5 of Wands: Integrating Ferocity

The day 10 task for the Shadow Work October challenge asks: What do you need to release?

I pulled: 5 of Scepters (Wands) reversed:

Tarot of Vampyres

This was interesting, as this was one of the cards I drew for the day nine task about misperceptions we have about ourselves; for me this related to a fear of conflict, that it would be the end of me, that I can't handle it. So to pull this as something in need of release is fitting, really. I need to continue working on releasing my desire/tendency to avoid conflict. 

This card shows a woman facing down a black panther. The black panther has been significant in my life over the past six months or so. In this image I see the need for the woman to release her fear of her own ferocity, to put the cross down and allow the panther to meld with her spirit. The panther is not going to hurt her; that in itself is her misconception. The panther is a part of her, calling for integration. 

7 of Skulls: A Poem

Yesterday I took a brief reprieve from the Shadow Work October challenge and pulled a card-of-the-day from the Tarot of Vampyres deck (which I'm enjoying quite a bit!). I pulled:

7 of Skulls

Tarot of Vampyres 

As I was pondering the imagery - the werewolf girl clinging to a post (in what almost looks like a graveyard, except that it is not), apples strewn about on the ground before her - words started to dance about in my head, and before I knew it I'd composed a short, lyrical poem:

Where have you come from, 

and where are you going? 

Are the seeds that you planted long ago 

still growing? 

Measure, inhale, think, repeat. 

Temper, calibrate, exhale, reap. 

I am indeed doing quite a bit of review, thoughtful consideration, and planning - probably just as much today as yesterday! As I sit and make lists, and ponder, I realize that I start to hold my breath. So one of the subtle aspects of this card that I will take with me is that, as I go about my calculations and consider how I want to move forward, I must remember to breathe!

True Freedom and Inner Truth

I've been pondering for quite a while (even in the back of my head when I'm focused on other things) one of the refrains from my sign in Ifá which reads: "Man is free like a bird in a cage." Obviously it's a metaphor, but a metaphor that means what, exactly?

Yesterday as I was reading Rose's lovely blog, Tarot of the Dervish, one of her posts suddenly hit me in such a way that many various elements from my present (and past) experiences, in addition to the refrain, seemed to coalesce and take on significant meaning.

Image: Roberto Verzo

For the month of October I pulled the 10 of Swords. I was afraid that I'd be miserable - exhausted, stressed out, overwhelmed, etc. To some degree that's true, though it's not nearly as dismal as I was fearing (so far - knock on wood!). But this card is about learning from and ending difficult cycles so that new ones can be born. There is fresh air there somewhere. I've also pulled the 9 of Swords during this Shadow Challenge: facing my fears is the best way to conquer them.

Last night as I read Rose's blog post I was surveying cards that focused on self-limitations, and suddenly it was all clear to me. We are prisoners of our own fears, limitations, weaknesses, shadows. We can become quite comfortable living in confinement, never truly challenging our ourselves to grow, to become better people, to examine, process, and eventually find ourselves capable of release from our own self-imposed limitations. Perhaps ignorance is bliss (that's debatable!), but knowledge is power.

Image: Vaibhav Ahuja

And I realized that all of the work I've been doing lately has been part of finding the key to my own "cage," so that I can be truly free, and not simply live the illusion of freedom.

Over the past few weeks I've been allowing myself to do things differently. For so much of my life I avoided conflict, and cherished peace. Peace and harmony are good, but there is indeed such a thing as being peaceful-to-a-fault. I was afraid of being vulnerable. I was afraid of hurting people. I was afraid of the anger or outbursts of others. I was afraid of crying in the face of someone else's rage. Of course there is a lot inherently wrong in that, and in my past I let a lot of people walk all over me. Learning to be strong, to share my voice, to be clear about my reality and my boundaries and be willing to stand by them - that has been one of my major areas of development, and I feel I've made major leaps and bounds forward even just in the past few years. Nowadays I am less inclined to avoid conflict - not because I enjoy debates, arguments, or perhaps even misunderstandings (I still don't at all) but because I have to honor myself at least as much as I try to honor others. Part of honoring myself is to speak my truth, kindly but clearly. And perhaps through honoring myself, I can better honor others.

I've been working hard to do that - to challenge myself to face my own shadow.

I don't want to be "free like a bird in a cage." To be truly free I have to be me, in the most honest and true way that I can. I have to nurture the strength within my heart and soul.

As a a fitting close for all of this large-scale consideration, on day seven of the Shadow Work Challenge (aka: today), the task was to pull cards on this topic:

"Sage/Crone: What is my inner truth?"

I pulled the following from the New Orleans Voodoo Tarot:

Obatalá - Elegua - Oyá

This was a deeply touching and affirming reading, like a warm embrace. Obatalá, my father, and Elegua, my very best friend, appeared side by side. They are always with me and within me as I walk my path, giving me the support and wisdom to remember who I am, and to embrace and process the change that Oyá carries through my life. Their card numbers total 13, Death, a reflection of the cycle of release and rebirth that I strive to learn from as I constantly seek to be and do better. 

