Doing the Hard Thing

I was hungering for a deck, and nothing was right. I searched at shops, I scanned through the pages of online sellers, I looked at the newest upcoming indie decks. Nope. Nothing. Through a somewhat incidental (is anything ever really incidental?) conversation I learned about the "dat Black Mermaid Man Lady" oracle deck created from the heart and soul of Sharon Bridgforth, and I knew that was "it" - I purchased it before I even really knew very much about it, and was pleased to come home to it waiting for me in the mailbox this afternoon.

I sat down with it and decided that for the inaugural reading I would ask: "What message do I need to hear in this moment?" I shuffled, and cut, and I drew one of the four "Dreamer" cards which represent the self, or soul of the reader. 

Then I turned it over to read the wisdom, consisting of a keyword and an excerpt from the "dat Black Mermaid Man Lady" production. It was: Deep Emotions.

Gah. Yep. I was feeling a lot of things at that moment. In fact, I'd had a pretty decent day until I received a series of emails in the early afternoon regarding a few (more) difficult meetings that I will be mediating next week. My heart immediately sunk deep down into my gut and made a nice little nest there. Why this reaction? I mediate well. The meetings won't necessarily be anything out of the ordinary for their type. Why was I feeling so...blue....about it? 

I decided to ask the Tarot of the Cat People to help me identify the source of these deep emotions. I pulled two cards - the Ace of Swords, and the Hanged Man.

The Ace of Swords, the truth. Fairness and clear speech. This man is ready for battle, though his face is calm. The truth hurts. I'm not afraid to speak it. I use my words well. Like this warrior I'm not afraid to meet conflict when necessary. In mediation it's quite interesting to listen to the parties speak, to parse out the grains of truth, the utterances, the perceptions, the thoughts that illuminate the heart of the matter; they are little swords of their own that help me to cut away the excess fibers and fog that build up around and between two people when they are at odds and don't know how to communicate their experiences to each other. 

Why would this make me sad, why would it evoke such a deep emotional response within me?

I thought... the truth does hurt. Just because I am not afraid of it doesn't mean that the edges aren't sharp. I am empathic by nature, absorbing the hurts and joys alike of others. I believe that this is, in part, what makes me effective in mediation, but as able as I am to help others navigate the hazy straits of conflict when called to my duty, it has an impact on me. I have always been a peacemaker, I have always supported harmony. Conflict has always been difficult for me to process and integrate. I like to be alone, in fact, as a general rule (not counting my family, of course). And here I am in a position that requires so much communication, that stretches my diplomatic nature to its limits at times, that pulls and pushes on my desires to be free of all of these ties that come with this responsibility that I have: to navigate a group, a department full of unique souls, through waves that can be choppy at times - that can threaten to toss some people overboard every once in a while. I mediate as part of my work, and while it can be extremely rewarding, it can also, if I'm truthful, be really hard sometimes. 

So, today it is hard. Today, I'm not in the mood - I want to push it away, off my plate, I want to fast-forward to September. I want it to be over already. Yes, I will have to do this thing that I'd rather not do, but I owe it to myself to at least acknowledge that it feels uncomfortable today. 

The Hanged Man is Odin singing in my ear that there is no sacrifice without wisdom on the other end; that pain is instructive; in fact, sometimes it's the only way. What challenges us makes us stronger, opens the way for personal growth to blossom forth (particularly when accompanied by a healthy dose of self-reflection). There is ultimately great good in doing the hard thing (and in remembering to take care of ourselves in the process).

Between Water and Fire

This morning I sat at the kitchen table enjoying the first cup of coffee from my new pot (thanks to my sister for a belated birthday/Christmas present!!) and I decided to pull a daily card from the Tarot of Holy Light. I shuffled a bit and selected the Ace of Swords. I've pulled this card a couple of times recently, and I have been uncovering many new and interesting facets of its character. I thought, "I wonder what its message is for me today....?"

Since taking on a leadership role at my place of work I've found myself positioned between two departments that happen to share a specific population of students. These departments have different personalities, cultures, perspectives, and approaches, and this has caused some friction over time. Now I am in a place where I often find myself mediating conflicts between the two. Over a week ago I was preparing myself for one such meeting and decided to pull a card to help guide me in how to approach these relationship misalignments. I pulled the Ace of Swords, from this same deck, the Tarot of Holy Light. At the time I wrote this:

"Demand honesty and forthrightness. If they inhabit a world hazy with clouded emotion and ambiguous intent, shine your blade a little bit in the sun. Let them see you. Remind them that you're there. Plant seeds of justice that over time will evaporate the doubts and frivolity obscuring the sharp clarity of truth."

It was very helpful advice.

So this morning I laid the Ace on the table, and then thought to look at the top and bottom cards which were the Page of Cups and the Page of Wands. I laid them to either side of the Ace and spent some time considering the line of three. Image-wise it looked quite a bit to me like mediation. And then I remembered: the first item on my morning agenda was a meeting with two members from these different teams, to discuss an ongoing problem.

On the left sits the Page of Cups, almost literally pouring his emotions out into the foreground. The eye floating above the ocean is symbolic of the way in which the perspective of this page is filtered through his/her feelings and emotional responses to the environment. On the right sits the Page of Wands, surrounded in bright, urgent flame. While the Page of Cups appears to be considering the beauty of the flowers nearby, the Page of Wands reaches out almost as if to connect with the other two cards. Water and fire, emotion and spirit. In the middle sits the Ace of Swords, an upright blade surrounded by six faces or eyes connected to a central eye that lies over the sword. All of the varying opinions, beliefs, perspectives, and feelings must be funneled through the impartial eye of the sword whose principal interest is in understanding, truth, clarity, and precise communication.

I see both parties from today's meeting in these Pages - both passionate, both motivated, both caring. But both in need of common ground, of someone to listen to them and to draw out the salient points; to help draw attention to and tease apart what is factual from what is perception. The Ace of Swords is good at that.

The meeting went well, ultimately, and I was able to use Ace of Swords energy to help achieve a level of mutual understanding. It once again brings to my mind the idea of pursuing formal mediation training, and perhaps it is time to look into that!