Spirit Conversations

The other day a Tarot friend from across the globe asked me about some experiences she’s been having connecting with her father-in-law in spirit, who she had never met in the physical.  (You can read about Joanna’s conversation with her father-in-law here).

What is interesting is that for the past couple of weeks I’ve been connecting with my own father-in-law who I’d also never met.  Jose passed very quickly of cancer when my husband was barely 21 years old, and it left a deeply painful mark on him, which in many ways he still struggles with.   I never had the opportunity to know Jose, and I have often felt sad about that, so having a context in which to interact with him (in this case, via mediumship) has been a very important and special experience for me.

My first foray into connecting with spirit was when I connected with the energies of Jorge’s (my husband) brother Manuel, who also died of cancer far too young. My thought at the time was: if I can connect with living energies, why can’t I connect to the energies of those who are no longer in physical form?  I’ve often felt Manuel’s presence in and around us.  In fact he came to Jorge in a dream to inform him of my pregnancy with our daughter Lourdes, the day before I decided to take the pregnancy test.  The two of them had a very strong tie, and his death also took a major toll on Jorge.  So I decided to tap into Manuel’s energy, and found that I could, and I was able to pass on a message to Jorge via a combination of clairsentience and the tool of Tarot.

Wildwood Tarot
John Matthews, Mark Ryan, Will Worthington
Sterling Ethos, 2011

Jorge was touched by that, and eventually asked if at some point I could try to connect with his father.  One evening after I put our youngest child to bed I sat with my cards and closed my eyes, and invited Jose to connect with me.  I felt him surprisingly quickly, and his energy was very strong.  I felt him, his face, his neck, his being, very near to my own face, and it almost tickled, and it made me laugh out loud.  I had the sense that he’d been keeping his distance, observing from afar, for quite a long time, and he was happy to have received an open invitation to be present and to interact.  I also felt that he really didn’t feel like “talking” with me via Tarot.  He just wanted to “be.” He passed to me the feelings he experienced at the time just prior to his death, when he was in the hospital.  I knew that Jorge had told me that his father glared at his grandmother during this time.  He could no longer speak, but his eyes conveyed a strong message, and Jorge’s grandmother told him later, “Your father died hating me.” Their relationship had not been simple.  So I wasn’t surprised to feel anger, but the complex combination of feelings was striking.  He felt anger, and sadness, yes.  But there were a host of other feelings that took me by surprise.  Eventually I persuaded him to allow me to use cards to provide a somewhat more tangible message for Jorge, and while reluctant, it worked out okay.  It was interesting, that reluctance, because when working with Manuel and even my own grandmother, there had never been any issue with using the cards.  But for some reason Jose didn’t want to bother, it was like it was an annoying hassle or something.  So he did pass a message to Jorge, recognizing some of the current hurdles that my husband is facing, and also expressing a regret at not having been as communicative as he wished he had been with his son. (An afterthought: according to Jorge, his grandmother had a strong connection to spirit, and also worked with cards.  Thinking back on that, I wonder if his reluctance to "speak" via the cards was a reflection of the difficult relationship he had with her.)

When I was ready to close down communication, I found that Jose was not.  This was also a surprise. He seemed so happy to have made the connection that he wasn’t quite ready to be done with it yet.  So we went together into my daughter’s room and I silently introduced him to her (she was reading and I didn’t bother her).  A short time later I was chatting with Jorge and I just burst out laughing.  I had the strangest sense of viewing Jorge from the angle of his father, and even had the feeling that Jose was looking at Jorge through my eyes.  That has happened a couple of times since, and I’ve come to think of it as borrowing someone’s binoculars; it’s entirely unobtrusive, but the sensation is unique. It was so funny, so odd, so new that I had to laugh.  Jorge looked at me strangely, wondering what was up, and suddenly said, “My dad’s still here, isn’t he!”  And I said that yes, he was.  Jorge said that he could feel his dad’s energy.  He seemed both annoyed and at the same time happy that his father was “there.”  Later I had to tell Jose “Okay listen, I’m ready to go do normal things like eat some food and watch T.V.”  I went about my business and he eventually faded.  I asked my mentor about this and she said that sometimes passed loved ones just want to be a part of the family, and hang around with us.  Okay. Cool.

So last night I connected to Jose’s energy again and we had a nice “chat.”  I will say that we aren’t so much “talking” – it’s more a strong sense of his reactions, emotions, and sometimes an image flash, or a brief phrase that comes more as an imprint than an utterance.

Halloween Tarot
Karin Lee, Kipling West
US Games, 1997

I like Jose’s energy, it feels good.  Since that first, intense connection, things have mellowed, and I’m enjoying learning a little more about him.  I asked him about his relationship with Jorge’s mother (they were never married, but had six children together – later on they split up). I pulled the King of Cups and the 6 of Cups reversed.  I sensed that he had loved Irma, and always had caring feelings toward her.  That they may have been soul mates of a sort, but the romantic aspect to their relationship simply ran its course.  They remained friends, but couldn’t stay formal partners.

I told him about his grandchildren.  Isa, our oldest, is my child from a former relationship, and Jorge legally adopted her.  I told Jose that although Isa is mine from before I met Jorge, she really needs both Jorge and Jose, and I felt Jose’s sense of pleasure and willingness to be present for her.  I told him that his grandson, Gabriel, is very precocious, and we call him a “true” Destrades because his personality is so closely tied to so many of the men from the Destrades clan. I immediately felt a very strong sense of fierce pride and happiness, and I pulled a card and it was the Emperor – the over-arching patriarch of the family.  I smiled.

I asked Jose to tell me something about his relationship with his own mother, and I pulled the Justice card.  It was a relationship with a profound theme of fairness (and consequently unfairness) that deeply impacted their ability to love each other.

Halloween Tarot
Karin Lee, Kipling West
US Games, 1997

Finally I asked how Jose felt about us finally communicating, and what he felt the benefit was, and I pulled the 3 of Wands – the beginning phase of a journey, a new, energy-based relationship.  The three brought to mind me, Jose and Jorge.  Interestingly, the card that represents my own role as a Tarot reader (and perhaps budding medium as well) is the Page of Wands: the mediator between worlds, the messenger, the gatekeeper, the guide, the facilitator.  So seeing the three wands builds on that, and it represents my role as the go-between.

I hope that my husband will be able to connect directly with his own father some day.  He deeply appreciates the fact that his father is able to be present with us, but his pain is keen, and setting up a direct line would be ideal.  Fortunately Jorge has those sensitivities, and I expect that he’ll be able to accomplish that at some point.  The last time I connected with his father, I had failed to mention it to Jorge.  Suddenly he walked into the room where I was sitting and said “I hate it when that happens! I just saw something or someone in the hallway standing there!”  And I said “Oh!  It was probably your dad!!”  That was surprising, and also really nice.

So this journey is interesting, touching, wonderful, kind of crazy, and very humbling.  I’m grateful to have a way to develop a relationship of sorts with Jose, and to be able to provide a link between him and his son, who desperately needs him. Last night Jorge told me, “If I had gone to some stranger and they’d told me that they were able to sense my dad, and send me a message, I’d say it was cool, but I wouldn’t be as moved. I love the fact that the person receiving messages is you.”  That filled me up to the brim, I’ll just put it that way. <3