Be Your Own Warrior (Not Worrier)

It has taken me a long time to recognize that I am a worrier. I've always been very laid back, flexible, calm, relaxed. Those aren't characteristics that I tend to associate with neurosis! And yet under the surface I would indeed be very anxious - always analyzing (and over-analyzing) conversations and events, worrying about people and responsibilities. During the day it was relatively easy to push it all back in the shadows, but it would inevitably rear its head in the darkest hours of the night. I would wake up at 2am and instead of turning over and falling back to sleep, I would wrap myself in a blanket of all of those fears. In most cases I was blowing things far out of proportion; during the day my rational mind helped mitigate the anxiety, but at night that balance disappeared, and reality felt as dark as the sky. I would lay awake for hours until close to dawn when it felt safe to sleep again.

This is a perfect description of the 9 of Swords.

Golden Tarot - Kat Black

For nearly a year I've held a stanza of the Hávamál like a mantra in my mind:

Jackson Crawford translation

This is extremely sensible, of course, and yet I was having a hard time putting it into practice. I know it's useless to lie awake worrying about concerns both real and imagined, only to have to trudge through the next day exhausted from lack of sleep, the same concerns yet to be solved. Isn't it easier to approach challenges with a clear, rested mind?

A while ago I decided to pull a couple of cards for myself about how to help myself and drew the 7 of Wands as the source, and the reversed waxing crescent as the solution.

Pagan Otherworlds Tarot - Uusi

The 7 of Wands made a lot of sense to me: it evokes a feeling of "me against the world." While I always manage to sort things out and stay on top of it all, I was tending to focus on the dread associated with the need to solve various matters, rather than trusting myself. I felt like I was giving my power away. The Luna card was an interesting and yet very fitting response. Upright this would be a waxing crescent, but reversed it becomes a waning moon. What this told me was that as my fears began to grow, I needed to let them go. This seemed like obvious advice, and I still didn't know if I would be able to implement it. Just "let it go"? Is it really that easy, though?

The funny thing is that I found that it was. That same night I woke up in the early hours. My body was drowsy, and I knew that this was the magical point at which I could either allow my worries to take over, or I could go back to sleep. I wanted to go back to sleep. With some amount of irritation, I thought something along the lines of: "Not now, worry, not tonight." And I turned over and went back to sleep. Yes, just like that. I refused to permit my irrational fears to ruin my rest. I banished them. And every other time since then that I've awoken in the middle of the night and found myself in similar circumstances, I've just said, "Nope," and have settled back into sleep.

Last night I decided to make space to write my first "Post It Note Poem" (this is something happening on Instagram) as I was sipping hot tea, nestled into the couch to watch the nightly news. I actually produced quite a few poems, but this is the one that struck me most:

I didn't intend to describe those late night fear sessions, but I did. The funny thing is, the 7 of Wands was both the source of my worry, and part of the solution. In order to release those fears I had to take my power back and become an advocate for my own well-being. I am in the dark, and there are no stars, no light to ease my mind. There is only me. So it is my responsibility to be my own warrior.

Mannaz and the Ace of Fire

A few days ago I pulled the Ace of Fire from the Dreams of Gaia Tarot as my morning draw. I didn't have a particular question in mind, but I've been trying to breathe my way through the current political climate, and the card immediately felt relevant. The Ace of Fire is a card of action - of manifestation of the creative impulse. Interestingly, in Spanish "manifestación" is the word for political demonstrations or protests. It is the voice of the people made manifest through the gathering of many into one.

I like the image on this card. The fire dragon reminds us of our own inner power to influence change in the world. The spider and her web is a symbol of interconnectedness - what affects one, affects all, in some way or another. We are not isolated individuals, but a community of unique essences that are ultimately woven together into a common tapestry. The spider web encases an egg, the potential for new life. The spider guards it carefully. What will be born from this possibility?

The other day I heard someone say that this deep upheaval is serving to wake us up out of complacency. We are now feeling spurred into action to protect and uphold liberties and equalities that perhaps were taken for granted for too long. There is a move to hold hands with each other, to forge bridges, and break the long-standing and outdated socio-cultural divides between communities who largely share the same values and core principles.

There is a call to learn, to understand, to advocate, to volunteer, to be heard.

As I pondered all of this, I recalled that the previous morning's rune draw (which was still sitting on my altar) was Mannaz. Unlike my card-of-the-day, I had indeed asked a question prior to drawing this rune. I said, "How? How can we combat ignorance? How can we protect the environment, and human rights, and healthcare, in the face of this new administration?" I can't imagine a more appropriate response than Mannaz.

A well-worn, nearly unreadable rune: Mannaz.

Mannaz represents humankind, our unique place in the landscape of community. I have drawn this rune before, particularly on days where issues of racism and inequality have weighed heavily on my mind. This rune calls us to identify and name our values, and to consider how they compare, contrast, or interact with those of other people: of our city, state, country, and world. Mannaz calls us to community mindfulness and mindedness. It calls us to high-level thinking, and to common action. The rune itself looks almost like two people standing side by side, an arm extended down to touch one another's waist; an open embrace. Mannaz says that each person does have a voice, and can make a difference. Moreover, it reminds us that each of us is charged with the responsibility of holding our community - local, national, and beyond - to a higher standard of action, behavior, and principle. None of us is off the hook; we all have a part to play.