Ace of Swords, the truth. Fairness and clear speech. This man is ready for battle, though his face is calm. The truth hurts. I'm not afraid to speak it. I use my words well. Like this warrior I'm not afraid to meet conflict when necessary. In mediation it's quite interesting to listen to the parties speak, to parse out the grains of truth, the utterances, the perceptions, the thoughts that illuminate the heart of the matter; they are little swords of their own that help me to cut away the excess fibers and fog that build up around and between two people when they are at odds and don't know how to communicate their experiences to each other. 

Why would this make me sad, why would it evoke such a deep emotional response within me?

I thought... the truth does hurt. Just because I am not afraid of it doesn't mean that the edges aren't sharp. I am empathic by nature, absorbing the hurts and joys alike of others. I believe that this is, in part, what makes me effective in mediation, but as able as I am to help others navigate the hazy straits of conflict when called to my duty, it has an impact on me. I have always been a peacemaker, I have always supported harmony. Conflict has always been difficult for me to process and integrate. I like to be alone, in fact, as a general rule (not counting my family, of course). And here I am in a position that requires so much communication, that stretches my diplomatic nature to its limits at times, that pulls and pushes on my desires to be free of all of these ties that come with this responsibility that I have: to navigate a group, a department full of unique souls, through waves that can be choppy at times - that can threaten to toss some people overboard every once in a while. I mediate as part of my work, and while it can be extremely rewarding, it can also, if I'm truthful, be really hard sometimes. 

So, today it is hard. Today, I'm not in the mood - I want to push it away, off my plate, I want to fast-forward to September. I want it to be over already. Yes, I will have to do this thing that I'd rather not do, but I owe it to myself to at least acknowledge that it feels uncomfortable today. 

The Hanged Man is Odin singing in my ear that there is no sacrifice without wisdom on the other end; that pain is instructive; in fact, sometimes it's the only way. What challenges us makes us stronger, opens the way for personal growth to blossom forth (particularly when accompanied by a healthy dose of self-reflection). There is ultimately great good in doing the hard thing (and in remembering to take care of ourselves in the process).

4 of Pentacles: Addressing the Weakest Link

I'm dealing with a challenging situation at work - one that will likely require me to make an important and difficult decision by month's end. There are a lot of things I enjoy about leadership: having the ability to improve the work environment for my team; recognizing the unique talents, abilities and contributions of each individual; problem solving; big-picture thinking and planning..... but there are less enjoyable aspects of it, too.

Without going into too much detail, I will say that I'm in a position where I must consider, and make decisions about, the overall strength of my team. I was up late last night with a coughing child, and as I was easing him back to sleep, I was playing various scenarios and options though my head in regards to how I could and ought to approach the matter. When I woke up I decided to pull a card to highlight the most critical aspect to keep in mind as I move forward: 4 of Pentacles.

Vikings Tarot; Lo Scarabeo

At first I noticed the solid composition of these four figures; they each bear a coin, and stand firmly upright in a diamond-shape, creating a strong foundation of strength and power. There are no weak links here, which is an important detail - if even one person begins to waver, the entire structure they create with their stances loses its integrity, and compromises them all. 

I noticed the 4 on this card - the number associated with April (affirming that this has been and will continue to be a major matter for me this month), and likewise associated with the Emperor (a card that has appeared for me quite a bit as I've transitioned into this director role). 

Pentacles are associated with the material world, with what we can experience with our five principal senses, with finances and resources. As I looked at this card I saw my team (albeit abbreviated here), each member offering their unique resources of education, know-how, experience, and energy; each carrying his or her responsibilities fairly and equally, working together to create a strong program. So what happens when one person isn't able or willing to shoulder their own weight? To avoid collapse, the other members end up taking on more and more until the responsibility starts to feel like a burden. Eventually it becomes a problem that needs attention. 

What this encourages me to do is not think only in terms of single individuals, but to keep in mind the team as a whole. What is in the best interest of the majority of these instructors? What can I do to support them? What actions can I take to ease the excessive demands on their time and energy that may eventually hurt their motivation and ability to enjoy the work that they do? 

I may be the nominated leader, but I work for these teachers just as much as they do for me. The 4 of Pentacles reminds me that it is my responsibility as a part of this team to make sure that the overarching organizational structure works smoothly for them, and to address any of those "weak links" that prevent them, and the group as a combined entity, from achieving their highest potential. Perhaps a tall order, but one I must face nonetheless.

From One Moment to the Next

I haven't posted in a little while because life has been whirring by at a rather extraordinary pace. But today is Tuesday of Spring Break week, I'm at home with a hot cup of coffee and a gray, rainy late afternoon sky peering in at me through the kitchen window, and I do believe it's time to do a little writing.

I'm nearing my four-month "anniversary" as the director of an international department in a higher education setting, and so far I can say that I am enjoying it. It certainly has its stressful moments, but that's part of the thrill of the ride, and one of the things I like most about this position is that there is constant fluctuation and change: each day brings something new.

Moving from instructor to director has brought a lot of changes along with it, a new path to tread. Fluctuations aside, my one constant over these past months has been the desire to always be and do better as I learn what it means to lead others. This morning I pulled a card from the Wildwood Tarot asking "Where can I continue to grow as a manager?" I pulled the 6 of Arrows:

Wildwood Tarot; John Matthews, Mark Ryan, W. Worthington

As I sat with this card several thoughts and feelings about "transition" (this card's keyword) spilled forth.....

Transition....

1) of relationship based in position. It is more challenging to be friends with former colleagues for whom I now give annual reviews. Connections stay positive, but friendship slowly shifts into guidance, mentorship, support, and amiability.  Something, some taste or quality, transforms. It is not better or worse than what it was, only vaguely different.

2) of time - allowing for the process of change to unfold rather than worrying that the transition from one position to another should have been immediate.

3) of perspective. Mind over matter - the ability and requirement to be objective, and to make decisions based on logic rather than emotion...almost literally transitioning my entire team from a hazy, uncertain past into what I deeply hope becomes a warm, bright and affirming future.

Leading is not for the faint of heart, but by taking each day as it comes, and giving myself the space to grow and evolve, the transition - no matter its ups and downs - may be a rewarding journey.

Note: The URL for this blog has changed to http://firstearthtarot.blogspot.com