Acknowledging Grief

A few weeks ago I found myself "on edge" quite a bit. I would become angry - or at least irritable - with great frequency, and even small incongruities or comments would set me off. I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin, and I sensed that something was "wrong" with me, but I couldn't figure out what it was.

One morning as I sipped my coffee I decided to lay out a Celtic Cross for myself, and the center of the spread was the Page of Wands reversed, crossed by the 3 of Swords. I was a bit puzzled, but I knew that the Page was me. The first word that popped into my head about the relationship of this card to my own state of being was "petulant." Touchy, grumpy, testy, querulous, bad-tempered. Yep. Setting that aside, I then decided to pull another Celtic Cross for a loved one. In the position that represents the significant people in one's environment, I once again drew the Page of Wands reversed. Sigh. There I was again. And if I showed up here, then I knew that this important person was feeling the reverberations of my touchiness. I didn't want that.

So I decided to draw a solution card. What could help me right the energy of this reversed Page? I shuffled and cut the deck, and I drew the 5 of Cups. Hm! 3 of Swords, 5 of Cups. A common theme was forming related to grief, sadness, regret, mourning...... What did all of this have to do with my mood?

I set it on the back burner to percolate as I got ready for work. And then on my drive in it all hit me. This past year has been the most difficult and devastating of my entire life. I am still processing all of the changes and the associated emotions, which vary greatly, but are mostly quite painful. Over the summer my kids spent time up north with their grandparents and I was afforded a very unusual period of alone time. During that time I found that I'd be going about my days and weeks quite ordinarily, when seemingly out of the blue I was walloped by body-wracking waves of tearful grief. This would occur periodically, and each time I was surprised by the depth of hurt that would manifest. At the same time it was quite cathartic, and I always ended up feeling better. I became grateful for the space, the time alone, because I realized that if I were surrounded by the busy-ness of kids' schedules, and school requirements, in addition to everything else vying for my attention, I would likely have been too distracted for this outpouring of feeling.

On the ride to work, it all clicked into place. I realized that I was experiencing what would have been a crashing wave of grief, but with the constant flow of my external world (the kids had already come back, among many other things) I didn't have the quiet space to recognize it. Instead of sadness, it was showing up as anger. In that moment I started to cry, and it was like a release-valve immediately relieving the built-up pressure. I had a name for it; I understood what was happening to me, and why. I was deeply grateful for the way the cards had urged me toward that realization, and the reminder that I'm still working my way through a process that takes time and requires a special effort to ensure that I am taking care of myself.

Embracing the Shadow: An Eclipse Reading

This summer has proven to be a whirlwind of activity, movement, joys, and intense challenges. My blog has certainly landed toward the bottom of any priority list I might have had, and even this post has taken a week to finish writing (but I did it!). This grand solar eclipse a week ago was a special moment that has felt so profoundly relevant to all of the energies flowing in, around, and through my world since summer began. I saw an eclipse spread developed by Sharron Basanti from the School of Gypsy Arts  and made space to draw some cards.

I used my (fairly new) Visconti Sforza deck - the Golden Tarot by Mary Packard, which is sumptuous and rich and fun to read with....

What area of my life is the most influenced by the Solar Eclipse? Strength

I love the Strength card, though to be honest, this particular version was what prevented me from acquiring the Visconti-Sforza for so long! A man beating an animal is not at all how I experience Strength, but with historical decks it's critical to understand the context in which the deck art was created. In this case, it's meant to be a man keeping his pride and baser impulses in check. Still, I much prefer to see the friendship between a woman and a lion, bear, boar, or any other similar wild and fierce creature. To live in harmony with the wild within us is far healthier than to beat it into submission!

All of that said, this card makes so much sense for me (and I love the Leo connection between the eclipse and the card itself!). For months now I feel I've been getting to know more intimately than ever before my own wild nature; learning about how to stretch my wild limbs. I feel like a wolf on the inside, and sometimes even see one in my mind's eye when closing my eyes to fall asleep. How do I embrace this birth and still try to hold onto balance? The answer is: I can't always. Birth is messy. And that has largely been my focus for some time now. It's not always pleasant, but then sometimes it is, and I am filled with this glorious and wonderful power of my own feral self.

What illusions are being brought into the light? 8 of Swords rx

Patterns and paradigms have a way of turning in on themselves. Over this past summer I've come to startling and moving realizations about my own mental cages, the constructs that have kept me locked into a particular way of being that no longer fit me anymore. I was too big, and the surroundings too uncomfortable. I was ambling along, quite unaware of what was happening to me, and then one day, I woke up.

How can I embrace my shadow medicine? Knight of Swords rx

The Knight of Swords has long been my shadow warrior. He is upside down because he is my flip side. The Knight of Swords sees so clearly, and is not blinded nor deterred by the ebb and flow of sentimental tides. Once you see, you cannot (and should not) unsee, and there is great strength and conviction available there, in staying in that awareness. This Knight has kept me focused, has encouraged me to speak my truth, even when that truth is sharp and piercing. The determination and forward orientation of the Knight has kept me moving, even when I am uncertain of the destination.

What paradigm shifts will emerge after the eclipse? 2 of Wands

Themes of personal power and the willingness - readiness - to explore new landscapes (both outer and inner) have formed the backdrop of all of "this." If the 8 of Swords directly symbolizes the paradigm shift, the 2 of Wands is the door to new ways of understanding and engaging with myself and my space.

How can I harness potent medicine of the Solar Eclipse for my spiritual practice? 4 of Wands rx

In addition to some pertinent elements including "freedom" and "transition," this card is associated (via the Golden Dawn) with Venus in Aries. Learning how to honor my heart has been another fundamental theme this summer. The other day I pulled a card from the Raven Oracle (by Gabi Bücker) to serve as "food for thought" over the next handful of months - a sort of mantra or reminder when I need to refocus. The card message I received said: "Your heart is a treasure trove - not some smelly sewer." I laughed at that last bit, but the essence is true and relevant for me now. Love is everything; our hearts can handle limitless amounts of it, in all of its many forms. I want to explore all of the love that my heart has to offer, and that is certainly a spiritual practice.

Message from the Sun: 8 of Cups rx

In order to walk a new path, is it necessary to leave behind the old? Can I search my soul, honor myself, live authentically by transforming "what was" instead of discarding it? I think so. And at any rate, I believe that is the "question of the moment" that the Sun is presenting for my consideration.