Self-Forgiveness with Tarot of the Vampyres

A new deck appeared on my front steps yesterday afternoon. It's not a deck I ever thought I'd purchase, nor one I thought I was particularly interested in....until seeing Ellen's blog posts featuring it! I was surprised by the lovely and interesting artwork; while certainly "vampirey", it also has a uniquely eloquent voice and I find some of the card depictions intriguing and even rather beautiful. So I decided to go for it:

This is not a proper review, though I will probably do one a bit further down the line after working with these cards some more. For now I want to simply discuss the task from day six of the Shadow Work October challenge which I completed using this deck:

The Innocent - What do I need to forgive myself for?

As I was shuffling, the 9 of Swords reversed popped out of the deck. I put it back in and kept shuffling. I split the deck and pulled my cards, and lo and behold, the first card was none other than the 9 of Swords reversed, followed by the Priestess and the Magician:

I knew immediately what it was about: my propensity for profound self-doubt. I mean, I do believe in myself, and I recognize when I am capable of a job or if I have a particular skill. But for some reason, when I'm in the trenches of the work itself, I always question myself, and often don't sleep well while worrying about the quality of what I've done. I remember this happening quite a lot when I was a student. I would spend so much time and effort working on a project or essay, and never feeling that it was up to par. I knew I could do better. And then I'd get the feedback from the instructor and find that not only did I do very well, I went far above the expectations for whatever the assignment was. You'd think that after experiencing that same situation multiple times over the course of my life that I would come to trust in myself more. But no, I repeat the same cycle - I know that I'm doing it, I'm aware - but that doesn't remedy my worry. These cards show that I eat myself up with self-doubt, but in the end I'm able to use my own wisdom and knowledge (internal) to manifest success (external). I really love that the Priestess showed up (it's my favorite card in this particular deck as it reminds me of Artemis, and much of my self-doubt stems from trusting my intuition and innate wisdom) and the Magician as well (he is my Soul Card).

It's a powerful message, a potent reminder to myself, and I may just lay these cards out somewhere in sight so that I can continue to work on assuaging my sense of self-doubt. I suppose that in a sense, I never want to be over-confident; to some degree I value my inner critic as a way to be accountable to myself, to know that I'm always giving my all to whatever I do. But there is a line somewhere (perhaps I've crossed it when I lose sleep!) that I want to be more respectful of - a balance of self-forgiveness that I would like to achieve.

Least Favorite Card

The task for day 5 of the Shadow Work October challenge was to identify your least favorite card in the deck and discuss what that means about you. I spent quite a while in bed, sprawled out in the dark going over each card mentally, trying to find one that I don't care for. After some time I realized that I don't dislike any. However I eventually settled on the 3 of Swords:

Mythic Tarot

Obviously some cards are more difficult than others, but I appreciate them all. However the card that makes me hurt most for a client is when the 3 of Swords appears. At best it highlights deep disappointment and at worst profound sadness, heartbreak, and even betrayal. It's the most visceral and the hardest for me to shake off when a reading is finished.

What does that say about me? I care about and empathize with my clients and I probably have some boundary work to do!

Shadow Work October: Overcoming My Fear

I've really been enjoying the Shadow Work October challenge. It's based on Instagram and initially I imagined that I'd use my blog primarily to share my various tasks, yet I've surprised myself and am in fact using Instagram! What I really appreciate about that forum is the opportunity to experience the thoughts and work being done by others participating in the same challenge. However from time to time I want to share some of the tasks and results here, so today I will briefly discuss the challenges from days three and four:

On day three our task was to pull a card to describe our greatest fear. I pulled: 5 of Stones.

Wildwood Tarot

On Instagram I wrote the following about this:

"This is apt! I often say that a solid economic security is the only thing missing from my life. I have amazing children, a loving husband, and I enjoy the work that I do. But if anything nags at me it's the worry that stems from always having to be meticulously mindful of my resources."

An additional thought: several months ago I did a "bridge" reading to identify where I was at the moment, where I was headed, and how I was going to get there (aka the "bridge"). In that reading my bridge was the 5 of Stones, which both made a lot of sense, and also served as a comfort (yes, this is your indeed your path!). It is nice to see it appear here, again, and to have the chance to consider that past reading and the encouragement it gave me.

On day four (today) the task was to pull a card that represents how best to conquer our fear, and I pulled: 9 of Swords.

Stone Tarot

My thoughts: "The best way to approach and overcome my fear is through reflection and attention. Naming and knowing fears helps to diminish their power over us, and helps us find solutions for them."

Often times we want to run from fears, push them down below the surface, distract ourselves from them. But fears can also be our greatest teachers. Hiding from them allows them to grow out of proportion to what is real, and our fear of fear provides sustenance for them. Addressing our fears reduces their influence over our hearts and minds, and can be a rich source of self-empowerment.

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance." -FDR

A Special Shadow Spread and Reading Offer for October

I am offering an October special-rate reading using an original shadow spread:

Deviant Moon Tarot

October Special: "Exploring Our Shadow" 3-Card Reading - $10

Just for the month of October you can order a special, reduced-rate reading to explore shadow influences:

Card 1 - Shadow: What feelings, thoughts or past experiences are floating beneath the surface of your life that you may not be fully aware of?

Card 2 - Lesson: How does your shadow impact you? What does it teach you about yourself?

Card 3 - Key: How might you address, work with, or overcome your shadow?

You may purchase the reading via the Request page, by clicking here.

If you are a reader, please feel free to use this spread for yourself! :)